Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Who Knew Waiting for the Cable Guy Could Be So Productive?

As I sit here, I am waiting for the cable guy to grace us with his presence so he can fix our overpriced and underfunctioning cable box.  The other night, I was sitting there watching Dancing with the Stars minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the screen goes black!  AND DOESN'T COME BACK!!!  Oh ye Gods, why?!  WHY?!!  So of course, in a fit of hysteria, I called the cable company and wept demanded a solution, which comes in the form of a middle-aged man with dirty boots and buck teeth sometime between 1 and 3pm.  What an excellent excuse to write up a meaningless blog post!

Editor's Note:  I would like to point out that craziness is, in fact, genetic, as my mother is currently playing a movie she had Tivoed and recording it on the VCR while she's at work, just in case we need a new cable box and her programs all disappear.  We definitely have our priorities in order, don't we?


Speaking of television, I've really been digging all these new shows that have shown up On Demand on all those naughty cable networks, like Showtime and Starz.  On Sunday, I watched the beginning of Showtime's The Borgias, which seems like it's going to be just my kind of show:  Blood, violence, Popes, big dresses, and reasonably nice looking men... Plus, Jeremy Irons!  Come on, who doesn't LOVE Jeremy Irons??!

That is what he looks like, isn't it??

Last night, I watched the excitement of Camelot on Starz, which is like "Merlin", but sluttier!  Plus Joseph Fiennes is in it from Shakespeare in Love fame, and even though the look on his face always spells "I shit myself", he's still not bad to look at.

A modern-day Shakespeare, Bi is.
Here is an excerpt from a text conversation I had with my brother, Ryan, about it:

Me: Are you watching Camelot on Starz?
(Do you see how many plugs Starz is getting on this post?
STARZ!  STARZ!  STARZ!!)

Ry:  No, should I?

Me: Yeah, I like it!  It's very bloody and over the top!  AND SLUTTY!!

Ry: Is there nudity?  If not, forget it.

Me: Yeah, I just saw Morgan's titties!

Ry: Hmm, not exactly what I'm looking for.  I prefer Arthur's crown jewels.
(FYI, Ryan's gay as gay can be.  Just in case you didn't know.)

Me: Eeew, that's inappropriate to tell your sister!

Ry:  Okay, I'm going to bed now to dream of titties.  Good night!

And speaking of titties, I was nearly sexually assaulted while visiting my Pops at the VA Medical Center today!  There's this man who is always wandering around and clapping his hands, and sometimes he mumbles things that progressively turn into unintelligible shrieks.  We'll call him Scotty.  

Well, today Scotty was on his hand clapping quest through the dining room, and he wandered straight over to yours truly, who was chillin' with Daddy-O on the couch.  Scotty comes nearer, and I can see some mischief sparkling in his half-closed eyeballs.  Then I see his gnarled hand reach closer.. and closer... until it almost touches MY titty!!!

Oh my!  Down Scotty!
I quickly shushed him away, but not before I saw this familiar look on my dad's face:

Why I oughta!!!
It's nice to know my dad still always has my back!  By the way, that picture is supposed to be him looking really angry, not him fist pumping with a pleasant, alcohol-induced flush.

Anyway, I am pretty sure I see the cable guy lurking around the house somewhere, so I'm going to go get my life the cable back in order.  Ahem.

~Bi~

12 comments:

Meri said...

Hmmm, I thought that the Borgias looked interesting- next time I'm at the 'rents house I'll have to have a marathon and watch their on demand.
sorry you got attacked by the geez. I feel like I should have been there to fight him off/ tear his balls off?
"kidding"

plans the saturday before easter (like the day before)? want to dye some eggs at my house (and when I say my house, I mean my parents house, and I'm not having a party, it will just be... me...)

Bi said...

Hahaha, I'd give anything to see you tear someone's balls off, Meri!!!

OMG, dying Easter eggs sound so fricking fun, but I'll actually be in Florida for Easter weekend!! Arghhhhhhh! But can we dye Easter eggs a different time? Even if it isn't Easter anymore???

Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

Hahahaha, that Joseph Fiennes pic! Excellent. Bianca is back!

Sara said...

a pleasant alcohol-induced flush

LOLOLOL

I love you, Bi

Lauren said...

When I can't watch TV I practically die. My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

I wish we had starz now!! If I had nooo TV I would cry :( aha. xx
ooo and p.s. I have a giveaway happening on my blog! Would love for you to join in!

Liddy said...

I am terribly sorry about your brush with near titty-peril, my titties sympathize. Plus, titties is a hiarious word. Titties.

Stephanie said...

Sounds like a good time! Minus the missing cable and the titty grabber. Knowing me, I would've slapped him and asked what the hell his issue was. You're clearly a stronger woman than I am! =D

I'm glad you got your life *ahem* CABLE back. God knows I love a good dance show... and titties.

Nicki said...

I just want Jeremy Irons to follow me around and narrate my every day life.

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Apfel said...

Omg this one man tried to touch my boobs the one and only time I traveled by a local bus, and I did not intend this but I caught his hand which was trying to reach me and my reflexes were so quick that I stood up (I was sitting and he was standing next to me) and slapped him right across his face. Next thing I know the other people in the bus are hitting him with shoes and stuff, what a fun day!

Anonymous said...

That's so funny. And Starz has definitely taken over HBO's slot in the great television shows category with all their new shows. Look up the two Sparticus shows, Blood and Sand and Gods of the Arena. AMAZING! And full frontal for both genders and tons of blood. LOVE IT!