Friday, February 18, 2011

I Am Professionally Awesome, Thankyouverymuch.

As the anniversary date of my infamous layoff draws near, I am frightfully aware of how little I have accomplished in the last year... At least in terms of finding employment, developing social skills, and adding to my self-esteem are concerned.  Indeed, I only just now started the whole "giving back" thing in the form of volunteering, which would have been an awesome addition to my resume A YEAR AGO had I had the fortitude to get off my ass and do something back then.

To add to my discontent, in the last few weeks, I have actually been venturing out of the house to interact with other people multiple days in a row (GASP!!), INCLUDING an actual date... or, at least I think it was a date... with a person of the opposite sex (DOUBLE GASP!!!!).  While you may think this is probably a good thing for someone whose isolation has been chipping away at her social skills for 52 weeks and counting, I had a bout of "holy-shit-I-am-a-total-loser-and-don't-want-to-talk-to-anyone-much-less-a-boy-who-may-or-may-not-have-asked-me-out-on-a-date" syndrome when I was finally faced with the prospect of owning up to the fact that I'm in my late 20's, unemployed, and live with my mother to someone who isn't obligated to be nice to me because of blood ties or years and years of putting up with me friendship.  Am I aware that that last sentence was like the longest sentence ever?  Yes, I am aware of that.

To remedy this problem, I have decided that since the economy is not allowing me to even apply for a damn job at this time, I will just have to be creative.  Unemployed??  I don't think so!!  The following is my list of job titles I will henceforth be choosing from when someone asks me that age-old, annoying, obligatory question: "So, what do you do?"

1. Sassy Blogger

DUH!  Even though I have no ads posted on my blog, nor would I make any money from them if they were actually present, I can still write this off as an occupation insofar as it takes up hours and hours of my time when I actually update it.  Besides, most people don't really know anything about blogs, so they might mistake me for an actual writer or "journalist" if I'm misleading enough when I talk about it.  Surely the social commentary that is provided at Bianca and the B-Sides is VH1 E! Entertainment whatever channel shows Flavor of Love CNN worthy, isn't it?!?

Perez Hilton?  Eat your heart out!

2. TV, Movie, and Music Critic

As an official employee of Netflix, iTunes, and all the major TV networks (including Bravo and SyFy), I am paid to watch all of their relevant programming and provide them feedback.  My job description includes sitting on my ass watching Dawson's Creek Xena: Warrior Princess Friends really cool and not at all embarrassing shows on Netflix Instant Queue and providing "member reviews" that everyone likes to read before they rent.  I also am in charge of downloading music from the 80's and 90's to contribute to various artists' comeback-reunion-no-one-gives-a-shit-anymore tours of casinos across the country, including the likes of Extreme, Poison, and MC Hammer.

They don't call me a trendsetter for nothin'!

3. Stay-At-Home-Mom

Come on, what am I going to do, leave my son here to rot away all day by himself??!

Yep, I taught him those manners.  Laying spread eagle on the bed is ALWAYS acceptable behavior.

Look at all the trouble he gets into when he thinks I'm not around:

Eating books.

FYI, I just got a PTSD flashback from that Analogy page.  Piss off, GRE!!
Knocking over knick-knacks.
Drinking beer.

Clearly, this little guy needs some adult supervision.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a noble and sometimes thankless profession, but I am prepared to do it.

4. "Struggling Writer"

If by "struggling", you mean "not writing anything", then this would be an appropriate job title.  Enough said.

5. Escort

Unemployment allows me to be available to everyone at all times, whether it be in the middle of the day, a weekday, or a Saturday night!  Have a free night of the weekend, and don't want to feel like a loser?  Call Bianca!  Got a coupon for IHOP that you've been dying to use, but none of your friends are classless enough to like IHOP?  There's always Bianca!!  

I can't guarantee that your escort will always be 100% sober during your chosen activity, but rest assured, when you need someone in a hurry, Bianca will be there!

6.  Professionally Awesome

While I feel this does not even need explanation, I'll provide one anyway.  Being professionally awesome means that you don't NEED to actually lift a finger to contribute to society; my presence alone is contribution enough.  While many people in this world are overachievers and choose to be awesome AND contribute to the world in some other productive fashion (i.e., office work, philanthropy, or prostitution), I would like to think I am just SO awesome that these extracurriculars would be overkill.

Editor's Note: Just kidding.  

Editor's Second Note:  Seriously.  I'm just kidding.

To illustrate the extent of my awesomeness, I would like to share with you all a song I have composed.  If this doesn't convince you, I don't know what will!  Please sing the following to the tune of that classic 80's tune, "Ghostbusters":

When you want a drink, but there's no one home
Who you gonna call?

When you need coffee, with some extra foam
Who you gonna call?

(musical intermission)
I ain't a loser no mo'
I ain't a loser no mo'

When you're seeing things, running through your head
Who you gonna call?

When you need to prove, that you got street cred
Who you gonna call?

There, now that I have some pre-conceived lies in place about my chosen occupation, I am ready for anything!  Social interaction, HERE WE COME!!!!



Meri said...

Haha- your teeth are just "pinging" with awesomeness!
Look at you- a single mom who juggles all of these jobs? Um, sounds like you need a vacation! In Minneapolis!
muah ha ha

Sara said...

This post is hilarious! I especially like your Netflix Top Picks for You. I think we might need to sound the Nerd Alert horn. ;)

Anonymous said...

This is so funny! And the stay at home mom part was cute. I mean, my cat (now passed) used to sit upright and stare at the world spread eagle. It was hilarious. This reminded me of it. :)

Jess said...

Oh my god you are hilarious!I may have to steal some of those "occupations"if I ever get out, socialize and have to tell people what I do... you know besides take care of a toddler.
Great post!

The General said...

You are totally professionally awesome! You don't need to prove it to anyone. How did the date go?