Tuesday, March 1, 2011

An Attempt at Reverse Psychology: Why Minnesota Winters are GREAT!

Sorry for the delay in posting, folks, but my Chrome browser and Blogger were going through a bit of a rough patch in their relationship that resulted in Blogger punching Chrome in the face every time I signed on!  Hence the extremely boring and lazy post from yesterday, which took me like an hour just to publish because my other browser is hella slow and useless.  I know you are all riveted by this explanation, but my brain may be a little mushy at this point from the influx of foul-mood I've been suffering from lately.  Care to know why?  I shall enlighten you!

As I am speaking to you now, this is the weather forecast:

HELL.

Please note the negative sign under today's low.  Who the hell decided it was a good idea to settle in this God-forsaken state?!??  WHY DOESN'T IT STOP SNOWING!!?!  My favorite is when it warms up enough where you think spring is nigh, but then the temperature quickly plunges back down to 0 while God laughs in your face for being so stupid as to think this frozen-over Hell was finally going to thaw.

As you can see, I'm in good spirits today, as always.  So I decided that in the spirit of "thought-stopping" or whatever psycho-babble bullshit it is that says thoughts can change your attitude, I'm going to try a little reverse psychology on this winter shit.  Maybe then it won't seem like such a burden to have to put on a jacket and go outside to get cat food.  Because honestly, at this point I'm almost willing to open a can of tuna instead of getting off my ass, even though my kitty gets the serious barfies from tuna.  UGH.

So here it is, my attempt at reverse psychology:

TOTALLY AWESOME THINGS ABOUT MINNESOTA WINTERS:


1.  No one can blame me for looking like crap.


Now you tell me, if it were 0 degrees outside and you had to wear a hat on your head or your ears would fall off, would you bother putting significant time into your hair in the morning?  I don't think so!  When the winter months arrive, I walk around looking like Charlie Sheen, minus the self-righteousness and nonsense syllables, and I don't mind one bit.

Since I only have one pair of skinny jeans that don't cut off my circulation, I'm forced to wear pretty much the same outfit everyday since you can't walk outside without Uggs/fuzzy boots/snowshoes on.  And since I have to wear a bulking jacket around everywhere, I don't particularly care which of my many tattered sweatshirts I put on underneath since no one can see it.  My legs look like a wooly mammoth's, which is necessary so that my appendages stay warm during the cold winter months.  Without a man to hold me accountable, I'm going to stick by that argument until I die.

The walk of shame.

Yes, if there was ever a time when one could look like crap and absolutely should receive NO judgment from anyone else, it's during a harsh Minnesota winter.

2.  I don't have to feel guilty about not leaving the house.


Okay, so my social life has been in near ruins lately, and with my unemployment status that just continues to drag on and on I can't really afford to do anything anyway.  So while I feel that that entitles me to a little leeway in the social-skill department anyway, winter is just an added layer of reasoning to justify my desire to sit in front of my TV all day long.  Between the dry winter air, driving through blizzards, and having my breath taken away by a frigid gust of wind, I don't know that Jesus Christ himself would stay outside for long.

With the invention of Netflix Instant Queue, I have the added bonus of not even having to exit my home to get the mail anymore for my desired movie rentals.  No siree, all I have to do is click on what I want and presto!  A whole day's worth of entertainment just waiting at my fingertips.  In the summer I feel guilty about such behavior, but when there are sub-zero temperatures outside, I just dare anyone to say anything.

3. Hockey season!


This year, I have discovered the joys of hockey (which, admittedly, I should have probably discovered earlier considering I live in the "state of hockey" or whatever.).  My new love for the sport was the product of a very meticulous decision process (which might warrant a blog post on its own), but it has sparked a love affair that I can't even describe.

I mean, seriously, where can you find this:

My future husband, Martin Havlat of the Minnesota Wild.
Just pretend that mullet isn't there.

And this (skip to the 1:40 mark to witness the most deliciously bloody fight in slow motion!):





All in the same game?!!?

Editor's Note:  Could there be a greater last name than "Stoner"?  I think not.


There's something really hot about attractive (albeit sometimes toothless) men settling things old-school with a good punch in the face.  It warms my heart even more if there's blood involved, or if someone I really hate is getting their ass beaten (THAT MEANS YOU, JODY SHELLEY!!).

Now, hockey season lasts forever, so we'll see if the love still lasts even when the snow melts.  With Martin Havlat around, I am thinking it will.

4.  The glorious day of my birth!


I welcome my birthday every January, but only because I usually take the opportunity to get hammered, not because turning another year older is fun in the slightest.  As I have aged, I've found that I need a reason to drink copious amounts of alcohol because otherwise I feel like one of those pathetic older women you see at the bar stumbling around like a jackass... The ones where you think, "God, I hope I'm not like that when I'm her age."  I reserve that kind of sloppiness for my basement unless a really special occasion draws me out into the open.  You know, like my birthday.

Radioactive wine for any occasion!

Or St. Patrick's Day.

Luck of the Irish!

Or Valentine's Day.

Or, as I like to say, "VD", because that sounds so dirty.  Rawr.

Or Tuesday.

She needs a new hairstylist.

Or...

Well, you get the idea.

So here's hoping for a better attitude as the winter continues to drag on and on and on and on and on...

~Bi~

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the idea about the workbook. I actually already own it :) Take care and don't let those winters get to you.

Meri said...

haha, I laughed out loud at the hockey sequence. God, why won't this winter die? I don't think january is the worst month like everyone says, I think february or march is the worst, because you JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER.
Today was hella windy too. Yikes.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

You could just move to Florida with me, ya know.

I do take every time it dips below 70 to not shave though. Sexxah. Also, to drink.

Lorraine

Anonymous said...

Actually yeah... LOL I have that book! (Anxiety/phobia workbook) but thanks for the recommend!

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