Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Only Time I Blog Is When I'm Drunk... Just One of ELEVEN Things About Me.

Hello my lovely little dears, I am back again, and am officially one step closer to the age of 21.  Yes, that's what I said.  21.

I mean, 30.

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH I AM ALMOST 30, PEOPLE!!!

I have to admit, though, that my almost-30-year-old friends and I really know how to party it up when the time comes, as evidenced by our shenanigans last Friday night:


Clearly I should abandon my "career" as a total tool "mental health advocate" in favor of rocking out to 80's pop hits that don't require any real vocal talent, as we all know that is NOT one of my strong points.  Anyway, I have to say that 29 does not feel much different than 28, insofar as I continue to have weird memory lapses, extreme fatigue by about 7pm, not to mention a hangover that lasts two+ days.  As a result, I have been forced to conclude that I was old LONG ago, not just last Saturday.  SIGH.

Anyway, on to bigger and better things...

Luckily for all of you, extreme blog neglect SOMETIMES results in a little blog-lovin', which has occurred thanks to the lovely and talented Ruby from There is More Than One Kind of Me... As a result of her kind transmission of her "11 things" meme, I finally have some material to blog about.  Hot Damn!!!  Here it goes:

11 THINGS THAT ARE ONLY MILDLY BORING ABOUT MOI:


1. I fucking hate the following words: "ginormous", "uber-ANYTHING", and "moist".

2. I FUCKING HATE the following phrases: "I could care less" (Um, DUH.  You are an idiot.), "Cool beans." (Beans are NOT cool, in fact, they make my asshole feel like they are on fire.), and "It is what it is." (Thanks for that incredibly unhelpful and obvious statement.  You truly are a Ghandi in my life.)

3. I only pretend to like the Real Housewives of ___Blank_____, since other people really seem to like them.  Truthfully, they are kind of fascinating due to their untreated mental illness, but I find it hard to stay focused on their idiocy for long.

4. I have a crush on Sam Neill.

Oh come on.  You know you agree.
5. I desperately want to go on The Bachelor just to see what would happen to me.  Would I turn into the Bawler, the Bitch, or the Golden Girl?  Would I be one of those idiots who laments to the camera about how "hard" it is to see him with other girls, even though that's WHAT THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW IS ABOUT??!!  I have a feeling I would be that asshole in the "diary room" who talks shit about everyone, and then all the other ladies are all shocked and stuff and beat up on me in the "After the Rose" special at the end.  Sad.

6.  I have no desire to get married. Unless it's to a pro athlete or an actor who is out of town A LOT.

7.  My cat has dingleberries and I don't know how to rid him of them.  GROSS!

8.  I have a burning and undying hatred for alfredo sauce.  I know it's only cheese, but it really looks, smells, and tastes unpleasant.  Excuse me while I go puke.

9.   Is it just me, or is Ricky Martin like the best guy ever??!

Yum.

10.  Once I find out that a celebrity is a Republican, I instantly dislike them.  This makes me judgmental... (in case you didn't know that already.)

Sorry Kelly, I know you're heartbroken, but that whole "Ron Paul" thing really turned me off.  Just remember, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" Kthanksbai.

11. Sometimes, when other people are sarcastic, I take it personally... Which is pretty ironic, considering I myself am quite sarcastic.  It's that whole "sarcasm masks insecurity" thing, I think.

WOWZA, those were some "interesting" facts!

Here's a few more, courtesy of Ruby:

Ruby's questions...
1. If you could have any job in the world, regardless of income, qualifications etc, what would it be?   I would most definitely be the person who picks music for movies and TV.  Only then every movie I did would be populated with 80's and 90's one hit wonders.  


2. What is your most "uncool" hobby?  I like to hang out with my mom... Um, my mom is hilarious, y'all.  Suck it.


3. If you could only change one thing about your life in 2012 what would it be?  Most definitely my job.


4. What is the worst movie you have ever seen?  Pretty sure every copy of Elizabethtown can be gathered up and burned and I would sit in the background and laugh!

