Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Pangs of Rejection and the Fury That Follows

**This post is dedicated to my dear friend Leila, who has had a very similar experience with THIS VERY SAME COMPANY.**

Holy shit, unemployment seriously sucks!!!  This is my official vent over my pathetic job search, because it really makes me want to go out and punch someone.  Let me tell you an extremely sad story, one that is so infuriating to me I didn't even have time to make more than rudimentary illustrations to go along with it (I'm sure you're heartbroken!).

Once upon a time, there was a job posted for a sweet gig at the local hospital.

"Hark!" said I, "A job I am qualified for!  HUZZAH!!!  It's a goddamn miracle!!!!"

So I send in my resume that I printed on gold paper and sprinkled with diamond dust, not to mention a killer cover letter that told them how awesome I am.

**Much thanks to Nick for letting me steal his cover letter idea.  It's working wonders!!!

I marched to the post office like a proud peacock, sure as shit that that job was MINE.  I check my phone incessantly, but to no avail:

(This is my phone.  Just an FYI.)

I carried on like this for a good couple weeks, when one day I was bitching to my mom and said, "WHO DO YOU HAVE TO SCREW TO GET AN INTERVIEW AT THE HOSPITAL ANYWAY!!??".  

Suddenly, the majestic sound of Shoop cuts through the sound of my screeching voice, I look down at my phone, and this is what I see!  
Shoop, Shoop-a-Doop, Shoop-a-Doop, Shoop-a-Doop-a-Doop-a-Doop

I just about crapped myself as I reached for my phone!

"An interview??  SURE!!  Should last the whole afternoon?  AWESOME!!!!  I'll have to sell my soul to the Devil??  SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The day of the interview arrives, and I get all dressed up and ready to go.  I first interview with a nice lady from Human Resources, and I tell her how monkeys fly out of my ass on command and how my coworkers would describe me as "seriously motivated" and "totally hot", not to mention the best "listener" they've ever seen, not judgmental or sarcastic in any fashion!

My biggest weakness is OBVIOUSLY my incessant need to help everyone in the world, and how I just HAVE to have everything perfect!!  "Ohmygosh it's just so hard when you're such a perfectionist, but I have really high standards!!", says I!  I rocked it!

I then mosey on over to the actual job site for the second part of the interview, which was supposed to begin at 1:00.  What time do I get brought into a room with five homely and hostile women to word vomit myself to Hell?  1:50!  Why yes, nearly an hour I sat out in the lobby, anxiously waiting for the chance to prostitute myself.

I finally get in, the word vomit ensues, and I walk to my car feeling reeeeal good about myself.  They laughed, they cried, they nodded and grunted in response to my wise words.  It was like out of a dream.

So about a week later, I get a call for a second interview.  You want to see the picture again?  Okay, here it is:
You're packed and you're stacked, 'specially in the back, brother wanna thank your mother for a butt like that...

I go in to meet with some other people, and left feeling... Well, let's just say, not quite as confident.  Like an idiot, actually.  Totally bombed it.  Fucked it up royally.  You know all those things they tell you NOT to do in interviews?  Well, that was my M.O. for the day.  Great.

They tell me it will be the beginning of the following week that I will hear back from them.  Sweet!  A whole week to stew in my misery!  

A week goes by, and here we are again:

Another week goes by.

And another.

And another.

I resign myself to my fate, fuming over their unprofessionalism.  And, let's face it, my bruised ego. 

Then, several weeks later (yes, even later than the three that had already transpired), I run across this on the Internet job site where the job was posted:

I do a double take.  You're kidding me, right??!!  Is that seriously the job I interviewed not once, but TWICE for??!  With no callback, or even the decency of a "Sorry You Suck" e-mail?!!

So the point of this post is this:  I jumped through all of their hoops, I waited patiently for their asses to be ready without complaint, and I whored myself out like the best of 'em.  WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT??!  A diamond ring?  A letter of recommendation from President Obama?  My firstborn child?  

Okay, so maybe I wasn't a "good fit", as we mental health-types like to say.  Sure, I screwed up the interview.  Then please tell me when it became okay to treat potential employees like shit??  I deserve the decency of a lousy e-mail telling me I didn't get the job.  Not only did I have to think up all those lies about myself on the spot, but I even bought TWO new outfits for this gig.  Now who's going to pay off my credit card bill?  

Evidently, not the hospital.  As if unemployment during a recession isn't bad enough, then we have to deal with this crap.  

Now if you'll excuse me, I have aluminum cans to sell.  BAH HUMBUG!



Sara said...

I absolutely adore this post. And making up lies on the spot is fucking tough. How do interviewers not realize this? I mean, OBVIOUSLY my biggest weakness is that I DON'T WANT TO WORK AT ALL and I play on the internet for 6 out of the 8 work hours except when they ask it's all Oh, I'm just *too* nice sometimes. I let people walk all over me.... riiiiiight.

we hate you. love, us said...

omg, I LOVED this post. You summed up all the things I feel about unemployment a lot better than I ever could. It's awful. And I HATE when they don't have the decency to send an "I'm sorry, but you're far too awesome to work for us" email. It's so rude. And to REPOST the job?! Arg. Bastards.

Bi said...

@Sara: I've often thought about how they would respond if I were to be truthful.. "Why do you want this job?" "Um, I don't. I just want the paycheck." "What's your biggest weakness?" "I am lazy and unmotivated, and I never go out of my way to do anything for anyone." You're hired!!

@WHYLU: Thanks for the support! My God, I always thought I was extremely lazy but they can't even send a damn e-mail to tell you you suck! I guess they thought I was smart enough to figure it out once it was reposted. Thanks, assholes.

Can you guys tell I'm still fuming over this? ;)

Jing said...

Your pictures for this post are AWESOME. Love it.

Cassy said...

bi - best post ever. sometimes fuming inspires the best creativity. fume on.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I'm just a big hater right now because I want that phone and I want that cover letter, STAT.

This totally happened with me. After my interview, the ladies I interviewed with where all winking at me, and saying how my resume stood out and wink, wink, wink. I felt so damn good. And I never even got a let down letter.

People suck.

Amazing post.


Bi said...

@Jing: Thank you!

@Cas: Thank you too! If you ever want to guest-fume, please be my guest. It's quite liberating.

@Roxanne and Lorraine: LOL, if you just go to your local Verizon Wireless store, I'm sure they can hook you up with a Piece O' Shit to call your own! Sorry to hear about your interview experience, that really sucks. I HATE INTERVIEWS! Thanks for the comment. :)

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