Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A is for AWESOME!

I know I said I was going to blog about my hypochondriasis, but I am going to save that for later.  Besides, me being awesome is a wonderful way to segway into that topic, since after that many of you will think I'm a little weird (if you haven't decided that already..).  

Editor's Note:  After re-reading this entry, it's come to my attention that you may mistakenly think me a bitch.  But I assure you, most of the material that follows is dramatized for comedic value.  MOST of it...  

Today I am going to blog about a realization I have had this week.  Why it has taken me 27 years to finally accept this, I do not know, as I'm sure all of you had this figured out after a mere 20 blog entries!  Allow me to explain.

After a series of events over the last few months that have left me bitter, hostile, and perpetually annoyed, I have come to the conclusion that I am... well, a little uptight, I guess.  I'll pause for the gasps, eye rolls, and sighs of relief from those of you who know me well.  

****Elevator Music****

I was studying for my psychology GRE test and I came across the following description of a Type A personality:  

"Type A personalities tend to get frustrated with everything that makes them wait.  They hate lines and getting stuck in traffic.  They tend to walk at a rapid pace, always aware of time and feeling that there's never enough to spare.  These people are easily irritated and exasperated due to urgency in time and impatience.  They have a high need for achievement, and 'free-floating' hostility."

It was like a light bulb went off in my head!  "Hot damn!" said I, "That's my problem!!  That's why I feel like clocking someone everywhere I go!!!" 

I finally have figured out why I spend at least 50% of the day (and that's being optimistic) feeling annoyed over the idiots who ask stupid questions that make meetings/trainings/etc. last forever, or the lazy assholes who can't step on the gas when the light turns green.  Or the pedestrians that lollygag across the street when I am trying to sneak in a right turn! 

Sometimes, I feel almost faint with rage in these situations.
Seriously people, STOP. ASKING. QUESTIONS.  Just blunder through like I do, you'll be fine!
My inevitable screeching from the window as some idiot slows down to let someone in front of them, thereby causing me to miss the green light.
Of course, the guy who was the beneficiary of such kindness, as well as the hero himself, have both made it on green.

Or why, when I'm shopping with a friend, I walk along without noticing that my friend is still sauntering past the pretzel cart I passed with my nose turned up about ten minutes before. Or how about those people at the grocery store who pay with a CHECK and take forever... Come on, people, get with the times!  EVER HEARD OF A CHECK CARD, GENIUS?!?!

Don't worry, I've never actually punched anyone.  But boy, have I wanted to!
I daydream about it sometimes.

Editor's Note:  This must be what they mean by "free-floating hostility".  

I get all heated just thinking about it.  Reading on about Type A personalities, I learned that I am doomed to suffer from hypertension, job stress, social isolation, increased stomach acidity, and an early death by heart disease.  

My diagnosis:  

Hypertension: Only at the gynecologist!  Of course, that's the only time I get my blood pressure checked.  Hmm.

Job stress:  Hahahaha, it's hard to have job stress when YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB!  Suck on that, Dr. Whoever Came Up With This Lame Idea!!

Social Isolation:  Well yeah, I mean, sometimes everyone needs to remove themselves from a world that makes their ears bleed... Right?!?

Increased Stomach Acidity:  My stomach PH level is about as far above 7 as you can get, thankyouverymuch!  No acid here!  Unless that's why I can't eat anything with onions anymore.. Hmm.

Here comes heart disease!!!

I felt a little bad after reading this description, but then I got to thinking about this "Type A" business and it seemed really.. yes, I'm going to say it.. ANNOYING to me that it's considered bad to be a little more... um... "conscientious".  Is it so bad to have high standards?  Is it unreasonable to expect a little bit of mindfulness from those around you?  Is it sooooooo baaaaaaaad to expect others to do exactly what I say, when I say to do it, with no questions asked??!?  

IS IT?!??!!!!  HMMMMMMM?!??!!!!?!!!!   I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR EVERYONE!!!!


So I've decided to redefine the "Type A" personality in the following manner:

A is for Awesome:

Type A personalities are highly driven by a need to succeed, and devote themselves tirelessly to their goals.  They are skilled organizers and planners, and are very resourceful.  These individuals have high standards for others, and are deeply hurt when others do not reach them, or do not share their desire for greatness.  Type A personalities are funny, smart, cool, attractive, and awesome in bed, and deserve a medal for all the bullshit they put up with during the course of a typical day.  

Congratulations!  You've made it through another day!
You are AWESOME!

Okay, so maybe that last part is a little much.  I'm not an asshole, really.  I promise.  
My point is, they make Type A's sound like bad people, but I think the Type A's should stand together!  If I wanted sunkissed hair, a surfboard, and a pretty bong like those "Type B" folks, I am certain that my "need for achievement" can get me there.  Bah humbug!!

