Monday, April 18, 2011

Nightmare on Sesame Street (Or, The Worst Job Interview EVAH!)

Good morning, my dears!  Welcome again to another edition of "My Life Sucks But It's Pretty Funny What Stupid Shit Happens To Me", as narrated by Yours Truly.  I hope you all had a wonderful week, one that was not filled with the anxiety and dread that mine was!

Why, you ask?  Because I had quite possibly the WORST job interview one could imagine last week.  While interviews are horrible to begin with, this one is particularly awful, for several reasons. (Just a warning, there are going to be a lot of lists in this post.  Because it was just that damn awful.)

Editor's Note:  I know this whole post is going to make me sound like a gigantic bitch, but I have never pretended to be a kids-person.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with kids, it's just that I am socially inept when it comes to talking to teenagers.  So please, if you have children or love children or whatever, don't take offense.  And don't worry, I have no children of my own to corrupt, nor is such a thing imminent in the foreseeable future.  Thank God.

First, let me tell you about this job.  Technically, it's a "mental health practitioner" position, where you're responsible for teaching kids "social skills", but really it's just a glorified taxi driver/babysitter for kids with emotional problems at an after-school program.  So, with this in mind, right away we know the following:

1. The pay absolutely sucks.
2. The hours absolutely suck.
3. The JOB absolutely sucks.

And, just as I suspected before even going to the interview, all of the aforementioned perks are, indeed, true. Particularly #1.  But then, you don't go into mental health if you want to make a lot of money, AND I've been unemployed for over a year, so I probably should get my nose out of the air, right?!

So I go to the interview with a man named Mike, even though I pretty much already know that this isn't the job for me.  Before I leave, Mike tells me that one of three things will happen:

1. Mike will call me with a job offer!  YIPPEEEEEEEE!  (that's sarcasm, by the way)
2. Mike will call me with a job rejection!  YIIIPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  (NOT sarcasm.)
3. If Mike is having difficulty deciding between two candidates, he will call me and tell me to come in for an "interactive" job interview, wherein I come meet the kids and make an ass out of myself so he can see how I would be at the job.  What's the opposite of YIPPEEEEEE?  Kill me now, I think.

I go home and think to myself, "Uhh, the worst thing that could possibly happen to me, EVEN WORSE than not getting the job, would be option 3!"  I promptly got down on my knees and prayed to God (not really) that whatever happened, DON'T let option 3 plague my life.  PULEEEEZ.  Not option 3!!

The following week, my phone rings, and like any self-respecting unemployed loser, I let it go to voicemail.  (Of course I have more important things to do than answer phone calls from potential employers.  DUH.)  It is Mike's angelic voice on the phone, and what do you think he said?

Yep, option 3.  FML.

So I brace myself for one of the most humiliating and awkward situations imaginable.  Sadly, this is not the first one of these interviews I have had the pleasure of attending, so I knew firsthand what horror awaited me on Monday.

Now Mike had told me to dress "casually", which you never really know how to take from employers.  I mean, my idea of "casual" is lounging around in my fat pants that have a hole in the ass, and I was pretty sure that's not what Mike had in mind.  So I went with a tastefully "casual" shirt and jeans:

Kids love me!

When I arrive, I am greeted by a young lady around the age of 12 with this look plastered on her face:

F-you.  Yeah, that's right.
"And YOU are?" She says in her baby-diva voice.

Mike looks awkwardly at her.  Then looks awkwardly at me.  I wonder to myself how this man is qualified to teach social skills to young children.  I tell her my name and why I was there, and she continues to stare at me.  She turned to Mike and said, "Is she the one you liked?"... More awkwardness.

Mike promptly disappears, and leaves me there surrounded by the devil spawn and her minions with no direction at all as to what I was supposed to be doing.  So, I sit down at the table with Devil Spawn, who is glaring at me as if I stole her favorite Lisa Frank notebook.

She says to me:

I hate you.

Dumbfounded Bianca.  I thought they were supposed to be learning social skills?
Really not sure why she knows that.
So within moments of my entering this facility, we know the following:

1. Da kid's a bitch!
2. Mike has NO boundaries whatsoever.  I'm surprised he just didn't have the kids sit in on the interview!
3. I hate children.  I KNEW IT.

The next two hours were similarly awkward, complete with Devil Spawn rolling her eyes only about two hundred times at me, while her minions ran around and ignored me.  Except for one kid...

My hero!!!

I think he felt sorry for me.  He played a card game with me during the free time and jabbered on about his family.  Had he not done that, Devil Spawn probably would probably have chased me around until I cowered in the corner and wept.

But, the best part of the night by far was mealtime, which was the ultimate peak in awkwardness and humiliation.

Just a quick fact about me: I HATE EATING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

It's uncomfortable.  I'm a clumsy oaf, so I spill on myself all of the time.  Of COURSE someone always has to ask me a question or say something to me while my mouth is full of food, and if I make it through the reply without something flying out and bludgeoning the other person, I consider the interaction to be a small victory. You can imagine my anxiety over eating food in front of these little turds, and to make matters worse, the meal of the night was:

Mexican feast.

