Monday, December 6, 2010

ZomBianca: A Love Story, Part Deux

On Thursday night, I was sitting with my pals Alicia, Cassy, and Kayla, and we were brainstorming exciting conclusions to my little story here.  Unfortunately, I proceeded to get falling down drunk failed to mentally rehearse our plotlines, so I forgot them all!  They are lost somewhere in the Thursday night stupor of martinis, wine, and really bad gin and tonics.  Which is a real shame, because we had quite the soap opera laid out for ZomBianca!  Maybe if I got drunk again my state dependent memory would pull the plot out of the abyss...

Hold on a second, I think I have some cheap wine in the refrigerator.

Ah, that's better.  It's all flooding back!

If you had the horrible misfortune of missing Part I of my poignant zombie love story, please click here, because otherwise my being a zombie will be somewhat confusing for you.  Besides, you get to see how I offed Taylor Swift, which is preeeetttyyyy cool if you ask me.  

Editor's Note:  I got so into this stupid story that I am have to drag it out into a Part III!!  Sadly, the actual characters from the show make a late appearance, and I wanted a real tear jerker going here so I had to extend the storyline.  My apologies...

So, without further ado, here is your next installment of ZomBianca: A Love Story!!  

-----------Creepy Opening Sequence-------------

Bianca struggled to open her eyes.  The whir of the air conditioning was almost deafening in the otherwise silent Los Angeles home.  Her vision was blurry, and her breath was raspy and uneven.  Disoriented, she sat up and looked around her unfamiliar surroundings.  

This is what Friday morning was like.
Ha, just kidding!  The hair's pretty accurate, though.

"Where am I?" Bianca murmured, the words escaping her lips in a gargle.  She noticed a gaping wound in her shoulder, caked with blood and grime.  Her leg was bent at an unnatural angle, and there appeared to be teeth marks all over her body.  

Bianca felt an overwhelming surge of hunger flow through her body as she fitfully scrambled to her feet.  Wounded and unable to stand upright, she staggered towards the door.  Memories slowly trickled back to her as she saw Jake Gylenhaal's familiar kitchen appliances and his collection of DVDs from his own movies strewn over his living room floor.  She saw a crumpled heap of blonde hair and blood on the floor.  Bianca could not recall who she was, but she didn't care.  She knew it wasn't alive, and what she wanted now was something to eat.  

Bianca staggered out of the empty house, spotting the remains of a small animal across the front yard.  Another "walker" was crawling towards her.  She thought he looked familiar, but couldn't quite place the memory.

"Biii-aaaaaa-cccccccc-aaa," the walker groaned, reaching towards her.  

"Jaaaa---kkkk---eee?" She said, recognizing her old friend.  She walked towards him, recognizing her old friend, Jake.  They embraced in zombie fashion.

Okay, so I know this might look a little dirty to some, but please note that Jake lost a limb somewhere and he can't stand up to hug ZomBianca properly.
Get your heads out of the gutter, sheesh!

"Me hungry!" Bianca snorted, and Jake nodded in agreement.  Bianca stumbled towards the street, while Jake crawled. 

They traveled through the city, meeting other walkers.  Bianca saw her good friend Justin Timberlake, whose stagger looked remarkably like a Michael Jackson dance move.

JT is quite limber for a zombie.

She met Justin Bieber for the first time, who appeared to have just gotten his hair done.

Hang ten, y'all!!
Zombiehood is like totes cool, man!  

She even met Joan Rivers, whom she had always admired.  Joan looked remarkably spry for the walking dead, and Bianca was envious of how well she had decayed.

Ah, I don't mean to hate on Joan.  I actually think she's hilarious.
But let's face it, she's the spitting image of the walking dead.

Jake and Bianca hunted the living together, but were mostly confined to the small insects, snakes, and rodents that hadn't already been devoured by the other walkers.  To satiate themselves in the meantime, she and Jake raided local Los Angeles bars and enjoyed free liquor.  

Drunken ZomBaseball!
Yeah yeah, this is a horrible drawing.  Whatevs.

Unfortunately, too much alcohol deadened their muscles even more, so movement was nearly impossible until the effects wore off.  Jake and Bianca spent those motionless times reminiscing about their good times together, and wondering how it came to be that they couldn't stand up straight anymore.  

Bianca and Jake grew closer and closer in the ensuing days, and Bianca began to wonder why they hadn't been together before!  She was thankful that becoming a zombie had cleared her head of her stupid "platonic" ideas about her handsome zombie friend.  She was fairly certain that Jake felt the same way, and was determined to find out one hot afternoon when they were lounging by an abandoned pool.  

Life's good.

But before she could speak, Jake stammered, "So, Bi, um...  I have something to tell you.  I never had the balls to say it when we were alive, but now that they have decayed and fallen off I finally have the courage to tell you.  These last few weeks staggering around with you have been the best weeks of my life!"  If Bianca had had a working heart, it would have skipped a beat!   

"Jake, I feel the same way!" Bianca said, leaning towards Jake for what was sure to be the most earth-shattering zombie-smooch ever!

Zombie loooooooovin'.

Suddenly, they heard the sound of a gunshot in the distance!

"What was that?!" Jake hissed.  Bianca quickly grabbed her arm, which she had ripped off days before for a game of "zombaseball", and crawled towards a peephole in the fence guarding the pool.  She saw several able-bodied humans walking towards their oasis.  

"Flesh!  Flesh!" Bianca grunted, her hunger rising up again.  Jake and she squealed with delight, attempting to climb over the fence.  

Bianca fell on the other side, and looked up into the beautiful face of Shane Walsh.  With a gun to her head.

Or dreamy, maybe.
I mean, scary!!

------------End Part II------------

Phew!!  Is this the end for Jake and ZomBianca?  Is this the end for Shane & Co., given ZomBianca's incredible speed and deadliness???!  Stay tuned for Part III!

There will be a very special interruption of this regularly scheduled programming on Friday, so everyone should be sure to stop by for that!  You won't be disappointed, swearsies.  


Meri said...

I read a copy of rolling stone last night, when my internet crapped out (thanks a lot comcast, FAIL) and started counting effing taylor swift appearances. After six I got murderous, and turned to your blog to release some tension. I think that's a day's work well done, ms. thang!

Can't wait for the rest!

Meri said...

Also, I'm psyched to have commented first and devirginized your comment wall. HAH.

theTsaritsa said...

Oh wow, I can't wait to see what happens to ZomBianca!! haha More zombie romance, please!

Sara said...

You are insanely amazing.


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