Monday, February 14, 2011

Dating Dos and Don'ts According to the Bachelor

Every Monday night, it's like a red Ferrari that comes slamming through the patio window right into my living room with Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus making out in the back seat.  Absolutely terrifying, but impossible to look away!  The Bachelor is kind of like scratching your chicken pox, farting in public, or singing Backstreet Boys in the shower (ahem.)... Things that should be absolutely forbidden, but you do it anyway because it feels so damn good!!

I'm ashamed to say that every Monday, I get as excited as a Toddlers & Tiaras baby-prostitute on Pixi Stix for this train wreck of a television show.  It makes me feel infinitely better about myself and my single status, since they have actually had to RECYCLE a bachelor from a previous season just to find a "decent" man!  It totally validates my assertion that all the good ones are taken, gay, firmly planted in the "friend" zone, or so severely lacking in social skills one would have to get a lobotomy to interact with them.  The Bachelor is often of the latter variety, and this year is no exception.

A clueless man once told me that he watched The Bachelor and The Bachelorette to get an idea of "what women want".  Branching off of this idea, I have been "analyzing" this season's set of crazy women to determine what men REALLY want.  The following is DO's and DON'Ts list I have compiled into a comprehensive How-To guide on dating.  Based on the long-lasting and intimate relationships that have been produced by this show, I feel that this can only be an improvement for my own love life.


1. DO spill all your deepest, darkest secrets and past failures in life within minutes of meeting your man.  Bonus points if you have a child by a deadbeat dad, have conquered a debilitating disease, or lost a parent, friend, acquaintance, or lover, preferably in an unexpected and tragic way that left you with nothing and no one.  This makes your man secure that you are more fucked up than he is, and allows him to patronize you in the form of "comforting".

2.  DO wear a bikini at all times.  Swimming in the mansion pool?  Bikini.  Making out in the hot tub?  Definitely bikini.  Dinner at a fancy restaurant?  Break out the black bikini.  Dancing awkwardly to some washed-up artist a la Train or Barenaked Ladies?  Why not wear a bikini?  Bonus points if you can find some sand to roll around in, or if other women are in the room.

A bikini is fit for any occasion!

Be careful if pulling a Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction."
If not done correctly, you might end up looking like a slut.

3.  DO spontaneously attack your date for your "first kiss", preferably while leaping into his arms as he spins you around.  This maneuver is best accomplished within moments of meeting one another, because if fireworks aren't happening by then, you might as well pack your bags.

4.  DO talk shit about other women, particularly those who are also vying for your man's attentions.  The meaner, the better.  Men find this quality to be very desirable in their partner, as it indicates that she is a dumbass.  Demonstrating ignorance that other women would be present on a show called "The Bachelor" is an excellent way to communicate to your man that you are desperate, stupid, and lack attention to the obvious detail.

5.  On a date, DO discuss your rapidly growing feelings for the man you just met, and discuss at length where you see your relationship going in positive terms.  Use of the words "love", "best friend", and "right reasons" are crucial.  Don't talk about your family, your friends, your job, or anything else important or unique about yourself.  These meaningless details only confuse and overwhelm your date, and ultimately have no bearing on the success of your relationship.  Remind him repeatedly that you are falling for him and that you will soon no longer be able to live without him, so he is sure never to forget.

True love happens in the span of one minute.

6. DO make up phobias and other ailments, such as a fear of heights, a peanut allergy, or a peg leg, that make participation in your date a much larger affair than one would expect.  This allows you the opportunity to be as dramatic as possible, while also giving your date an excuse to hold you in his arms, slobber all over you, and praise you for your bravery following the act in question.  This moment of high emotion and intensity will bring you closer together, and allows your date to feel like a manly-man that he was able to comfort you through your difficult time.  Bonus points if you can land in the hospital or sport a cast on a vital appendage.

7.  DO cry every chance you get.  Bonus points if your tears are a product of your blossoming feelings for your man, overwhelming jealousy over his dates/make out sessions/sex dates with other women, or thinking about your child who is having a blast with his nanny and never returns your phone calls.

Showing vulnerability makes your man feel needed, a necessary ingredient to everlasting love.

8.  DO drink wine and tequila at all times.  Your hand should never be without a refreshing glass of alcohol, nor should you be able to speak in coherent sentences when spending time with your man.  Alcohol makes you feel relaxed, happy, and loose in a way that promotes intimacy between you and your date.  This is most important in a hot tub setting, where heat fumes and alcohol together form a special kind of ruffie that makes anything possible!

No conversation can't be saved with more wine.


1.  DON'T let on that you have a brain in your head.  Totally kills the mood.

2.  DON'T talk about yourself.  No man wants to hear the specifics about your likes, dislikes, and your personality.  The most important parts of a relationship are discussing feelings, screwing on camera while making "public service announcements", and your ability to compliment your man no matter how hairy his chest is.  See DO #2 for more information.

3.  DON'T ask your date anything about himself.  This is not about whether or not YOU like HIM; that is a given.  He needs to decide if you are worthy of his continued attentions, and this can only happen if he isn't burdened with conversation about his life.

4. If you are taking prescription medication for a mental illness, DON'T take it prior to any date with your man, especially if you struggle with Bipolar Disorder, severe Depression, or Intermittent Explosive Disorder.  Research shows that pheromones are released more easily without the interference of psychiatric medicine; therefore, the crazier you act, the more irresistible you become.  Bonus points for widening your eyes until they are bulging out of your head, punching someone in the face, or raising your voice to an octave that only dolphins can hear.

Physical violence shows your man that you are willing to fight for his affections.
I am also aware that the chick in the orange has some extremely long arms.

5. DON'T ever rely on old-fashioned values like abstinence, birth control, or playing hard-to-get.  These foolish and archaic ideas will most certainly land you on a plane back home with running mascara and an empty bottle of champagne in the limo.  You should be ready to get down to biz-ness anytime, anywhere. If you are not prepared to throw caution, safety, and your clean and healthy vagina to the wind for your bachelor in these crucial early stages of your relationship, this is not for you.


See, I knew all those hours spent rolling my eyes and cackling in amazement over the stupidity of men and women would pay off.  If, by some miracle, a Valentine's Day date arrives on my doorstep tonight, I plan to utilize the above list to guarantee a long-lasting relationship!  I advise all of YOU to do the same.

In all seriousness, I do hope all of you had a lovely weekend!  HAPPY V-DAY!



Sara said...

This was a GREAT post. Loved, loved, loved!

The Bachelor is hilarious and awful, all at the same time. Where the hell do they find those women??? Remember Michelle from last year? "HE IS GOING TO LOVE ME." (Insert big, scary eyes here.)

Stephanie said...

This made my day worth living! I was having a really shitty one until this post. Thank you oh so much for making me happy. =D

Christine said...

Every time they have a girl on here now named Michelle I'm extremely weary. I haven't watched this week's episode yet, so thanks for not spoiling it!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

What have I been doing with my life by NOT watching the very guide to dating itself, the Bachelor. If you sign up for a season, I will too! YAY.


Liddy said...

Thank you so much for watching and summarizing this show for me so that I need not risk exposure.