Tuesday, January 4, 2011

News Flash: It's Really Not That Hard to Get Laid

The other night, I was sitting with my girlfriends over margaritas, and the topic of men came up (what a surprise!).  One of my BFFs, Alicia, is currently living in Colombia and she had this to say about men: "I've been hanging out with a lot of men lately, and I really don't envy them.  All they ever think about is how to get laid, it's like their mission in life!  How sad!"

This statement, in combination with all those statistics about men thinking about sex twenty times per second or whatever it is, is just fascinating to me!  In the age of computer technology that can practically wipe your ass for you if you ask it to, it is really quite amazing that in many ways, the ways of the world just haven't changed all that much over 21 centuries.  What this means, essentially, is that men are wasting copious amounts of times worrying about something that really isn't that that hard to figure out.

Allow me to explain.  Evolutionary psychologists believe that men and women are governed by some universal rules that have been passed down through millions of years in the following manner:  Men want to spread their miraculous seed to as many women as possible to ensure their awesomeness will stick around forever, while women want to find a man who will not only provide them with strong and healthy children, but will stick around and be a good provider.  It is generally thought that even though the context has changed dramatically from the days when men and women crawled around like chimpanzees with breasts hanging down to their knees, these principles essentially remain the same.

Editor's Note:  I've always thought that the "sexual addiction" defense was rather emasculating for the likes of Tiger Woods and other weiner-hyperactives.  If they really wanted someone to blame, why not Charles Darwin?  

What I find funny about this "men think about sex a billion times a second" crap is that even after thousands of years have passed, technological improvements up the ass, and intelligence supposedly leagues over those dumbasses in ancient Rome or whatever, men still haven't figured this whole "getting laid" thing out.  Something so simple still consumes the majority of their day, when one simple step could have their seed practically swimming itself all over town!!  I have decided that I am sick of men's incompetence in this area, and I'm going to reveal a secret that will do the following:  a) Solve a centuries-old mystery for penises everywhere, and b) Make me look like a huge slut.

So here we go.

Want to get laid, boys?  Here's the secret:  DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

SHAZAM!  What?!??  That's all??!!  Yes, boys, that's all.  Just stop being an asshole, and you've got it made.

When I reflect back on all the opportunities I've had to engage in sexual relations with another person, most of the time they were thwarted by the man wearing his ass-hat for the duration of the social occasion in question.  Not returning phone calls or text messages, flirting with other women in front of me, arguing with me about stupid things that I didn't want to talk about, being a raging Republican, whatever.  Being an asshole does NOT equal foreplay.

I knew that Advanced Algebra in high school would pay off someday.

Still don't get it?  Here's an illustrative graph, for the "visual" learner:

Rocket Science.

Of course, I can only speak from my own experience, but I am assuming that other single ladies would agree with me, particularly when they've reached the ripe old age of 27 like I have.  After hundreds of failed dates and relationships, the common denominator for me is just a lack of respect.  I can honestly say that a man's chances of scoring with me are far rosier when he arrives to a date on time, pays for dinner like a gentleman should, stops himself from farting in my presence, and refrains from pointing out the huge zit that has manifested on the tip of my nose overnight.

My pants practically fly off my body when a man brings me flowers, and my bra actually unhooks itself if he pays me a compliment.  Opens the car door for me?  My legs are up in the air by the time he hits the driver's seat!  And I'm pretty sure the last time a guy picked me up at my house in his own car, I went outside in a jacket and high heels...and nothing else.  My dress decided to stay in for the evening.

Now one might think that I have turned into a total slut due to my id-driven and impulsive clothing, but I'm not worried.  Unfortunately, my clothes have stubbornly remained on my body for the better part of a year after I refused to make allowances for men's (and my own, incidentally) stupidity, and it appears that they will remain this way until men decide to WAKE THE HELL UP.

Now I won't go into detail about the absolute clusterfuck of idiots I have dealt with in dating over the years.  For that, please read this postthis post, or even this one if you would like the basis of my reasoning.  Or, you can read the countless blogs out there devoted to the topic of embarrassing and awkward dates.

In the meantime, I think I'll devote my life to passing on this incredibly well-kept secret to every penis I encounter.  BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.

I swear, it will pay off.


Meri said...

Oh what a glorious post darlin :)
I can attest to those who may question some of the ilk that have peppered your past...
some of the high points of this for me are your "new math," and the pie chart ("separation from mother's teat."

It really is that simple some times, isn't it? Well, I hope some decent dudes read this and figure it out :)

Cheers friend! P.S. any plans for your birthday?

lalalalauren said...

Haha, this is great! I think you're onto something with those graphs and formulas.

Simmeringdream said...

Amen, sister!

Catherine said...

lol, hilarious. And so true. There are plenty of guys out there that will treat you decent...on the surface. You'll know how much a guy respects you when you get into a fight with him. My fiance and I have disagreements, arguments, and disputes with each other, but we either tolerate each other's shortcomings, or talk it out. Even when we get into a more heated argument, he NEVER insults me, and he never yells. And I return the favor. Being mad isn't an excuse to call him an asshole.

THAT is the really hard part. Finding the guy that's respectful when he's mad, respectful when he's drunk, and respectful when he's BOTH!

Christine said...

You know...a lot of times guys can be an asshole and still get laid. It's all about the right balance of alcohol for sure.

I loved this post. And I'm visual so I dig the graphs ;-)

Constar said...

AHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSS! nicely said, nicely said indeed. You know what else to? if you ARE a douchebag and i am drunk enough or bored enough that night to bone you, you better be fuckin packing! because when the drum role plays and your douchebag pants come down and i see a "aww that sucks" instead of a " oh yea baby" thats just wrong.

in summary what im trying to say is that if your not a douchebag i wont be so pissed if i dont get off! if you are a douchebag then you better have something to show for it.

was that too harsh?

Constar said...

on another note i love Catherine's comment! preach!!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Girrrrl, why are you posting this up on the blog for free?! This is obviously your secret to millions.

Maybe I should send this link passive aggressively to a few men I know... ;)


loveable_homebody said...

These equations make so much more sense to me than anything I ever learned in math class. To top that, your math brings about such miraculous change. I hope this catches on and I really hope some guys comment on this post. What would there defense look like? Hmm...

"M" said...

Preach it sister!