Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Jersey Bump and Other Mating Rituals

Hello!  You'll be happy to know that I am in a much happier mood than I was in my last post, and I think the bitter complaining and whining that has plagued my recent conversation has finally come to an end.  Why, you ask?  Well, I had a wonderful weekend filled with good friends, even better booze, and cute boys:

Yummy!  Even when they are losing their asses.
I may or may not have had some actual interaction with a boy over the weekend as well, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention him in tandem with my comment on "cute boys", since I'm fairly certain he reads this blog at least semi-regularly.  Ahem.

Anyway, a previous encounter with said man was the inspiration behind this post, which I meant to post BEFORE my soiree with the Minnesota Wild, but as mentioned before, with the click of a mouse the entry disappeared before my very eyes!  So here's the best recollection I can do:

While these occurrences are few and far between, I have been forced to finally admit that sometimes, men actually are pretty astute observers about certain things. The other day, I was talking to this friend who happens to have a penis, and he said something that actually got me thinking.  I believe the conversation went something like this:

Me: Pretty sure I'll be looking like shit on Saturday because I will have attended a sporting event, at which I will be wearing the apparel of Minnesota's losing hockey team!  (or something like that)

Penis:  Ah, that's no problem, then you'll have the "jersey bump".

Me:  WTF is a jersey bump?

Penis:  My guy friends and I have observed that women automatically look more attractive when they are at a sporting event and are wearing team apparel.  It turns a woman who would naturally be a 10 into an 11.  
(Obviously he was talking about yours truly.  Ahem.) 

Perhaps this was a universal concept that everyone knew about, but this was rather eye-opening for me.  An article of clothing that automatically makes one more attractive, simply based on the setting?  Holy shit, I've been missing out on a goldmine for my entire life!  Fooling the opposite sex is even easier than I thought!

Then I began to think about whether or not the same was true for men.. Could it be that one thing can turn an otherwise unfortunate-looking troll into that hottie from CSI: Miami?  (seriously, you NEED to click that link.) I mean, look at Mick Jagger...  Women love him, and his face looks like it has been run over by a truck too many times to count!  So here's what I came up with:

1. The Musical Instrument Bump (minus a recorder, kazoo, or flute).

Editor's Note:  You wouldn't think that the recorder comment would even come into play here, but those of you who are familiar with my flamer brother and his obnoxious partner have heard my tales of woe as said obnoxious partner molests my ear drums with an actual RECORDER when he visits.  Yes, some people evidently DO play these musical instruments past the age of six.  TOTALLY UNATTRACTIVE.

I think it's pretty well universal that men who play instruments are HAWT.  I believe I touched on this in this post in my discussion of my love for G. Love and his harmonicas and whatnot.  This also explains women's love for such unfortunate looking men as Mick Jagger (pictured below), Noel Gallagher, or Steven Tyler, all of whom would be some fugly, creepy old men without the aid of a guitar or two.

Um, really?  Looks like Donkey in Shrek, if you ask me.

2. The Accent Bump 


The accent has the power to distort one's sentences into something automatically hot, no matter what it is.

Perfect example:  Russell Brand.
In the words of Ty on Clueless, "Ooooh baby, break me off a piece of that!"
Even though I think Russell Brand is one of the most unfortunate looking men in Hollywood, not to mention says some of the dumbest things I've ever heard, there's just something about him that's kind of attractive due to his working class British accent.

Obvious exceptions to this rule include the "Minnesotan" accent, which is probably pretty rude of considering I'm sure I have that particular blessing...  Also, Canadians.  They sound too much like Minnesotans.

Well, nevermind abooot the Canadian.  I guess it's kind of cute, especially when coming from this guy:

He plays for Minnesota now.  Still Canadian, though.  SIGH.
3. The Macho Bump

A little scrawny for my taste, but the blood does add a little something.
While I generally frown upon fighting as something extremely stupid that men do sometimes, even I have to admit that fisticuffs make a man infinitely more attractive.  Except if they get their ass kicked.  Then I guess they get the "Pity Bump".

I won't mention hockey again, but I'm sure the connection here will not go unnoticed.

Couldn't resist.
4. The Suit Bump

Come on, even Dwight's pretty hawt in a suit.

5. The Stupid Tee-Shirt Bump


Ha!  Just kidding.

No, seriously.  Just kidding.

To the single digit number of men who read this blog: DON'T WEAR THESE.  Period.  They automatically make you a d-bag.

That's all I could come up with for now, but I am interested to hear what other ideas you all may have.  If there are any boys out there, I would be especially intrigued to hear of more of these situations where attractiveness is augmented by something presumably... um... unimportant.

Also, just to test the theory, here's a picture of myself in my Wild glory for you all to enjoy.  I even included my friend Allie, since she told me over the weekend that she never reads my blog and HATES pictures, thereby making my inclusion of this picture particularly amusing for me:

Allie, if you're reading, just say the word and the picture is gone! 

Hope you all had a great weekend!



Coyote Rose said...

So when i saw the title and the picture of hockey players (i love my some hockey players even if most of them are foreign and missing teeth) I totally thought this post would be about the Jersey Devils. I got all excited. Damn you Bi!

Also i have to add uniforms to this list. Military uniforms, cop uniforms, firefighter, etc. You get my drift. *drools*

Bi said...

Haha, sorry!! Not a huge Devils fan, so I don't have much to say about them... But I hope the rest didn't disappoint!

Also, uniforms was totally in my first post, I forgot to add it this time! ARGH!

Christianna said...

Oh man, I am totally there with you on the counts of musician bump and accent bump, so hot! I also kinda have a thing for the geek bump, I mean a guy who wears a star wars or superhero shirt is a weakness for me... just saying!

theTsaritsa said...

I never heard of the "jersey bump" but I was relieved when I realized you weren't making a Jersey Shore reference (the jersey bump sounds like a hairdo)! It's funny that men think like that, but we do have our own versions of it. The accent bump is totally true!!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I agree with the uniform bump. I also have to say that despite the bumps all these men in your post get, I consider most of them pretty unattractive still. Maybe I'm a tad bump immune. :(


Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

You know Bianca, I'd date you 2 times and than date you a few more times. It's that shirt you are wearing...there is something about it. The Penis was right! ;p

collinwho said...

Whoever presented you the concept of the jersey bump must be a true genius. Well liked by everyone around him. Intuitive almost to a fault. Capable of entertaining groups of people without using a single word. His friends probably live vicariously through him, and his parents probably look up to him. His name is legend and his voice majestic, even to those that have never heard him. Also, he is probably well above average in the bedroom.

In other words, the guy sounds like a total dick.

Bi said...

@Christianna: Oooh, the geek bump! Totally! Though I go for more of the "Chuck" variety, which might be more "nerd bump".

@Tsarita: Haha, that's true, "Jersey bump" is a pretty appropriate term for Snookie's hairdo!

@Lor: Don't worry, I don't really find them that attractive either. But, can you imagine how unattractive they would be if they didn't have their respective "bumps"??!

@Johnny: You shouldn't stroke the penis' ego like that, as evidenced by his comment below you. Haha!

@Collin: I think your last sentence about sums it up. Not sure about the ones above it. ;)

ShellyTalks said...

God that picture of Mick Jagger is going to haunt my dreams.

Nicki said...


Anonymous said...

LOL @ most unfortunate looking men in hollywood quote! And yes the accent thing is one of my weaknesses! Except for french accents.