Wednesday, September 22, 2010

All Seven and We'll Watch Them Fall - Part 2

Hey all!  Today I am going to complete my seven horrible dates series, and will gladly pass along this challenge to a few lucky bloggers who hopefully have something a little more uplifting to say about themselves.  For those of you who happened to miss Part 1, go check it out!!

I think all of you would be really amused if you knew how long I had to think about which two horrible dates won out for the last two spots, given the large number of them I can choose from!  I know y'all are jealous of my dating life, those of you who are married are CLEARLY missing out!!

So, without further ado, the completion of the list:

6. The Angry Republican

Editor's Note:  Just a friendly disclaimer before we begin.  If YOU are a Republican, please don't take offense to the following "horrible date."  I have no issue with Republicans in general, and I do not write this with the intention of offending anyone.  But for me, this goes down in history as one of the most stupid interactions I have ever had with a human being, and I think anyone would agree no matter which side of the political spectrum one is on.

So before we begin this amusing tale of woe, there is something you need to know about me.  Politically speaking, I am most definitely of the Leftist variety.  And when I say "most definitely", I mean extremely liberal.  I went to the most liberal college in Minnesota, and likely one of the most liberal in the country, and I'm not ashamed!  I voted for Obama, I will again, and I volunteer for the Democratic candidate for Congress in our district.  I have a LOT of opinions, and I get really really angry at things that are said/done in Washington every day.  It's more than just a set of opinions for me, it's pretty much a lifestyle.

Sometimes I lose the blue dress in favor of political garb.  Get out and vote people!  **Donkey snort**
And yes, I realize that the donkey's ears are two different colors...I accidentally ruined them and couldn't find the right blue to fix them.  So sue me!

Due to my opinionated nature about these issues, I find that it's really difficult to date or be in a relationship with someone who doesn't see eye-to-eye with me.  The guy has to at least consider himself to be a "moderate" for me to seriously consider dating them.  Again, I don't say this to be offensive to anyone, but any more right than "moderate" and we end up with situations like I will soon describe!  Suffice to say, it's sort of a verbal bloodbath that ends up in anger and some serious eye-rolling, at the very least.  You know that saying, "Opposites attract"?  Rubbish.

Another Editor's Note:  Hence the extreme difficulty I have in dating, since my district is the one that birthed the clinically insane lovely Michele Bachmann.  Please click on that link if you don't know who she is, you're sure to get some good laughs out of it.

So let's begin the actual story.  One fateful night, I was having a grand old time at the bar, dancing around to one of my very favorite local bands (coincidentally, the AD/HD Song and Dance Man was their bass player at one time... Ahem.).  Then, off to the side, I see a bright beacon of light!  A CUTE BOY!!

Yes, it's hard to believe that this was the cream of the crop.

Editor's Note:  In this town, a cute boy is about as rare as a moment of silence from Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Second Editor's Note:  I know, I'm hating on Elizabeth Hasselbeck an awful lot lately, but I seriously dislike her.  And her screeching voice is coming from the television as we speak, so it's hard to forget how much I dislike her right now.

Now this was around Christmastime, right after Obama won the election and I was seriously high on Obama-love.  So OF COURSE my first question was, "Who did you vote for??"  (Doesn't everyone ask that when they meet someone??!)  And with a proud grin he said, "McCain!!"

Hmm.  That's not good.  But I thought I'd let it slide.

We go to coffee, and I think for sure I've hit the jackpot.. Save for that whole "Republican" thing, which at the time I didn't think was such a big deal.  He was cute.  He was working towards his Master's degree.. In Sports Management  (FYI - I hate sports.  Unless it involves bad-ass girls in roller skates.)  Ahem.

He had good taste in music... Well, except for loving Dave Matthews Band, a band that I have serious attitude towards.  Hmmm.

He was extremely religious, which doesn't fit well with my personality in the slightest since I'm all "Fuck" and "Shit" and "Goddamnit!" and stuff...

So basically he wasn't my type AT ALL.  What a letdown!

But, I figured since I was going through a serious drought, it wasn't THAT big of a deal.  I mean, he was joining the Army in a few months so it wasn't like anything was going to happen.  (Did I forget to mention that?  Yes, he was also a military man.  Totally my type, yeah??)

One night, we were watching favorite local band again at the bar, and I was really really wanting to have a good time.  But, unfortunately, that wasn't on the agenda for the evening.  The Angry Republican decides that being drunk at the bar with my friends is a good situation in which to pick a political fight with me.  I say, "You know, Angry Republican, I really don't think this is a good time to have this conversation.  I don't want to talk about it!"

He continues to press on and on and on, calling me "naive" and "idealistic" and a variety of other patronizing terms.  I tell him, "I really think you need to stop talking right now, because I'm getting seriously pissed."

The night goes on like this until finally I feel like exploding, so I left the Angry Republican at the bar.

Poor, dejected Angry Republican.  Alone in his anger.

I thought that would be the end of it, but of course, there was a message in my Facebook inbox several days later:

Messages like these are most definitely a turn-on.

Yes, he wrote me an entire message about Obama's Supreme Court justice nomination, because he just couldn't let it go.  And that isn't even all of the message, it would have taken THREE screen captures just to get the whole thing.

I may be the only person in the world who can actually have a "date" or "pseudo-relationship", or whatever it was, go down in flames because of a political fight... Over Facebook, no less.