  
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?  Hawaii probably... Those people never work, you know.  They just sit around in bikinis and drink cocktails with little umbrellas in them.


6. What is your favourite possession?  My Little Martin guitar.  I can't play for shit, but it looks cute sitting in my apartment.


7. Which movie/tv star did you have a crush on growing up?  Jonathan Taylor Thomas, OF COURSE!!  I saw "Man of the House" like a dozen times in the theater... Ahem.


8. What is your favourite joke or random quote?  It's a Sarah Palin joke that is insanely mean, so I'm not going to answer.  It may or may not have something to do with one of her children.  AHEM.


9. Are you a Grease or Grease 2 person?  There's a Grease 2?


10. Favourite Simpson's character?  I always had a soft spot for Millhouse... He is one sad little boy!


11. Do you need a 'friend' with you in order to eat KFC?  Oh hell no!  YUM, bring on the coleslaw!!


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Sweet Smell of Success

Okay, okay.

I am going to skip that whole "OMG I AM SO SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T POSTED, I'M AN ASS", etc. etc, as I'm sure you are all well aware of my sentiments in this regard (i.e., I really AM sorry, I AM an ass, but I swear to you that I would post more if I actually did something in my day-to-day life.  I SWEAR IT!!).

So, with that not being said, I'll move on to the thing that has been causing me extreme annoyance for the past month or so.

In my last post that was a mere three months hours ago, I informed you all that I made the extremely saddening, yet adult move to the Big City for the most Awesome Job I've Ever Had*.

*For future reference, from now on, things in Capital Letters refer to things that I really don't mean, but I'm trying to NOT look like a Debbie Downer.  Here's an example:  Vote for Mitt Romney This November, He Is a Great Man!  And Very Smart!  And Not At All Weird or Creepy!!!!


**In case you are REALLY daft, I just want to re-iterate that Mitt Romney is an ass-hat with a hairpiece, only slightly less irritating than the sniveling and hateful Newt Gingrich.  But, at least Newt can strap on a pair of balls and fling some shit at Mitt (I Am The Next Shakespeare, Clearly).


***Political commentary OVER.

For those you unfamiliar with the Minnesota metro-area, I am currently living in the ritzy little suburb of Eden Prairie, home of the Minnesota Vikings (oooooooooooooooooooooh!) and pretty much every chain restaurant you could possibly dream of (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!).  This town is filled with "young families" (um, could you PULEEEEEEZ leave your kids at home when you go to the liquor store?  Sheesh!), old people who don't know how to drive, and multi-millionaires who also don't know how to drive.  But darn, their BMWs look lovely in the dry winter air.

Now before I moved into this miniscule lovely apartment, I didn't think there was a bad place to live in Eden Prairie.  I mean, surely the only people who rented apartments here are Minnesota Vikings players who are too cheap to buy since they all hope and pray to be traded elsewhere, RIGHT?  ONLY THE BEST FOR VIKINGS PLAYERS!!!!

This was the faulty thinking that led me to the sprawling apartment complex we will heretofore refer to as "The Curry Corral".  The Curry Corral was so ideally located, right down the street from the My Dream Job, and they even accepted obese and unfriendly cats who shed their entire body weight in fur everyday!  Sure, the place was the size of a shoebox.  Okay, so maybe no one wants to drive out to Eden Prairie to hang out, since it's a half hour from anything exciting... But whatevs, it was closer to My Home Away From Home (aka, WORK), so I didn't really think about those things.

Well, folks, I hate to puncture this happy little fantasy with reality, but the Curry Corral REALLY SUCKS!  Problem #1: My neighbors.  My neighbors cook some of the stinkiest shit I have ever smelled in my life.

Every morning upon leaving my apartment, I vomit a little bit in my mouth upon smelling the stench of curry, rotten potatoes, and what can only be the Sweet Smell of the shit from my cat's litter box.

