Thursday, October 14, 2010

You Know You Missed Me.

Wow, it's been over a week since I've updated, which is totally unacceptable and I apologize profusely!  The time has just flown by in a blur of confusion, pissed-offedness and total irritation over standardized testing and annoying people that keep coming and going in my life.  Sometimes it's just easier to sit in my house and never come out, drinking wine by myself and rotting away in the basement with my kitty from Hell.  

Me and Shithead, chillin' like villians.
Please note the GRE book that Shithead is sitting on.
That thing deserves to have some serious Shithead hairball-combined-with-foul-smelling-feces smeared on its pages.  

How do I know I'm stressed about beyond belief?  Not because I'm acting crazy, oh no!  It's because I LOOK crazy!!  Allow me to recount the ways in which my brain finds it best to deal with stress:

1.  My face looks like that of a thirteen-year-old boy.  

Is this why I'm single?

I've always had good complexion, always!!  Until about two months ago, when my face broke out in total chaos, which continued to proliferate until I looked like a giant red pimple walking around.  Normal pimples last a day or two before they start to diminish, but these fuckers are the bed bugs of zits.   Leaving the house requires about a half-day marathon of makeup application that only serves to hide the redness.  It does nothing to alleviate the "crater-face" that is the object of so many teenage nightmares.  

With my test day approaching, they seem to be getting the point and diminishing in size at least.  Hopefully I can stop Hunchback-of-Notre-Dameing it in the near future so I can actually walk among the living again.  

2.  My eyebrow is incessantly twitching all day, every day.

What the hell is up with muscle twitching??!!  My God, is there anything more aggravating then your eyebrow pulsating like a goddamn vibrator at all hours of the day?  This is driving me bat-shit crazy!!  It doesn't matter what I'm doing, whether it's watching TV, studying for that God-forsaken test, or just waiting for my Thorazine drip, my eyebrow is dancing away like the goddamn Jonas Brothers are jamming out on my forehead.  

"Go eat a banana", they say.. "You lack potassium."   BANANAS. DO. NOT. HELP.  Lack of potassium?  Nah.  Maybe it's my lack of social interaction.  Or lack of motivation.  Or lack of math skills.  OR LACK OF SANITY!  What kind of fruit is a cure for those things, HMMMMM?

3.  I am dreaming about fractions, percentages, and isosceles triangles. 

Enough said.  And you want to know the sad thing?  I don't know any more about them in my dream then I do in real life.  You'd think I could catch a break in my dream world, sheesh.  

4.  My hair is falling out.

Pretty soon I'm going to be as bald as the tires on my car if this keeps up.  I don't think I have the facial features to pull off the Sinead O'Connor look, plus I'm pretty sure my head is misshapen so I'll just look like a Conehead.  While I'd love to live in blissful ignorance, I'm marking the calendar when my last strand of hair falls out for good.  I'll let you guys know, maybe we can have a balding party.

Hot Tamale!!!

This last week I have forced myself to leave the house to go on various social outings, which has so far prevented me from becoming a shriveling mess in the corner, stuck in a fetal position and whispering, "MY PRECIOUS!!" to the remote control.  I have also taken a break from the horror that is studying for the GRE, so that a lilliputian* amount of my sanity remains for test day.

*Nice word choice, eh???  I am learning something!

I hope all of YOU are having a wonderful week, and have big plans for the weekend that are better than sitting around adding and subtracting fractions and areas and volumes.  I'll be thinking of you!



Girl I feel you on the zits! Whenever I'm on my rag, my face looks like a case of WHO DUN IT AND WHAT FOR! oh lord!

Sarah said...

Oh thank god it's not just me! I have an eye twitch that won't quit and my hair recently started falling out too! Stupid stress. I'm going to be old and fat and bald pretty soon. That's right, fellas, call me ;)

theTsaritsa said...

I get the eye twitch sometimes, which is my body's way of telling me that I need caffeine or had too much caffeine.

And yeah, pimples suck. Staying hydrated should help some.

we hate you. love, us said...

Oh my gosh, the eye twitch. That's when I know I'm totally losing it. Arg, it's the worst.

Anonymous said...

ive just recently had a breakout of spots too! Not fun! and my hair is coming out :( sadtimes!!x

Sara said...

ahahahahaha, this post plus falen's comment just made my life.

Christine said...

At least when you are bald it looks like your face cleared up!

And good luck on the complexion...I must be stressed too because mine has been going seriously downhill for the last couple of months. I thought I was supposed to grow out of this pimple bullshit by my 20s...but i guess not :-P