Monday, November 29, 2010

Oh, the Holidays...

There's something about the holiday season that brings out the worst in everyone in my family.  St. Nicholas swoops in, knocks on the door, and delivers a big basket of irritability and short tempers for all!  This Thanksgiving week was no exception, though admittedly the foul moods don't usually spring up until about mid-December.

Apparently our family is naughty all year round.

Perhaps it's the inordinate amount of time I'm spending at home, due to my lack of social life and unemployment, not to mention the residual depression that follows a day filled with Facebook-stalking, playing Wii, and watching Friends on DVD.  Or maybe it's the fact that it's all icy outside and one risks their life upon leaving the house because Minnesotans somehow forget how to drive in the winter after an absence of snow for three months.

Nah, I am pretty sure it's due to my brother, Will.

I'm fairly certain Will is not aware of this lovely blog I am keeping, so I am going to paint an uncensored look at the personality-disordered member of our family.  You may think I am just being mean or exaggerating, fueled by the never-ending sibling rivalry that plagues any family, but I'm not.  This kid gets my blood boiling like only Dick Cheney can, only Will is usually standing right in front of me so the temptation to resort to physical violence is a hundred times harder to fight!

Let's start with the basics.  Will is a 30-something man who lives alone in Saint Paul and works at a local grocery store (part-time).  He's worked at this grocery store since he "graduated" from college (and by "graduated", I mean he didn't finish his credits but by some glitch in the system was actually granted his college degree FOUR YEARS after leaving college.  Mr. Motivated, that's Will!).  Will appears to have no ambition to do anything in his chosen field of "mass communications and journalism".  (and by "mass communications and journalism", I mean "Sleeping 101"), and I think he actually prefers working part-time so he can mooch off of everyone else, claiming he "is broke".

Now Will is an extremely abrasive person, one who can elicit a hiss from my cat without saying a word.  All he has to do is stand there and Miko's fur puffs out, the ears go back, and the hisses never stop until Will finally leaves the room.  If it were anyone else, I'd probably scold Miko a little or put him in a different room, but since he expresses my own sentiments about Will without me having to do it, I just sit back and chuckle about it.

THERE IS NO ROOM IN THIS HOUSE FOR YOU!
I'm so pissed I think I'm going to go dig around in the litterbox.  Goodbye.

Here's the rundown of our family visits when Will comes to town:

3:45pm:  Will arrives at our house with a huge basket of laundry for my mother to do.

(Yes, I will remind you that he is 32 years old.)

4:00pm:  Will looks in the refrigerator and begins to empty all cans of beer, Coke, and/or other alcoholic beverages he finds into his jacket and/or backpack.

4:15pm:  My mother attempts to touch his laundry, but is delayed by the stench that is hitting her olfactory nerve and her subsequent gag reflex.  Out come the latex gloves.

4:30pm:  Will says something degrading about someone's wardrobe, choice of television show, or one's planned activities for the evening.

4:32pm:  Bianca rips hair out of her head, screams at the top of her lungs, and uses very colorful language to tell Will she thinks he is a complete and total jackass incorrect in his judgments and should shut the hell up be quiet.

I may share a little bit of Will's tendency of always having to have the last word, so our fights usually drag on for the duration of his visit.  Usually, these visits last only a day or maybe two, but NO, this year he stayed for THREE WHOLE DAYS.

Want to know what the fight of this holiday was over?  I bet you do!!!

It was about Brett Favre.

Drama queen, much?  Do us all a favor, Favre, and just go on Dancing with the Stars like every other washed up athlete.

Yes, that total idiot who plays for the Minnesota Vikings and makes an ass out of himself every week by losing football games, weeping on national television, retiring and then not retiring, or sending pictures of his penis to poor, innocent women who never deserved such treatment.  That's what Will and I fought about.

Now I don't know anything about football, nor do I care.  What I DO know is that Brett Favre is a total embarrassment to himself, his team, and this state, and needs to REALLY retire, STAT.  As I discovered on Thanksgiving, Will does not share this opinion.  Over a lovely Thanksgiving dinner, Will and I fought over Brett Favre's level of stupidity for a record THREE DAYS!

Bianca:  "What are you doing tonight?"

Will:  "Going to my friend's house to talk about how AWESOME Brett Favre is, what an AWESOME football player he is, and how AWESOME he is that he donates to charity, BOOYAH!!"

Bianca:  "Have fun.  Should I print out a picture of him so you and your friends can masturbate to his total AWESOMENESS?"

Will:  "Shut up, Bi!"

Bianca:  "No YOU shut up, Will!!"

And so on.

(Yes, I am 27 and he is 32 years old.  Don'tjudgeme.)

I have two other brothers too, so when we all get together over Christmas the fighting is of a little more variety, and involves numerous individuals.  I'll be sure to keep a tape recorder on or something so I can post them afterwards.

On a different note, I received an award, HOOOOORAY!  This is from the lovely Jess at Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot.  If you haven't checked out her blog yet, you most definitely have to!  Much thanks to her for thinking I'm funny!


Hope all of you had a lovely and fight-free Thanksgiving!  Peace out!

4 comments:

Ms. Ileane said...

Ok, I agree with Jess, this blog is Freakin' Funny! HA!

I think you should give up on watching "Friends" though. It can add to a depressed mood in some very subtle ways. Like the fact that the hottest guy on the show is also the dumbest. Oh yeah, and the hottest girl on the show is also the dumbest one too. :) And then theres' the cat song that she sings.

Even if Brett goes on Dancing with the Stars I still won't watch, that show has been getting pretty depressing too recently.

Well anyway I'm on to your next funny post.

theTsaritsa said...

I love "Smelly Cat" that's my jam! Will sounds like a real winner *rolls eyes* but I guess you've gotta have one of them in every family.

Sara said...

Will and my sister should get married. They could make each other miserable for many, many years to come...

"M" said...

This sounds like MOST of my family members. However, we were all able to agree this year that Brett Favre is, indeed, a moron. So luckily, the fights didn't involve this washed-up athlete... Instead my grandmother and step-father got into it, about the pronunciation of mozzarella (this went on for two hours... Is it motsarella or mootzarella? jeez who cares). Sigh.