If I had to choose one meal I would not want to eat in a situation such as this one, pretty sure tacos tops the list.

To conquer my anxiety, I decided the best thing to do was to eat next to nothing, so there would be little chance of spilling on my "not-so-casual" shirt.  I tried to fold my taco in a special way so as to minimize the amount of head turning that was necessary to consume my plain tortilla taco.  I made sure to time my bites while some kid was talking so there would be zero chance that I would be interrupted with a question.  I was so intent on orchestrating the eating just so that I'm pretty sure I must have looked like one of the kids who was actually referred there for social-skills-training.

Total idiot?  Yeah, pretty much.

After the meal, I thought my head was going to explode from sheer embarrassment, so I took my leave.  Then, two days later, I promptly received my rejection from the job (via voicemail, might I add!)

Am I sad?  HELL NO.  I actually lost sleep Tuesday night thinking about how I could justify not taking a job after being unemployed for over a year, in case Mike was stupid enough to offer it to me.  I was all set to tell him I had an incurable flesh-eating bacteria and I didn't want to infect the kids.  IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS!!!

So what have I learned?

1. I shouldn't ever work with kids.  Ever.
2. Never wear a green sweater and dark jeans when you're supposed to be dressed "casually".
3. I might need some training on social skills, too.  Seriously.

Peace out!



Stephanie said...

Haha. That actually sounds like a dream job for me. No joke. But that's exactly why you should have rejected the job. Those kids need to be around an adult that WANTS to be there and you should be doing what you WANT to do. Some people are meant to work and be around children and others are not! At least you know where you're at on that one!

Anonymous said...

ahaaaa. I loved the illustrations with this! I could never work with children, they are just waaaay too annoying and smaart!! there will be other jobs... hopefully sooon :)

Christine said...

I think the worst food to eat in that situation might have been spaghetti. Tacos are bad...but having to twirl the noodles around your fork and eat them without noodles hanging out of your mouth or getting sauce on your shirt? IMPOSSIBLE.

Emmy said...

That's HILARIOUS! I'm pretty sure one of my 7th graders gives me that look EVERYDAY.

Lauren said...

I once made the mistake of not letting a rejection call go to voicemail... and the person clearly didn't know how to handle such a call... Most awkward conversation ever:
Okay, well thanks for the interview opportunity...
Oh umm yeah, sure.
Right. Bye.

Bi said...

@Stephanie: You're exactly right!! Haha, the idea of me working in that type of job is laughable, at best.

@nadiine: Word. Those kids in particular seemed to have what they call an "attitude problem", ha!

@Christine: Oh ugh, you are so right! At least I dodged a bullet with that one!

@Emmy: Hahahaha, lucky you!!! Kids are quite adept at making you feel extraordinarily uncool!

@Lauren: Hahaha, I've had a few of those myself!! I love it when you have to act all grateful when you really just want to say, "Sorry I wasted my time. Thanks for nothing, asshole!!" ;)

Liddy said...

What a terrifying age group to be put in charge of, or to even have to interact with for any amount of time. I like kids before they get into the school system, where their peers brainwash them and undo all of the thoughtful social and ethical training the parents worked so hard to instill in them in the beginning. Adding the component of "lacking social skills" even more than a NORMAL 12 year old, and I'm out. That's Lord of the Flies just waiting to happen.

beanditch said...


Okay, sorry. Didn't mean to scream at you. Ugh, it's just so awkward. Hooray for social anxieties! -_-

Melbourne on my mind said...

Yes! Eating in front of people is the WORST. I tend to cover my mouth with my hand while I'm chewing... And at least they were soft tacos (I'm assuming, if you could fold them) and not the hard ones that break and drop their contents in your lap while simultaneously stabbing you in the roof of your mouth!

That kid definitely sounds like she was sent by the Devil. It used to be that 15 was the bitchiest age. Seems like they're getting younger and younger these days (she says, reaching for her Zimmer frame)!! ;)

Anonymous said...

You are so funny. And I hate children so don't feel shame there. I hate children and I've had 4 jobs working with them. That just goes to show you all the holes in societies judgment there are. Anyway, don't worry, the right job will come and DON'T take a job you will want to kill yourself (or the innocent bystanders involved) at just because you've been unemployed for a year!

Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Bianca and the B-sides should be a TV show, or an Internet series at the least. You are funny as hell! Haven't laughed this hard since my last massive depression (that was 2 weeks ago). I would totally buy a book and an audio book, written and spoken by you. It'll be hilarious! I have no blog awards to give away so, I'll just give you two thumbs up! ;) Keep writing!

Apfel said...

1. I feel sorry for you.
2. I hate eating in front of people too
3. Tacos are my enemy in such situations too!
4. I am so glad you saved yourself from the torment you would go through if you did get that job.

Stephanie said...

Shit. That really sucks. You know, kids can be difficult. Not everyone should deal with them, especially ones with isues. And that's ocming from a mother, so don't feel bad!
ps, it works so wonderful if you let people know "I eat like a starving dog, so don't forget th dodge the food.". People tend to watch out. =D

Jen said...

Fat pants for life! Thanks for the good laugh, Bi!