Okay, this is really disgusting.  But this is what I imagine my neighbors shoving into their mouths at 8:00 in the morning.

No seriously, I actually gag upon leaving the apartment.  I can't imagine what one could be ingesting at that God-forsaken hour in the morning that smells that way.

The worst part is that the smell actually wafts into my apartment throughout the day, carried through the vents and seeping into my clothes, my furniture, and my poor, vulnerable Little kitty.  I have air fresheners in every free space.  I open the windows, even when it's 12 degrees outside.  Bowls of vinegar, liquid potpourri, you name it, I've tried it.

The smell may be just stuck in my nostrils, but regardless, it highlights one of the many Joys of apartment living: stinky neighbors.

Stay tuned for Part II of the stinky neighbors discussion in my NEXT POST, which hopefully should occur before three months from now.  I will warn you all, however, that a brief period of depression may be approaching within the next couple of weeks, given that I will be ushering in my 29th year of living in two weeks!!  29 YEARS, PEOPLE!!  Pretty soon I will be booted from 20SB forever, due to age restrictions.

I'm going to go hang my head and cry now.  *sobs*.  Thanks to all of you who are still reading this blog, considering my dropping off the face of the Earth and never commenting on others' blogs.  My most sincere of apologies, I promise to be a little more on top of it now that I have this fancy contraption:

Thanks, Mom!  Best Christmas gift EVAH!!
Now I don't even have to bother myself with opening my laptop to read everyone's blogs.  WOOT!

~Bi~

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Spamelotta Fagina

Hey all!

What's the skinny?  You will all be not surprised to know that I spent the weekend doing absolutely NOTHING.  Yes, that's what I said.  NOTHING.

One of the few pleasures I get from having a job is that I can spend my time knitting, talking to my cat, watching porn, or just plain staring off into space if I want to, and it's all free from guilt!!!  You see, when you're collecting unemployment, you spend every waking moment worrying about whether or not you'll get one of those damn letters in the mail telling you to go in and talk to someone about beefing up your resume, or yelling at you because it's taking you so damn long to find a job.

Sometimes, the letters say that your unemployment is running out, but thank God, you have at least three extensions left before you're cut off completely!  Here's an example:

Paraphrased.
The other guilt-ridden state of living is the ol' "going to school" bit.  Oh, how I hated that.

I was never really a devoted student.  Don't get me wrong, I got good grades, but I was never one of those that devoted a ton of time to doing homework, and I NEVER did anything ahead of time.  I was known as something of a slacker in graduate school, as I was usually hanging out at the bar when my classmates were freaking out over some assignment or other that was due in like TWO WEEKS.

The thing with procrastination, though, is that you always have that residual feeling of anxiety that you really should be doing something.  You have X, Y, and Z assignments that you could feasibly get started on, but why do that when there's vodka in the fridge reruns of Friends from ten years ago paint drying on the walls something really important and more fun to do?  Then you spend your fun time having slightly less fun because you're thinking about all the crap your less fun classmates are doing.  Ugh, I hate that.

So anyway, I spent the weekend doing absolutely nothing, minus the guilt and, incidentally, minus any kind of social activity.  I was, however, gifted with a little spam on one of my old entries from my FAVORITE commenter, a lovely individual named "steve" who posted anonymously in the following manner:

Nicely done, steve!
Just a note to all my future Anonymous commenters:  Insulting the blogger you are trying to entice is probably NOT the best way to get him/her to click on your little linky-poos.  You know what they say, it's QUALITY that's important, not quantity.  Ahem.

And that little piece of advice, my friends, is free of charge.  In the eloquent words of steve, "Hope this helps :)"

Hope you all are having a great week!!

~Bi~

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Do's and Dont's of Interacting with Your Local (Sort of) Customer Service Representative

Hello all!  Hope you all are having a wonderful week filled with libations, making money, and all that other good stuff.  In true Bianca fashion, I feel you all should know that I just spilled my wine all over my keyboard, which I will surely use as my next excuse as to why I don't blog anymore... But personally, I feel that wine on the keyboard is the very best reason EVER for not blogging, and I don't think any of you would expect anything less.

