Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Dear Blog Readers: I NEED HELP!

Okay, I really hate it when people say this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Happy Hump Day, y'all!!!

Editor's Note: Who the hell came up with the term "Hump Day"?!!  While I enjoy a good hump as much as anyone, I don't particularly need to have that word exiting the mouths of smiling, toothless, middle-aged men who ring me up at the grocery store.  It's gross. 

**No disrespect to aging, toothless men intended.  Ahem.**

So I need some advice on social etiquette, people.  I know, I know, it's hard to believe that a socialite like myself would need advice on such matters, but I dun got myself in a pickle and I don't know how to get out of it!

Basically, I need to know a nice way to tell a pathetic and annoying young man to STFU and stop texting me inane and useless things.  Preferably without ever having to meet up face to face.  Contrary to what this blog might suggest about my personality, I don't particularly like it when people think I'm a huge asshole, so I would like for the both of us to emerge from this interaction unscathed (and with my reputation as a "sweetie pie" intact... ha! ha!).

Editor's Note: My mom is walking around the house without pants on at the moment, and is currently bent over cleaning something off the carpet in front of the patio window.  Just now, a stranger appeared outside the window blowing leaves.  Pretty sure I know what he's looking at.  #awkward.

Here's the story:

Once upon a time, I worked at a shitty video store in the town I call my humble abode.  While working there, I became friends with a guy, we'll call him "Grandpaw" for reasons soon to be discussed.  Grandpaw was slightly younger than I was, and, well, kind of an idiot.

Despite his lack of mental acuity, Grandpaw had quite a mouth on him, and we used to exchange witty banter all of the time that, upon reflection, actually bordered on offensive.  It was one of his endearing qualities, sadly enough.  The extent of our interaction included occasional dinner-dates, drunken brawls at the bar, and a run-in with the police at a local park (um, that's a story for another post...), but that was it.  Before you ask, there was very, and I mean VERY, limited physical contact during these interactions, and what did occur was like G-rated.  Swearsies!

Grandpaw eventually moved away to his home town several years ago, and other than an embarrassing Facebook chat that resulted in him suggesting I engage in questionable sexual behavior with him behind his girlfriend's back (Um, yeah right.), we didn't communicate.  Obviously, this conversation left a very sour taste in my mouth, one which quickly led to my blocking him from my FB chat and my profile.

A few months back, Grandpaw announced on Facebook that he would be returning to my humble abode to commence a fabulous new job that he landed.  Oh, goodie.  Within days of said announcement, I received a text message:

Well, that's not exactly how he worded it, but you know what I mean.
I made the huge mistake of responding, after which we had a short conversation regarding his arrival, which was two months away at that point.  He would periodically text me really annoying things as time went on, such as:

Great, thanks for reminding me.
Um, really?  Only a week?

Word of advice to the men out there: These sorts of text messages are NOT attractive.  Just in case you were wondering.

So with the advent of the text countdown to Grandpaw's arrival, I was hoping he would just forget about contacting me until after he had partied it up with all his friends here and got "settled", at which time I could have come up with a plan to leave the country, contract a deadly and contagious virus, get married, or some other major life changing event that would preclude our hanging out together.  

But, no such luck.  I received this last week:


Editor's Note: At this time, I tweeted this:

My sentiments about this particular text are perfectly captured in 140 (or whatever) characters.
And, this is true.  I hate those texts.  "Hey what up?" is not only poor grammar, but is too open-ended to warrant a meaningful response.  Unless I am dating you or crushing pretty hard, in which case you could text me "I just took a poop" and I'd squeal with delight.  But that is obviously not the case here.

Long story short, I received a barrage of texts after this that never seemed to end, the highlights of which are pictured here:

No comment.
First, I tried suggesting dinner:

Well, good for you.

I then suggested the most obvious option: alcohol poisoning drinks.  He said:
Um, what?

Since the extent of my social life involves eating and public intoxication, I was out of ideas.  Clearly Grandpaw had aged forty years since we last hung out, as his life is now plagued with stomach problems, humorlessness, and sobriety.  Of course it was too much to ask for HIM to have any ideas, even though he's the one who can't do anything because of his delicate health.

Feeling annoyed, I was ready to just ignore him and be done with it.  But then, I received this:
Again, I paraphrase.  The actual text was much more sad and pathetic.
Now I just feel guilty, and I don't know how to NOT hang out with him since he's a poor little loser with no friends of his own in a strange city he hasn't lived in for years.  Since this conversation, Grandpaw has managed to text me repeatedly for at least a week, and has committed the following offenses:

1. Made sexual innuendo suggesting that I am a slut, which is obviously not substantiated by our previous activity together, nor is it true to begin with.

2. Repeatedly talked about the fact that I'm unemployed in a mocking and annoying manner.  Thanks, ass-hat.  As if I didn't feel stupid enough about it already!

3. Forgotten what I have told him a dozen times before, which has resulted in him repeatedly texting me when I've told him I'm busy.  Another word of advice for the boys out there: Remember what we tell you. (Duh.)

4. Completely misunderstands sarcasm.  Because he's an idiot.

Ignoring him doesn't work.  Being slightly bitchy doesn't work.  Meanwhile, the beep of my phone has become associated with absolute dread.  The very sight of his name makes me cringe!!!

Here's where you come in, dear readers!  I'm seriously asking how to handle this in a polite way.  I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I know if we hang out that's exactly what will happen.  I have all this pent up annoyance and hostility just building inside me after this barrage of text messages day after day, many of which I don't even respond to!  Phone calls have never been attempted, but even if they were, I'd have to ignore them or my head might explode.  If we see each other in the flesh, I'm quite certain that I won't be able to stop myself from screaming at him or being a sarcastic asshole.  Or punching him in the face.