7.  D.J. Bitzan's Proposal

This one isn't really a "date", per se, but more of a really funny surprise that will go down in history as one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me involving a member of the opposite sex.  It will be hard for future dates to top this!

For a period of time, I was "dating" (i.e., playing pool like once every two weeks) a young man who worked as a D.J.  He was very strange in his own right, but had a quirky sense of humor that was intriguing to me.  Besides, he was certainly low maintenance since I hardly ever saw him.

We had been hanging out for probably a month or two (Meaning the grand total of our "dates" together = 3 or 4), when to my surprise he called me in the middle of the day and asked if he could come over.  I told him that was fine, and seriously within minutes he was at my door!  (Creepy, right?  I knew something was weird!)

Immediately upon entering my humble abode, the DJ asked me if I had any alcohol.  Thinking he was crazy, I said, "Um, it's the middle of the day..." But he continued to look all shifty eyed, so I thought maybe a drink wouldn't be such a bad idea if it would calm his nerves.  Then he says, "I have something for you..."  **Shifty eyes**

Ooooh, a present!  I can't wait to see what it is!!!

So I prepare myself for indecent exposure, a taser, or perhaps a rufied drink, when the DJ pulls out the biggest surprise of my dating life:

Um, I repeat.  WTF??!

I will repeat.  I only saw this man maybe 3 or 4 times before this diamond ring was presented to me.  He actually pulled this lovely artifact out of a plastic Ziploc bag!  No box, a bag.  From his pocket.  Stolen, much??!

While I'm sure he was expecting me to swoon, I reacted in this way:

Hot potato!

"HOLY SHIT, ARE WE GETTING MARRIED NOW?!  WHAT IS THIS??!!!?"  I asked in a panic, while I poured myself a drink.

"Um, no..." he says, "I just wanted you to have something nice.  Um... Sorry?"

I continued to panic, and told him that I thought he was extremely weird and that he needed some serious instruction on appropriate "boundaries"... But thanks for the gesture?

He ran out of my house like a bat out of hell, and he took his ring with him.

"Um, I'll just go take this to get it sized for you..." He said sheepishly, as I guzzled my vodka straight from the bottle.

I never saw him, or that horrible ring, again.

Editor's Note:  For those of you not from this area, this young man's nickname is "DJ Bitzan" because he was a DJ (duh), and, coincidentally enough, there is a jewelry store chain in Minnesota called DJ Bitzan Jewelers.  Coincidence??  Yes, but I think it's a rather clever name, if I do say so myself.


So, there you have it!  The "seven things" is complete!  I shan't blog about my dating life for a while now, seeing as I am on a dating strike... (I wonder why?)  But I greatly enjoyed everyone's comments, especially because now I don't feel like quite so big of an idiot for having some really off dating stories.

Now, for the best part.  Passing it on!!  Seeing as I'm pretty new to this whole "blogging" thing, I am not going to pass it to seven people.  The following are some lovely individuals that I am just getting to know (or some that I've known for a while), and would like to know more about.  Hence, the challenge.  Can't wait to see what they come up with!*

Mark from A New Routine
Jing from The Jinger
Orion from Swift Serenity
She Who Shall Remain Anonymous from The Loves of My Life
Patrick from Sweet Cardigan

**Just a clarification for those who accept the challenge, you need not do your "seven things" on the most horrible dates you've had... You can make them about anything you want!  Yay!**

Peace out, ladies and gents!  Thanks for stopping!


Sara said...

Oh my god, I feel so bad for you!! I haven't had too many horrible dates, but I kind of wish I had just for the funny post now! : )

Jing said...

Ooooh! Challenges! I'll have to think of something :)

we hate you. love, us said...

He pulled out a ring out of a ziploc bag?! My goodness...

Jing said...

By the way, I've given you a blog award :)

Paige said...

yikes...thats why i dont really date date


That one republican dude I would have choked him to death with my panties till he stopped kicking! What the hell!!! I only date dudes who know how to 'agree to disagree'..not shove his ways of thinking down my throat!

Billy Apathy said...

Sometimes I wonder if Republicans think if just they yell at you enough you'll just give up and agree with them.

Bi said...

@Sara: Yes, the horrible dates are certainly fodder for entertainment afterwards... That's half the fun of dating, right??!

@Jing: Yay! Thanks for the award!!!

@WHYLU: Yes, a Ziploc bag. I bet the whole encounter would have been hilarious to someone viewing it from the outside!

@Paige: I'm with you on that! I am now on a dating strike that will likely last forever. Love your blog, BTW. :)

@FALEN: Hahaha, I know what you mean!! I was totally content to just look at his pretty face and ignore the drivel that was coming out of his mouth (and FB account, incidentally), but I guess that wasn't in the cards.

@Billy: I've often wondered the same thing... My general rule of thumb is to avoid these types of discussions with anyone, since there will be absolutely no "agreeing" on my part! Thanks for stopping by!

Paddy 233 said...

Hilarious as always, Bi. And challenge accepted. At first I thought I had to come up with seven different date stories, to which I would not be able to accomplish seeing how my idea of a date is inviting a young lady over to my apartment for drinks and intercourse. Typically, most only stay for the former, and then steal a few of my DVDs. 21st Century Gentleman right here! I will start working on my "7 Things" post today.