Anyway, I felt like it was necessary to explain a little bit about this new annoying job that I now have, followed by a snide commentary on people's incredible lack of phone etiquette (and, incidentally, people's plain stupidity).  So here's the skinny:

I now work for an insurance company.  Yes, everyone, I bit the big one and am now working for a huge corporate monster.  I swear, I tried to find something respectable.  This was the best I could do!

Anyway, I am essentially an over-educated customer service representative for this insurance company, all because some asshole decided it was necessary to have the people answering the phones have master's degrees.  But you know, it really does take a lot of brains to listen to people complain, verify their date of birth, and copy and paste information into a computer program.  Oh wait, you also have to continuously repeat the same things over and over again, so it's a good thing that I learned how to repeat useless drivel in two years of graduate school that I paid thousands of dollars for.  Yep, money well spent!

Note: You all might be thinking that the above comment is sarcasm.  That's how I initially intended it, but upon reading it over again, it's actually pretty close to the truth.  Ahem.


OMFG what a weird looking cat!


I have learned several useful things with this job though, the primary of which is an intimate knowledge of all the irritating things people do to make talking on the phone even more unbearable than it usually is.  The following is a guide to "The Do's and Dont's of Phone Etiquette", courtesy of your friendly customer service rep.

1. DO breathe heavily into the phone throughout the duration of the conversation.

Working in mental health, I, for one, am constantly worrying about the person on the other end of the phone.  Are they going to hurt themselves?  Might they go insane and strangle their partners in a fit of rage if I don't help them fast enough?  What if they drop off the line and I never know what happens to them?

That's where breathing comes in.  By panting into the phone like a dog in heat, your phone mate will always know that you are still among the living.  It also gives you the opportunity to miss everything that that person says, so we all gets the pleasure hearing you say, "HUH??!" repeatedly,  and subsequently repeating the same thing over and over again.



Plus, let's face it, nothing screams SEXY like serial killer breathing into the phone.

2. DO eat a meal while talking with your local customer service representative.

Bonus points if your meal includes potato chips, soup that you can slurp, or carrot sticks.  Your customer service representative is very interested in knowing that you are keeping yourself alive and well through proper nourishment.  If you can burp into the phone, all the better, as everyone will be fully aware that not only are you eating, but you are also digesting!

Time to call my insurance company!
Maybe they can help me find my head.  Ahem.

This is also good practice to remind your friendly customer service representative that they haven't eaten in five hours, their break isn't for another 45 minutes, and thoughts of "holy-shit-I-am-working-for-an-insurance-company-and-will-die-and-go-to-Hell-for-all-the-crimes-against-humanity-that-are-committed-at-said-company-every-day. "  THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLE!!!

3. DO hold the phone as close to your mouth as possible.

Trying to discern what you're saying through the muffled garble of a receiver that is too close to one's mouth is half the fun!  A job should never be without a little mystery!  Launching an investigation into what one has said keeps your customer service representative on his/her toes, and ensures that you will surely get the help you need with minimal effort.

Bonus points if you act annoyed, as evidenced by name-calling or an escalation in your voice, when your customer service rep asks you to clarify what you said.  In this situation, it is best practice to insert the receiver of your telephone into your mouth and repeat what was said, because this will increase the chances of your phone mate understanding what you said.

4. DO call when you are in the middle of other business.

Bonus points if your call occurs while you are buying cigarettes, ordering fries in the drive-through, or soliciting a prostitute on the street corner.  Your customer service representative understands that you are a busy individual, and can't possibly take ten minutes out of your busy day to discuss matters such as mental health without other distractions.  It is quite probably that your inability to focus on one thing at a time has NOTHING to do with your need for mental health services, so don't worry about that.