Editor's Note:  I mean no disrespect to the "Type B"-ers, but you must admit that you guys get all the praise, while the "A-Listers", as I'm now going to call them, get the bad rep.  No more, my friends!  A-LISTERS UNITE!!!


Sarah said...

"Type A personalities are funny, smart, cool, attractive, and awesome in bed, and deserve a medal for all the bullshit they put with during the course of a typical day."

Yep, that pretty much describes me to a T. I believe that officially means you're my internet BFF. Yay for smart asses!!

Me, myself and I said...

Wow, so all that free floating hostility I have...I have for a reason?!?
I never really thought of myself as a Type A but it pretty much describes me perfectly.
Your drawings are awesome!

Inky said...

BRILLIANT! I think I might be an AB hybrid. I saw last night that you had posted, but it was bedtime, so I told myself that I would save reading this post for when I got to the office today.

Well, I woke up late and couldn't catch my usual bus (Type B), so I waited in the wind and icy rain for the next bus. Which didn't come. I stood there with my ginormous backpack, feeling that very urge to punch something (Type A). By the time I caught a bus, I was late to work and had pain in my ears from the whistling wind. Not to mention that Wednesday is my 13-hour day (Type A), so I'm not exactly looking forward to the rest of it. I would actually kind of rather go back to bed than deal with the crap headed my way today (Type B).

But this post makes up for all of the crap. :) THANKS!!!!

"M" said...

1) That first cartoon (of the classroom) is exactly what happened in EVERY.single.one of my Master's classes. So get ready for that.

2) Your Walmart banner made me spew my coffee, as I was unexpectedly hit with a fit of giggles.

3) I deeply appreciate your re-write of the Type A personality. And... what does your book say a Type B personality is? Does the 'B' stand for boring? Having absolutely no information on the subject, I'm just gonna go ahead and say yes.

Bi said...

@Sarah: Sweet!! We should start a roster of all A-list bloggers, and exclude everyone else. You know, like a whole "mean girl" thing...

@MMI: Yes, free-floating hostility is a real thing! Though I would prefer to think of it as "being smarter than other people". Ahem.

@Inky: Hahaha, looks like you have the best of both worlds! Sorry for the crappy day, the A-lister in you should be punching someone right about now... :)

@M: Yes, I too have experienced the joys of idiots asking stupid questions in Master's classes. I don't quite understand that, since you'd except people in higher-higher education to have a little bit of a clue. Here's an actual description of Type B-ers:

"Temperament characterized by moderate ambitiousness and drive, accommodating attitude, cooperativeness, focus on quality over quantity and, in general, an easy going approach to life."

Yeah, right. No one is that swell!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Why is there always an old lady with 99 pennies?!? Or some lady who sent her kid to go get one more box of cereal because she didn't know they were buy one, get one so now the entire EXPRESS line is waiting for a stupid 7 year old.


Despite that rant, I'd consider myself an A/B hybrid, because that walking fast and over achieving stuff isn't for me. Maybe I'm just pissy. I MEAN AWESOME. And awesome in bed.


Michael Clyde said...

Maybe the old lady is a Jay-Z fan?

She's got 99 pennies and her change ain't done.

Show me a Type-A personality and I'll show you someone who changed the world. Show me a Type-B personality and I'll show you the impetus for Jeff Spicoli.


Jess said...

I heart you and your Type A personality. I gave you an award! Pop over to my blog and check it out!

Ms. Ileane said...

I never agreed with any of the personality "typings" A, B or any hybrid combinations.

Here's what I do when I get some of those symptoms you mentioned (like wanting to go upside everyone's head that comes near me).

I flip the script.

First I get a shopping cart, not that cute little hand held thingy - I mean a "real" shopping cart. Then I can become the person that get's in everyone else's way by placing the cart on very obtuse angles which block the entire isles. Then (oh I forgot to mention, never be in a rush when you go shopping. NEVER!!) I stroll through the store and take my time looking at stuff I have no interest in, while I grab the items I really came to shop for. I look for that "person who seems to be in a rush" and I find ways to slow them down by taking up more space than I need to, or interrupting them when they're talking to the cashier by asking a totally bizarre question like "You used to carry the 48 count box of tampons but I only see the 64 count box, do you think they have them in the back somewhere?"

By the time you reach the check out line - (DON'T get in the short line, it will make you seem like you're in a rush) find the longest line and start talking to who ever is in line ahead of you.

By this time you have "flipped the script" and everyone will want you out of the store so bad you'll notice this on your next visit - Miraculously, everyone will move out of your way. When they see you coming down the isle they will step aside and let you through. When it's time to check out, cashiers will come from no where and whisper in your ear "I'm opening this line Miss". I promise you'll be out of that store so fast you'll go back in just to get one more box of tampons and help some old lady count her pennies. :)