Friday, September 10, 2010

A Gift That Keeps on Giving: A Bad Case of Herpes Simplex Type EX

Editor's Note:  WHOA, what a title!!  Just to clarify something right away, I DON'T have herpes, it's just a really stupid  extremely clever metaphor that you will learn about shortly.  Ahem.

If there's one thing that Facebook has done for us, it's made it almost impossible to hide.  Got a friend you want nothing to do with, but don't want him/her to know?  Well you better not take the leap and unfriend him/her on Facebook, since you know such annoying individuals will have an app that tells them when and why you unfriended them, whose wall you wrote on that day, who you friended, and what you had for dinner.  Then what follows is the inevitable "What's wrong???  Are you okay??  ARE YOU MAD AT ME???" messages, e-mails, and, if you're real lucky, text messages invading your phone.

I find this predicament to be particularly vexing when it comes to the complete morons poor souls I've left "dead and bloodied along the way" (a prize to anyone who can name that movie!) to my fabulous life as a spinster: The ex-boyfriends.

I liken my experience with ex-boyfriends to a bad case of herpes: they're always there, lurking in the background, only sometimes rearing their ugly heads into a hideous, pussy outbreak.  Just when you think you're rid of them forever, they pop back up again!  They never go away!

It doesn't seem like other women have this problem (maybe I'm wrong...), but I seem to have a real knack for picking the needy ones.  Or maybe just the ones who have no clue whatsoever.  Or maybe there's just an abundance of ass-hats in this town, I don't know.

Case in point:  Yesterday, I signed on to Facebook to do my obligatory Facebook stalking, and noticed the presence of my cockroach of an ex-boyfriend on my News Feed.  We'll call him "Cokehead", since that is the nickname he lovingly earned from me after he blamed his drug-induced symptoms on the "spicy" sweet-and-sour chicken he had for dinner.

Cokehead and I dated for about six months, during which time I was given the immense pleasure of driving his ass around because of his suspended license (due to a DWI.. What a catch!) and probably making drug runs.  I was an ingenuous young girl who liked the fact that he played piano and had a job, which was an entirely new concept for me at that age (although evidently these traits are difficult to find in ANYONE, as I have since learned).  Things fizzled quickly after I put two and two together, and finally realized that constant stuffy noses, incoherent speech, and erratic behavior were NOT due to Thai food.  This rendezvous didn't even end in a clear fashion since he was too drugged out to call and I stopped caring.  How romantic.

A while back, I ran into Cokehead at the bar when he was with some friends.  He stared creepily at my friends and me, and made a feeble attempt to talk.  Luckily, the bar was about to close, and I was so drunk I couldn't stand up walked away and resisted the temptation to punch him in the face.  Following this fortuitous encounter, I received this annoying message in my Facebook inbox (and I'm not even embellishing, this is the actual message!):

That wasn't my actual response.  I made that up.  But the message is still the same!

Because I was feeling frisky that day, I decided to send him a smart-ass response along the vein of "Too bad you're such an idiot!  Ha!!", to which I did not receive a response.  In hindsight, it might have been a better idea to just not respond at all.

Now fast forward to yesterday.  I sit down at the computer with my coffee, ready to stalk away, when I see on my News Feed that Cokehead's relationship status went from "In a Relationship" to "Single."  Oh, too bad.  I wonder what came between them?  I chuckle at his immense stupidity, and move on to find someone more worthy of my attentions.

Oh, wait!  I have a message!  I get excited as I wonder who could be messaging me, and what exciting things they have to tell me!!!

Okay, so this isn't exactly what the message said.  But close enough.

Now that is truly impressive.  Mere moments after changing his relationship status, he is already searching for a rebound!  Nice!!  And who does he contact?  Of COURSE his ex-girlfriend who's promiscuous totally awesome and caring and funny and smart and... Ahem.

Seriously guys (if there any who read this), use your head.  Changing your Facebook status and then immediately messaging your ex-girlfriend is automatic qualification for being a Douchebag.  At least have the decency to wait a few days, and hope that said ex-girlfriend didn't happen to notice your conspicuous status change.  If she is a complete idiot, she might entertain your request.

I, however, am ridding myself of this particular outbreak with a healthy dose of Valtrex (i.e., liquor) and calling it a day.  Maybe I should respond with a link to this blog, so he'll really get the point.

Eh, I'll just stick with the Valtrex.

Editor's Note: A good question might be, "Bi, why don't you just unfriend him?"  That's an excellent point!  I guess because Facebook stalking of the exes might actually be something I engage in from time to time.  Besides, if I hadn't known his status changed, I might just be naive enough to think he actually gave a crap!  Right???


On an unrelated note, I have received the distinct honor and challenge of doing a "Seven Things" meme, courtesy of my dear new friend Sara from the hysterical Sara Swears A Lot!  I am having difficulty deciding on a "Seven Things" theme, so if anyone has any ideas, I am much obliged to hear them!  Sara totally rocked her vlog version of this challenge, so the bar is set high.  Help me get my shit together!


Sara said...

All I can say to this is ....


That's how unwitty I am compared to your witty today.

grumpy said...

Facebook stalking....a favourite past-time of mine. I like looking up the exes and reiterating what lucky escapes I made.

Jing said...

Agreed, Facebook stalking your exes is a necessity, thats why I haven't unfriended any of mine. Here's what I would do in your case: just change your Facebook picture to one where you look hot, that way your ex wishes even more that he still had you in his life... and ignore all of his messages, some boys just don't get the point otherwise.

Bi said...

@Sara: Your wit far surpasses mine, even on my best days! ;)

@grumpy: I do too! "Lucky escapes" is a wonderful way of putting it, as my luck with men over the years has been.. well, dismal, I guess you'd say.

@Jing: That's a good idea! I will certainly take you up on your advice. And even though I'm desperately wanting to send another smart-ass message in return, I am resisting temptation... ;)

orion said...

Oh, and the quote is from Zoolander! What is my prize??

orion said... comment was deleted somehow? I say the blog ate it. Have you not been feeding it lately? first comment goes something like this:

[Hilarious, insightful views.]

[Congrats on the meme, do Seven Ways You Stalk People?]

You know, it was an awesome comment. And I figured out where it went wrong, see you utilize that awful CAPTRA contraption, and I didn't enter it and closed the window. /sigh

Kayla said...

@Orion: Hahaha, I'm sure it couldn't have possibly measured up to the comment you just left!! I haven't decided on a prize yet, but I seriously think that the pleasure you surely got from reading my blog should be prize enough... Don't you?!