5. DON'T allow the person you're speaking with to finish their sentences.

It is far more preferable to continue to interrupt them with inane questions that would be answered if you would just shut your mouth.

6. DO take as long as possible to form complete sentences.

Because no one has anything better to do than listen to you spell your address, one letter at a time, with a full ten seconds in between.  Inserting words such as, "Ummm", "Errrr", "Uhhhh", and "Yeeeaaahhhhhh" make your conversation doubly enjoyable to listen to, and will give your customer service representative ample time to roll his/her eyes and pray to God that you get to the point within the next five minutes.

*******

And thus ends my petty rant about my job.  I keep telling myself that they call it "work" for a reason, and that it isn't necessarily meant to be riveting at all hours of the day.  But, to be honest, it would make me feel a lot better if all my lovely readers could leave a comment about something they hate about THEIR job, just so I know I'm not alone in my annoyance... You know what I mean?!!?

Unless you're unemployed, in which case, leave a comment stating how awesome it is to be unemployed so I can live vicariously through you.  SIGH, oh the good ol' days!!!

Hope you all are having a lovely week, and I am trying EXTREMELY hard to get caught up on everyone's blogs... My apologies for being an ass with comments.  Ahem.

~Bi~

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Daily Grind Has Stolen My Soul (And My Personality)

Erm, so I might deserve a little kick in the ass.

I don't even want to look at when the last time I posted on this blog was, because I know that I'll get that look on my face that people get when they know they should have been doing something, but they chose to eat a tub of ice cream have a dance party in their living room sit and feel sorry for themselves do other stuff instead... You know what I'm talking about.

While all of you are far too fabulous to be burdened with my excuses, I'm afraid you have to hear them anyway.  Yes, that's right folks, I'm doing the ol' "Hey y'all, sorry I haven't blogged in a millionty years and let me tell you how busy and important I am so that you are aware of why I've been an ass for the last two months and disappeared, leaving you only with some stupid post about the evil squirrels that populated my window well for a couple of hours.  HAHA, SORRY!!!"  Yes, one of THOSE posts.

So, here are my excuses, listed in order of most to least annoying:

1. I am a working woman, y'all -- and I don't mean that positively.

Seriously folks, I don't know how all of you work, maintain your sanity a blog, a social life, and still manage to eat a few meals a day without going off the deep end!  By the time I get home from work for the day, I feel like doing nothing but staring off into space, drinking a lot of booze, and/or slapping myself in the face (not necessarily in that order).

All work and no play makes Bi an extremely maaaaaaaaaaad girl!

2. I moved into a teeeeeeeeeeeeny tiny apartment, which, as many of you know, can be a time consuming process.  I didn't realize how much crap one needs to survive until I tried to cram it all into my tiny hole of an apartment, which has seriously resulted in like a billionty trips to and from my hometown to the metro area.

One of those trips included my dear kitty, an experience which probably warrants a blog post in itself.  Let's just say it resulted in tufts of fuzzy hair flying around the vehicle, cranking the music up to drown out the howls of a traumatized feline, and a near homicide that evening as I had to get up several times to yell at comfort the damn thing in it's hour of need.

If only my actual kitty was this adorable.

3. I had no internet.

Well, that's not entirely true.  I have internet on my phone, but evidently my fingers are too fat to write legible messages in a timely manner, so that wasn't really an option for blog posting.  Some of you might have been following my boring random tweets about my activities, but those mostly included highly insightful observations about reality TV and 80's fashion trends.

It should be noted here that the happiest moment in my adult life came last night, when the cable guy finally hooked up my DVR AND my internet, and I was finally reconnected with the world.  Of course, if I'm being honest, the DVR was responsible for the bulk of my happiness, because what in the world am I going to blog about besides TV now that I do NOTHING other than work?!!?

4.  Before this move, I was seriously driving over three hours a day to get to/from work.  And, for the uninformed, patience is NOT one of my many virtues, so by the time I got home my sense of humor usually had fizzled away in a puddle of tears.

