Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How to Successfully Land a Date at the Bar: A Guide for the Socially Impaired

Editor's Note:  I would like to thank Patrick and his hilarious blog post, Turning a One Night Stand Into a Relationship, which, in combination with an extremely annoying trip to the bar, served as the inspiration for this post.  Patrick's entry is most definitely the next stop for one who has successfully completed the steps below.

Hey fellas!  The following message is for YOU!

Tired of going to the bar, trolling for women only to falter under the pressure of starting a conversation?   Do you find yourself stuttering and spitting out words that make no sense, resulting in the awkward moment before you both walk the other way?  Are you used to a woman rolling her eyes at you or punching you in the face?

Well NO MORE!  With this how-to guide, you will land a date with the first woman you approach, GUARANTEED!!  

Just follow these common sense steps and you will know how to flirt with the best of 'em.  Look out, Bieber!  Here comes YOU!

Let's get started:

BEFORE THE CATCH (AKA, "Stalking Your Prey")

1. Stare at your lady without blinking from across the bar for a minimum of ten minutes prior to approaching.  You know that feeling when you're driving and you know someone's looking at you in another car?  Similarly, your victim chosen lady will be able to sense your attraction to her, like prey to its hunter.  Take advantage of the opportunity to undress your lady with your eyes while she's out with her friends, so she can feel good about herself that she has an admirer and her friends don't.  For maximum impact, make sure you are within eyesight of your lady, so she is sure to see you and feel the burn of your uninterrupted gaze.  Don't let her catch you blinking or looking away, as this will ruin the intensity of your brewing passion.  Should she look your way or make eye contact, throw in an unctuous wink or a head nod to let her know you've got your eye on her.

Letting her know you are admiring her is the first step towards facilitating a healthy relationship.

2. Leave your friends at home.  Attractive ladies are uneasy in a crowd, and your friends might ease the tension with conversation or a dirty joke.  When you're alone, you provide an opportunity for her to devote her full attention to you, without your friends to distract her.  You communicate to your lady that you will be devoted to her and only her, should you begin a relationship.  A lady wants a man who is independent, not one with social skills.

3. Consume a minimum of ten drinks before approaching your lady.  If the world isn't spinning, you aren't ready yet.  No one likes the sober asshole who ruins the party.  A good amount of liquor not only loosens your muscles, but it loosens your tongue, too!  Blandishments should be able to fall gracefully from your slurring lips before you approach your future date.  An intoxicated man shows women that you know how to have a good time, and you're not afraid to drink like a big boy.

Remember the phrase, "No means yes"?  Always keep that in mind when interacting with your lady.  


4. Spill your drink all over your lady of choice.  Nothing gets a woman's attention like Miller Lite on her new white top!  This technique accomplishes multiple tasks: Not only will you make a great first impression, but you are also "leaving your mark" on her to deter nearby predators.  She will also remember you later when she is throwing her $100 top in the garbage.  If you really want her to take notice, make sure you order a drink of the "girlie" variety, preferably something with cranberry juice.  The more vibrant the color that spews on her clothing, the more she will thank you for spicing up her outfit.

5. Call her "baby", "honey", or "sweetie" when making your approach.  These terms of endearment will immediately make your honey feel close to you, as if you've known her all her life.  It's appropriate to insert these words in your first greeting, but only if paired with the words "You're one sweet _____", "Hey _____", or in combination with a comment on her physical appearance.  This technique works best when one is whispering, as this helps create a more intimate environment for you two to get to know each other.

What she really means is, "I want you!"


6. Talk about yourself.  When you've finally scored yourself a conversation and she isn't running off to the "bathroom", you've got your in.  Now's the time to tell her all about you!  Include not only your likes and dislikes, where you were born, and what you do for living, but also talk about the stuff that really matters: your childhood, what your parents fight about, the last time you had a bowel movement, and your cat's medication regimen.  Now is not the time to ask a woman about herself, she is only interested in ascertaining whether or not you are the man she wants to spend time with.

Telling a woman everything about yourself without taking a breath allows her to make an informed decision about your character.

7. Flirt with her friend in front of her.  Want to drive your woman crazy?  Flirting with another woman, preferably someone who accompanied her to the bar, will do the trick!  Your interest in another female specimen will immediately remind her of what she might be relinquishing.  Jealousy is a forerunner of passion, and will surely lead to a heated love affair, if and only if flirting is done correctly.  Make sure your interactions with her friend cannot be mistaken for just casual conversation, perhaps by utilizing the above steps to make your intentions clear.

8. Forget her name.  Building off your momentum from #7, forgetting your lady's name is a surefire way to seal the deal.  A woman wants to fight to be the object of your attention.  Nothing creates sexual frustration like the feeling that you are not worth remembering.  Take advantage of this when you ask your lady to accompany you on a first date.

9. Make sure you are in physical contact with her in some capacity at all times.  A woman has tons of areas for you to grab a hold of, not the least of which are her breasts, her ass, or even her ear lobes.  If you're feeling real daring, an impromptu massage will be a welcome distraction from the hustle and bustle of a bar, and she'll thank you for your thoughtfulness.  It is imperative that you do not ask her permission before touching any area of her body; this behavior will make her think you are a pussy.  Nothing says "I'm the one for you!" like sexual assault.

Sound easy?  That's because it is!  Tens of thousands of men have tried this empirical method of landing their first date, with brilliant results!  

Now, go slap some grease on your head, put on your best jersey, and go out there and woo those ladies!


On an unrelated note, I am trying to pick out a killer roller derby name for Halloween, and I need your help!  Please assist me by voting for your favorite in the upper right hand corner!  Thanks!!


carissajaded said...

hahahha I freaking love you and your blog. I think we should be friends. You just commented on my other (secret) blog's 20sb page, but I think you'll find we have even more in common if you check out my main blog. Well... the last month's entries were all a little sappy, but if you hit the tag that says TMI... well it makes me proud.

I will be back lady, so keep on writing!

Sara said...

I adore you.

Paddy 233 said...

That was hilarious! I have certainly tried a few of those tricks in my past (the spilled drink rarely leads to coitus I've found). I also recommend the "bump-and-grind until a rash develops" move; but that can only be accomplished if a dance floor is readily available.

Jing said...

I love it! I agree that thousands of men have probably succesfully accomplished this approach to landing a first date... with a girl who is blacked out or otherwise a little too under the influence. I also definitely like when they mispronounce your name, or ask you fun questions like "Do you speak Asian?"

orion said...

I am calling my lawyer right now to report that you have been stalking me and are now using my techniques as a PUA (Pick Up Artist) and sharing them with the world.

You will be served papers shortly.

Me, myself and I said...

That was awesome!!! Telling the lady about your "cat's medication regimen" almost made me spew soda all over my computer! I love love love your drawings. Thanks for showing my blog some love I am glad you did!

Cassy said...

Alot of men must read your blog. All the men I've met lately have used no less than 3 of the charming actions on your list. This must be cloud heaven.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I've never had anything spilled on my shirt, which must explain why I'm not in love or like married. Sigh. One day.


Tiffany said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tiffany said...

Hilarious Bianca! I think you should post this on a dating help website. I would also add, "Make sure you tell her about how big of a stud you are. Listing off the names of the women you had relations with, as well as where those relations occurred, is a surefire way to impress." ;)

Flower said...

More guys need to read this!!!!!

The Average Broad said...

Dude, this is probably one of the greatest "how to" posts ever created.