Monday, March 14, 2011

The Best Weekends Involve Fluorescent Shoes and Reality TV.

Good day, my bloggy friends!  Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend filled with libations and good cheer!  I went bowling for the first time in years on Friday night, complete with some awesome fluorescent footwear that I forgot to take a picture of.

'Twas a weekend of firsts in many ways, beginning with the first time I have ever had to wear MEN'S shoes!  They were a size 5 1/2, which I'm guessing isn't exactly a popular shoe size among the men-folk, but I still thought it was pretty cool.  I immediately felt like people were looking up to me and respecting me more, and I am pretty sure I got paid an extra $1/hour!  Or at least I would have if I had been paid to be there.  Ahem.

Editor's Note:  Please excuse the latent feminism there, I just watched my fave, Gloria Steinem, on Bill Maher and I am in that whole "bra-burning" mood, ifyaknowwhatImean.

Then, I hit a whole new record for bowling awesomeness in the world of Bi, as pictured here:

I know you all wish you had my skillz.

B-Dawg is one bad-ass bitch!  I went on a pretty bad downward spiral once the next game began, but whatevs.  Without photographic evidence, it didn't happen. (KT BALLER, YOU BETTER NOT SHARE THAT PHOTO YOU TOOK!  Ahem.)

On a different note, I had to laugh this week when I watched a rerun of a reality show on Syfy called "Face Off".  For those of you unfamiliar with this show, it features makeup artists who have a different challenge every week, whether it be constructing the perfect alien, horror movie character, or a "gender swap", as they say in the trade (i.e., turning a dude into a lady, or vice versa.).  This show is tres amusing, as you will soon see!

Editor's Note:  I know nothing of makeup artistry.  In fact, I hardly wear makeup on a daily basis (due to pure laziness).  So, when I make fun of these looks, please don't take offense, as I have no idea what I am talking about.  Word.

This past week, the contestants' challenge was to "disguise" themselves in an attempt to fool a loved one who unknowingly interacts with them in a wig shop.  The goal was to conduct a transaction with said loved one without them guessing who they were, so the contestants really pulled out all the stops.  Among the notable character transformations, this one made me laugh extremely hard:

Handsome gay man turned Big Mama with a failed face lift!
Also, it does not escape my attention that I am looking at her breasts in this picture...
Just pretend I'm a guy and that speech bubble will still make sense.

What in the hell would you think if you saw this "woman" working at a wig shop??  I would think, "please give me the number of your plastic surgeon so I can report them to their respective authorities because it looks as though your face is melting off your head.  Perhaps next time you should invest in some dental work, or some contact lenses, or even a ski mask!  And, by the way, I don't want your help in finding a wig, since you are clearly not skilled in that demonstrated by that dead Yorkshire terrier that is currently sitting on your head."

The contestant is surely not recognizable, but for God's sake, he looks like something out of a horror movie!!  And what happened to his/her neck?!!?

Perhaps she was strangled by our next contestant:

Nice guy turned... um... gothic zombie?
That's supposed to be me cowering under a blanket in the corner, FYI.

This is Tate, who turned himself into this creepy, mouth-breathing ghoul of a man to fool his significant other.  His partner politely looked away whenever she had the misfortune of making eye contact with this guy's one non-wandering eye.  I, however, would go running for the hills!  He looks like something out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, or Night of the Living Dead, or Jersey Shore!  If I wanted to see someone with googly eyes and a bad makeup job, I'd just turn on E! Entertainment in time to catch a glimpse of Bethenny Frankel.

While I appreciate the severity of his transformation, again I wonder.. How many people in the world look like this??!?  Even Quasimodo wasn't that bad.

Ain't that the truth!

I would highly recommend you watch this show, it makes me laugh every week.  Sadly, the girl with the extremely weird bangs and the creepiest laugh I've ever heard just got kicked off, so you may have to catch repeats to see what I mean.

Oh, that's mean.  Mean Bi!

But you have to admit, those are some fucked up bangs.

That's all I have for you today!



Stephanie said... would SMOKE me in bowling. I love your little character drawings! Hah. Too cute..I mean....bad.ass. :)

Kate Weber said...

Basically this whole post had me giggling all the way through. I haven't seen face off but it looks so fun. I'm sure I would love it!

And great job at bowling! I don't think I've ever scored over 100. Fail.

Francesca said...

nice bowling score ;) and funny post! You have a great blog! x

ShellyTalks said...

That goth zombie is intense. How did he get one eye to look up like that?

This could be a good idea for Halloween!

Meri said...

hahaha- that reminds me of zoolander when they change their makeup to break "into" the computer :)

Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

Even though i suck hard at bowling, I've had a strange urge to go and do it. But that's an awesome score you've got there! Face off? That sounds nice, I've got to check that out. Wow, that make-up job on the handsome gay man has failed. He doesn't look like a big momma but more like that werewolf from Silver Bullet, you know in mid-transformation (look up the picture and tell me if i'm wrong). As always, funny and solid post! :)

theTsaritsa said...

Those bangs are weird! haha and oh man, before I read the text I thought those were people who actually got surgery to look like that! I was scared for a second!

Great bowling score, and I love Steinem! And Bill Maher! *swoon*

THUNDERCAT832 said...

I swear on my life, the guy in the "black chick" get-up looks JUST LIKE my next door neighbor! I laughed till I puked!!!

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Nicki said...

I am never going bowling with you. Ever. =)

Christianna said...

Wow, I've never heard of that show, but it looks amazing! And that Disney quote had me laughing! Thanks for the the great comment! Meri is amazing! And I started following you from her blog too, and I guess I was gonna turn into that creeper you mentioned, on accident. So here's my comment...

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