Am I just being neurotic?  Should I be nice and see him since he's friendless and alone??!  Should I be blatantly rude to him??  I NEED A REALITY CHECK PEOPLE!!  I can't handle this anymore!!!

See ya post-lobotomy.
Any words of wisdom are much appreciated.  My thanks.



Stephanie said...

Bi, if he's being an ass-hat, just be one back. This guy is borderline stalkerish. Get rid of him at all costs, please. =/

And "hump day" refers to Wednesday as being the "top of the hill" or the "hump" of the week. If you get over it, you're closer to a weekend then to the previous weekend. Happy Hump Day means "congratulations! Your work week is almost over!".

So I guess if you look at my work schedule [today is my saturday], my "hump day" is Sunday {ahem}. =]

Bi said...

I've tried the ass-hat route, but he just doesn't get it! HE'S AN IDIOT!!

Also, I do know what "hump day" means, but surely there's a different word for "hump" that doesn't immediately bring to mind awkward sexual encounters... right?!? ;)

Christine said...

Honesty is the best approach. Just tell him that it's been a while since you guys hung out before he moved away and that you've changed some and don't appreciate certain kinds of comments/topics of conversation.

Seems like the least hurtful thing to say to me.

It leaves the door open for further communication though. If you truly want nothing to do with this character then it's going to take a bitchy tell-him-off kind of maneuver - but lots of feelings will probably be hurt.

Coyote Rose said...

Sweetie you have 3 options:

1. Move to a foreign county where they don't have cell phone towers

2. Change your phone number

3. Tell Loser McAsshole face that you don't want anything more to do with him. Use the phrase "I'm currently in a place in my life where i can no longer afford to spend idle time with men who are not serious about future plans, and i don't get the impression that you are ready for that."

He'll think you mean marriage and run screaming into the night.

collinwho said...

"Leave me alone"

Bi said...

@Christine: That sounds reasonable... I guess I'm wondering if I should just end everything with him (i.e., bitch maneuver), or if I should continue corresponding with him. If it's the latter, I definitely like your first suggestion. Not sure if I'm equipped for the bitch maneuver, though.

@Coyote Rose: LOVE Option 3. Definitely less hassle/money than options 1 and 2!

@Collin: Brilliant!!

Meri said...

should we have an "offblog" chat about this one? (aka, do I know grandpaw in "real life")?

Otherwise, I usually just state point blank, "I don't talk on the phone. text me." Whereas for you, it could be "I don't like to text back and forth a lot. I can meet at ___ on ____ or I can't see you."

Boom, done.

Sara said...

I hate being put in positions like that. I'm always the person who's really nice to the nerdy, creepy losers at bars, because I just feel too bad to be mean and I don't want to hurt their feelings.

I would probably just stop responding to his texts little by little. Ignore a few here and there, until you completely stop responding to them. Have you tried that?

Bi said...

@Meri: I don't think you know him... Hmm, I dont' remember. I doubt it, I don't think he met any of my friends. I like your suggestion though, if I decide to hang out with him I'll probably do that.

@Sara: Argh, me too!!! I've sort of honed by bitch-laser over the years to get rid of the really annoying ones, but for people I know it is a lot harder. I'm trying the "gradual ignore" as we speak. Haha!

lalalalauren said...

Okay, really, what is wrong with men sometimes? I've had a couple of obnoxious text message stalkers (one even ran my phone bill up $40 by sending me random shit like "I'm eating nachos...Nachos are good!").

Sometimes, people like this go away when you ignore them. But usually, they don't. I always try to ignore guys and then I'm stuck getting "hey, what up" messages for years and years (btw, those "hey, what up" messages are a giant pet peeve of mine too). You might have to be direct with him. Of course, that's easier said than done, but theoretically you could just handle it with one very powerful text message.

Good luck. Let us know what happens!

theTsaritsa said...

Why do you feel like you owe him anything? And seriously, you shouldn't be too preoccupied about not being perceived as a sweetheart by everyone, because not everyone deserves that.

Text him and tell himn that you are not interested in hanging out and tell him the truth: (that you think he's rude, that you don't appreciate his sexual innuendo, etc.). Just do it! Be brave! If you keep leading him on he'll never get the idea. You can't hint with some guys, you have to hit them over the head.

Kev D. said...

Just text back "LOL" to everything he texts.

It'll work.

Melbourne on my mind said...

Something that worked for me? Getting a text at like 8am and then going back to sleep and forgetting to reply to it until like 3pm THE NEXT DAY. Also? Overuse of the word 'dude'.

Or, ya know, just tell him that you're moving to Australia to hang out with your awesome blog friend Kirsti. And that we don't have cell phones here. (Obviously, we do. But maybe he's dumb enough to fall for it!) You're welcome ;)

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Send him a link to this post with nothing but "LOL" in the subject line. ;)

Sorry you've found yourself a douchey stalker.


Bi said...

@Lauren: I KNOW!!! I don't know why people feel the need to clog inboxes with meaningless crap. So irritating!

@Tsarita: SIGH, you are always the voice of reason, haha! I know I should do that, I guess I was just racked with guilt because he's so sad and lonely. Totes not my issue though, you are right. Thanks!

@Kev: But he's so stupid I'm afraid he'd actually think I was laughing at the stupid things he says, thereby only adding to his already enormous ego. But maybe it would just annoy him, which would have the preferred effect!

@Melbourne: Hahaha, love that second idea! I've tried the first, it seems to be working so far.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!

@Lor: LOL!!! I'm thinking that would definitely accomplish the "hurt feelings" part, but I'm guessing he wouldn't be texting me anymore!

ShellyTalks said...

Sometimes people need to be told they fail at life. He sounds like one of those people. Usually though, that backfires and they think you're joking. Just make sure you say it with your serious face.