Oh, it wasn't all that bad.  Not all the time, anyway.

Anyway, I'm back now, and I'm going to try to create some funny stories out of my extremely bland life for you, so just keep an open mind.

Now, if you don't mind, Tyra Banks and that whole "dirty hair" look thing are beckoning me, and I simply must know who is still in the running for America's Next Top Model!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Squirrels Are Conniving Little Assholes, Just Like Walt Disney Always Said!

While this may reveal the fact that I am a huge dork, one of my FAVORITE movies ever is the 2000 Disney flick, "The Emperor's New Groove".  You know, that absolutely hilarious cartoon with the vocal stylings of David Spade and John Goodman?  I never quite understood why no one seemed to like this movie, as it remains one of the few movies that always makes me laugh, even though I can quote the entire movie.  

Note: One line that I constantly use while I'm at the bar watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette is when Kuzco is looking at all the women and says, "Let's take a look-see.  Hate your hair.  Not likely.  Yikes. Yikes, yikes.  And, let me guess, you have a grrrreeeeeaaaat personality."  This isn't me being a bitch fussy AT ALL, is it??!

One of the funniest moments in this flick has always been the adorably evil little squirrel who miraculously pulls a balloon out of his ass and pops it to wake up all the sleeping panthers...

CRAZY EYES!!
Of course, I always watched that part and laughed and laughed, thinking that Walt Disney was one crazy bastard for thinking those cutie little squirrels that run around my yard would be so mean and cruel!  So deliberately malicious and sneaky!!!  Surely the bushy-tailed critters that eat all the bark off our trees and crawl up our screen door would do nothing to hurt anyone!  

Well, I think Walt Disney might have been onto something there.  Allow me to explain.

Yesterday, Minnesota was graced with yet another morning storm, complete with torrential rains, whatever-miles-per-hour winds, and thunder and lightning enough to make the power go out again (which is like the fourth time in a month, by the by..).  

The rain stopped about mid-morning, at which time I went about my business and didn't return to my house until about 2:00 in the afternoon.  Upon my return, I heard a terrible racket coming from the side of the house!  I looked outside, expecting to see the neighbor's annoying grandchildren running around hitting plastic balls against the side of our house again, but to my surprise, Satan's spawn the little angels weren't there!  It then occurred to me that we probably had some visitors in our window well again, which is a more common occurrence around here than one might think.

So I walk downstairs, and sure enough, I am first greeted by this:

No, this isn't really my cat.  My cat has two ears.
But it captures his sentiments perfectly.
Crazy kitty = something in the window well.  So I go check it out, and here's what I found:

Awww, so cute, but so stupid!
Two cute little squirrels squawking and chattering at one another, running around like little Snookies on acid.  I sat at the window, cooing and smiling at them because I thought they were soooooooo cuuuuuuuuute, when suddenly....


One of those evil little shits screamed and lunged its entire squirrel body towards me and hit the window!  I've never seen anything like it before!  I named that asshole Michele, after our very own local political Devil spawn, Michele Bachmann:

I see some resemblance there, don't you?
After that, I was obviously over the whole "cute" aspect of the situation, and I just wanted those assholes out of my window well.  I wasn't really sure what to do about it, though, because my mom and I don't exactly have common household items, like boards or whatever, that one might find useful in this situation.  I searched and searched through the garage, but could find nothing suitable that would assist my little friends.  

Eventually, Michele found his/her way out by his/herself, leaving just one mentally retarded squirrel with limited mental capacity.  I named him Pat, after my favorite political analyst who is quite possible the dumbest person alive, Pat Buchanan:

I really didn't mean for this to turn into a political commentary, but it just sort of happened that way.
Sorry, Pat, you're an idiot.
Pat huddled in the corner of the window well for a while, while I went about my business.  I was sure that even the dumbest of squirrels could figure out how to get out of a window well by himself, given that they spend all day climbing around on trees and whatnot.  But alas, it was no use.  It was like Pat had just given up on life.

