Tuesday, November 30, 2010

ZomBianca: A Love Story, Part 1

Like many of you, I have developed an intense liking for AMC's new zombie show, the Walking Dead.

Editor's Note:  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to leave this blog immediately, watch an episode here, and don't come back until you do!!  SHAME ON YOU!!!

Also like many of you (or, maybe not, since I seem to be like a five-year-old when it comes to getting excited about things), I went crazy over the prospect of winning a "stagger-on" role in their "sweepstakes" (i.e., load of hooey!), so much so that I actually paid attention to the commercial breaks just so I wouldn't miss the "secret code".  A typical narcissist, I was convinced that even though millions of people probably signed up for that prize, that role was MINE and no one could take it away from me!!

Well, here we are, almost at the season 1 finale of this wonderful show, and I'm stagger-on-role-less.  That contest was totally rigged!  Therefore, I've decided I don't have to win a stupid contest to have a role in the Walking Dead.  No, siree.  I'm going to make it up myself!!

I thought about filming a little video for all y'all, because my stagger is like totally realistic and you'd all be in love with me and my zombieness and want to copy me and walk around everywhere with your leg dragging behind you making serial-killer hissing noises and trying to pop your eyes out of their sockets!!!  But, I decided against it because I really think my MS Paint capabilities would probably do the story more justice.

So here we go, my very own Walking Dead graphic novel!

**WARNING:  I may have gotten a little carried away with my cartoons, so if you don't like cartoon bunny heads severed from their bodies, I wouldn't read any further.

Editor's Note:  I really wanted to write a story that was actually.. you know... well-written?  But I just couldn't keep the stupid out of it, no matter how hard I tried.  Sorry!  

----------------Creepy Intro Sequence------------------

Once upon a time, there was a young lady named Bianca.

(Like, 21 young.)

(Shut up, this is my story!)

Our heroine!

One morning, she woke up to see what appeared to be dead people stumbling around outside her house.

Hmm, that's curious.

  They staggered around like the town drunk* and their flesh appeared to be rotting off their sunken faces.

*Editor's Note:  Of course, the "town drunk" does NOT refer to Bianca.  Yet.

"Hark!  Dead people!!  What the hell is going on??!" Bianca screamed, quickly shutting the blinds of her small house.  She could hear the gargled voices and the shuffling footsteps of the dead outside her window.

"Did I drink too much last night?", Bianca muttered to herself, silently counting the glasses of wine she consumed the night before.  Counting only ten, she knew she couldn't be hallucinating... That was a slow night for her!*  She groped for her cell phone in the dimly lit bedroom.

*See previous Editor's Note.

Bianca dialed her mother's phone number, her hands shaking.  She wondered what would be worse: Discovering that zombies are outside her house, or discovering she was crazy?

No answer.

"Jesus, I need some wine," Bianca sighed, holding her head.  She looked at the empty bottle on the kitchen table with sorrow.  "I bet Jake has some!"

Of course, Bianca was referring to Jake Gyllenhaal.  They had been best friends for years, ever since Bianca declined his advances at a club in Los Angeles.  Unused to rejection, Jake was impressed with her wit and sarcasm, and they had been inseparable ever since.

Stop ruining all the pictures, Jake!  You joker, you!!!!

Jake even owned a house across the street, so they had a regular breakfast date every morning.  Bianca knew that if the dead were truly walking around, they'd want to party with Jake.  She better get there fast!

Bianca cracked open the front door of her house, peering outside at the wandering cadavers.  Looking for a weapon, she grabbed the empty wine bottle.  Waiting for an opportunity to make a run for it, she stood at the ready by the door.

Suddenly, a rabbit sprang from underneath the neighbor's bushes!  The walkers descended upon it like tigers to their prey.  Bianca seized the opportunity to run deftly across the street.

Thank God for the ten-mile run Bianca does everyday.  Ahem.

She reached Jake's door, and knocked lightly.

No answer.

"Jake!" She whispered.  "Jake, are you there?"  Bianca peered through the window, seeing what appeared to be human silhouettes inside.  She knocked softly on the window.

The doorknob turned slightly, just as Bianca glimpsed the form of a woman she recognized through the gossamer curtains of Jake's home.

Creepy face through the window.  Who is it??!

"Wait a minute... Is that...?" Bianca whispered, as the door began to open.

Of course she would have to have a full head of hair, even as a zombie.  Hate her!

"TAYLOR SWIFT?!!?!" Bianca screamed, as the rotting country tween lunged towards her!  Bianca swung the wine bottle, shattering it against the doorframe.  Taylor screeched and staggered towards her, unphased by this blatant display of aggression.  Unable to hold her own weight, Taylor fell to her knees, desperately grasping for Bianca's ankles.

Bianca kicked at the decayed Taylor, gasping in disgust at her rotting teeth and bloodshot eyes, her flesh sloughing off on Bianca's outfit from the night before.  Remembering the fate of the zombies she had laughed at in horror movies past, Bianca screamed as she stabbed Taylor's head with the broken wine bottle.

Death by wine bottle.  In her nightgown, no less.  Sad.

Taylor lay motionless, while Bianca scrambled into the house and shut the door in the face of another zombie.

"Jake!!!" She screamed, looking around frantically for her friend.  The faint sound of "Teardrops On My Guitar" played in the background.

"I always hated that fucking song," Bianca muttered to herself.  She took a step towards the kitchen, trying to remember where Jake kept his liquor cabinet.

She heard a shuffle behind her.  Whirling around, she saw the beautiful decaying face of Jake Gyllenhaal springing towards her!

That's supposed to be his eye hanging from the socket.
And he used to be so pretty!

Jake sunk his teeth into her shoulder, and Bianca screamed in agony!

That was the last thing she remembered.


-----------------------------End Credits---------------------

WOAH!!  Such drama!!!

Will Bianca rise again?  Will she find the bottle of wine (i.e., HUMAN FLESH!!) she so desperately wanted??  IS JAKE GYLLENHAAL REALLY DEAD?!

Stay tuned for the continued adventures of ZOMBIANCA!

I totally missed my calling as a screenwriter, eh?!

Editor's Note:  I wanted to wait until it was closer to the finale before posting this, but I hate having posts sitting on my dashboard, especially when the one preceding it was so dismally boring.  So, please forgive me while I try to come up with Part 2 in a timely manner.  You can give me your ideas for Part 2 in the comments... MAYBE you'll win a prize if I choose yours.  Or maybe just my gratitude.  Ahem.


theTsaritsa said...

I love that you killed Taylor Swift! hahaha, and that series of photos of you partying it up with Mr. Gyllenhall is amazing!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I saw Love and Other Drugs, so I'm especially appreciative of Mr. Gyllenhall and his butt. ANYHOW, I like the Walking Dead. I really like zombies and the first episode of the show was haaamazing. Since then though, this episode of Zombianica is probably the best one.

Can't wait for part 2. Maybe you want to kill zombie Bieber? Just sayin'.


Sara said...

I'm going to need you to include a little zombie staggering in your karaoke video.

Or else.

(Taylor Swift is a dumb bish anyways. You're WAY hotter than her.)

Cole Garrett said...

LOL. Thanks for this. And thanks for stabbing Taylor Swift in the head with a broken wine bottle. Can't wait for the next part.

Meri said...

This absolutely made my day. Did you read the "haters guide to Taylor swift" on deadspin? It was gratifying. Jake just had a seizure and forgot what he was doing... promise...

Can't wait for the next installment :)