Finally, after several hours had passed, I decided that a little physical activity was necessary to get rid of this bastard, as I wasn't about to let him die down there and stink up the basement.  So, after confirming that Pat was still cowering in the corner, I traipsed across the street to a nearby park where they are storing the branches from the last huge storm we had that downed a bunch of trees in the area.


I lugged a huge branch across the park, dragging it behind me across the street until I was panting like a dog in heat.  After what seemed like an eternity, I arrived back at the house and crawled towards the window well.  

I imagined Pat crawling out of there with joy, so grateful to the young woman who endured intense physical labor in an heroic rescue for a squirrel she didn't even know!  Perhaps he would show me where he stashed his food as a peace offering, or would curl up in my hand and be the best pet ever!  Pat and I were going to be best friends, I could feel it!!!

I peer over the side, ready to toss my life line to little Pat.  And what do I find?

An empty (and very dirty) window well.
Pat was gone!!!!!!  

I couldn't believe it.  I swear that little asshole did that on purpose!  He just waited down there for hours until he knew I was leaving to get help for him, and during those ten minutes that I was gone he miraculously found his way out of there.  I DON'T THINK SO, PAT!!!  You sneaky little bastard!!!

So, Walt Disney was right all along.  Squirrels are total pricks.


~Bi~


Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Long Journey Towards Employment

I'm beginning to think that the world is filled with idiots.

I used to think that there was just an unusually high concentration of idiots in the town where I live.  You see, it's a small metropolis in Minnesota; a growing city that does NOT pride itself on maturing with the times or being hip or contemporary.  It's a college town, so inevitably you have a bunch of flighty and annoying college students running around, boosting the economy with drug binges and trips to the bar.

I have now finally accepted that the majority of people one must interact with during the course of their lifetime, with the exception of my close friends, family, and bloggy friends of course, are idiots.  This cynical viewpoint is courtesy of the mind-blowingly dull and frustrating process known as the "job search", a process which has revealed the world's incredible lack of social skills and professionalism.  I don't know if I have ever encountered such profound stupidity in any other facet of my life, except maybe a shopping trip at Wal-Mart.

But at least you go into Wal-Mart expecting to want to pull your hair out in clumps, find the nearest corner, and curl up into a fetal position until the flood of Stupid passes.  You would think, however, that when dealing with companies who are looking to hire quality employees for an open position, you would at least find yourself among the company of professionals.

Nope, guess not.

As most of you know from several posts ago, I was recently offered a job at a rather large corporation in the Minneapolis-area.  Allow me to recount for you the journey of my FINALLY being offered a position at this company, which I'm hoping will convince you all that I am not just being a neurotic asshole.  No, people are just plain STUPID.  Allow me to use this popular childhood boardgame as an example:

What, you never played Stupid Land as a child?

Step 1) A routine online job search yields an interesting position, for which I am actually qualified!!!  But, sadly, it's through a temp agency.  Eeew.  But, as I have been unemployed for over a year, I can hardly be picky.  So I send in my resume.



Step 2) I learn that the position is over an hour and a half away from where I live, but I decide that it might be worth checking out anyway.  To make things as inconvenient as possible, the temp agency tells me that I have to interview with them before they will even submit my name to the company for consideration for the position, and that it needs to be done as soon as possible. Greeeeat.



Step 3) I cancel said interview, and apply directly with the company instead.  Who the hell wants to work through a temp agency when you can just get hired on directly?  I'll be damned if I'm taking a pay cut AND have to suffer through the demoralizing nature of temp-to-hire positions where you have to kiss ass for three months so they decide to hire you on permanently.  No, thank you.

The equivalent of temp-to-hire.
Step 4) I receive an e-mail telling me to schedule a "phone meeting" with the talent consultant or whatever the hell, which I proceed to do.  The "talent consultant" calls me ONLY four hours late, and the conversation is summarized as follows:

Him: "Sorry I am too rude to keep the appointment that I made you set but it's okay because you have no life anyway."
Me: "Yeah, no problem." (what I'm thinking: "Asshole.")
Him: "It's so tough when we have short work weeks!  Jeepers, I have so much work to do that it's hard to keep up!"
Me: "Yep."  (what I'm thinking: "I don't give a shit.")
Him: "I have nothing to say to you of importance, I'm sorry if you were under the impression that this was a phone interview.  Do you want to come interview with two completely different people in two weeks?  I promise, it will be a real interview this time."
Me: "Um, sure."  (what I'm thinking: "What is wrong with these people??!")
Him: "Okay, someone else will call you to set up the interview.  Things just aren't complicated enough, so we need to add a few dozen more people to the mix so that our communication will be all fucked up through this whole process.  Thanks!"

Step 5) I drive to the company and interview with two lovely individuals, thinking I am sooooooooo clever for going behind the temp agency's back and interviewing with them instead.

Miles logged on my vehicle at this point: 140

It should be noted that this interview inspired this post, featuring a good ol'-fashioned rant about how pointless job interviews are.  Ahem.
Step 6) I receive notification that they want to interview me again!  Hot damn!  I drive down a second time to do the exact same interview with two different people.



Total miles logged at this point: 280.

Step 7) Two weeks later, I receive a call that they don't have any permanent positions available, but they do have the dreaded "temp-to-hire" position available.  Oh yay, that means I get to work through a temp agency after all!

I always hated that damn card when I was a kid.
Which temp agency, you ask?  Of course the one I talked to earlier, who I rudely canceled on the day before the interview because I was trying to be so sneaky.  Oops.

Step 8) Drive to Minneapolis again to interview with the temp agency, even though I technically already have the job.




Total miles logged on my car at this point: 420

Step 9) I receive the official job offer, complete with a significant pay cut for the first three months and no benefits.  Plus, I get the added bonus of a guaranteed three month period of anxiety as I attempt to prove myself and get hired on permanently.  Great!

I subsequently receive a barrage of e-mails outlining all the shit I have to do before August 8th, my first day.  This includes a drug test that easily could be accomplished right down the street from me, but guess where I have to drive to do it?  Yep, you guessed it.  Minneapolis again.  Geez, wouldn't it have been nice had they told me that WHEN I WAS THERE TO INTERVIEW FOR THE THIIIIIIIIIIIIRD TIIIIIIIIIME!!!  (no bitterness from this girl.  nope, none at all.)

Step 10) Drive two hours, piss in a cup, and drive back.

The end is in sight!!
Total miles logged: 560.

Step 11) Two weeks later, I hear from my favorite "talent consultant" again.  He basically tells me that they are stupid for sending me to the temp agency, that no one knows what they are doing, and that they want to hire me on directly instead.  First day is August 15th.  Sorry for the inconvenience!

Pros: Yay, a normal salary and benefits right away! Not to mention I don't have to whore myself for the first three months!!!  AND I get an extra week to sit on my ass!

Cons: Do you mean to tell me that those last two trips to Minneapolis, not to mention the drug test that nearly killed my bladder as I drove along the highway for two hours, AND the annoyance of that meaningless third interview, WERE ALL FOR NOTHING??!??!

Step 12) Another barrage of e-mails, including yet another drug test I have to complete by the end of the week.  Fortunately, they had the decency to keep this one in town.  I guess the company is aware that there are facilities in other parts of the state that do look at urine samples.  Phew!!

"Success".
And that, my loves, is where I am at right now.  I just finished my second drug test and I told them my whole life story so they can make sure I'm not lying, so hopefully this horrible saga can FINALLY END.

To conclude: No one knows what the hell they're doing.  The world is full of idiots.  And that is all.

Please, tell me something good that has happened to you.  I need something to distract me from my annoyance.  thanksbye.

~Bi~