Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Dear Netflix: Give Me My Life Back, Please!

Hello, everyone!  After my marathon posting-spree last week, I feel like a large asshole that I haven't posted anything until now.  But really, it wasn't my fault.  Blogger ate up one of my posts again, AND THEN refused to publish the one I rewrote, AND THEN Minnesota had this freakish hail storm thing and my internet was down for the whole night.  Which, let me tell you, really put a damper on my Netflix Instant Queue activities for the evening so I was forced to watch Rachel Barry squeeze her eyes shut during a horrible rendition of "Rolling in the Deep" on Glee.  Am I the only one who is thoroughly sick of that show?

The most irritating character ever?  Yep.

So anyway, it's been exceedingly difficult for me to sit down and write up a post about the remainder of my lovely Florida vacation.  This is probably due to my lingering resentment over my brother's partner, who managed to make the entire trip one filled with anger, annoyance, and the desire to self-mutilate.  I thought if I just waited a few weeks, the anger would fade and the good times we had would be remembered so I could post something NICE on here for a change, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  I'm working on it though, swearsies.

What have I been doing instead, you ask?  Well, I decided to tackle the shit out of job searching this week, which hasn't exactly been brimming with success, but at least I'm doing something.  Also, I actually did something decent for the community last night and volunteered, which probably explains why the clouds parted and hail rained down from Heaven since I am usually Devil Spawn.  But what can I say?  I'm nice like dat.  

But in between being an unemployed loser and sitting by my phone waiting for rape victims to call me, I have been engrossed in a show that all should add to their Netflix queue IMMEDIATELY!  The show is the misogynistic, crass, and extremely funny, Rescue Me.

Mmmm, firefighters.  But the "mmm" does not apply to Denis Leary or the two middle-aged ones in the back.  Ahem.

For the uninformed, Rescue Me is a show on FX about firefighters post-9/11, focusing on the extremely asshole-ish personality of Denis Leary and his fellow firehouse-compatriots.  Watching Rescue Me is a little like what I would imagine men to act like if they were exhibits in a zoo.  They speak horribly of women, treat them horribly, have sex all the time, talk about shit constantly (like literally, SHIT.), and I LOVE it.  It's like a car crash, I can't look away!

It doesn't hurt that some of the characters are quite easy on the eyes:

So I'm objectifying the young men.  SO WHAT!!?
 This show has some of the best dialogue I've heard in a long time, even if it is centered on "bangin' chicks", genitalia, and bowel movements quite a lot.  Here's some choice examples:

Franco: He's retarded.
Kenny: Like Rainman retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?

Sean: You know what they need to invent?  Shorts.  Bunker shorts.
Lou: There's a little problem with your legs burning off.
Sean: It's better than sweating my balls off, which I'm doing now.
Franco: So what, your balls are more important than your legs?
Sean: Well, you see, you can get fake legs.
Lou: He's got a point!

Mike[about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.
Franco: A ball wax?
Sean: Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.
Franco: So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"

Laura: I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?
Tommy: Wow. [Laura puts Tommy's sandwich on the table]
Sean: Yeah. Can I get one of those? [points to the sandwich]
Laura: No. [leaves]
Tommy: Did she just say top-hats?
Franco: I believe she did.
Lou: I've always been a big fan of formal wear.

[ Looking at a guy who was impaled by a tree branch from a rooftop garden]
Lou: Maybe we should uh, go up and talk to the tree. I mean, it looks like an accident but you never know.
Tommy: Well, there might be a couple of shrubs up there that saw somethin'. I say we go up, uproot the whole goddamn garden and bring it in for questioning.
Lou: You know, just 'cause it's vegetation it thinks it can get away with this shit.
Tommy: Shameful.
Lou: It really is.

Mike: So I've been thinking about this whole "bulimia" thing... It can't be that bad, right?  I mean, I watch those shows like "CSI" and you never hear them say anyone's cause of death was PUKING, right?
Theresa:  Well, over time my stomach acid is going to wear away the enamel on my teeth, and could possibly eat a hole in my esophagus.
Mike:  That won't happen for a long time though, right?
Theresa:  No...
Mike:  Well we'll worry about it then!

So now that I've stolen others' witty text in lieu of writing something interesting of my own, I shall take my leave so I can drink my beer and watch my show in peace.  And YES, it's the middle of the day, and I'm drinking a beer.  It's only right that I pay homage to the assholes in Rescue Me by consuming an alcoholic beverage.  Don't you agree?!!



Meri said...

Nice- I've been hearing about Rescue Me for awhile now but never had any concrete information about it. Now I think it might be worth the free check-out from the library to give it a shot. Thanks Bi!

Meri said...

In unrelated news, but news related to your post I suppose- the hail storm completely missed us. I really wanted a BAMF storm but was sadly disappointed. Maybe tonight.

Christianna said...

I'm actually starting to like GLEE again a little bit. Didn't like "Rolling In The Deep" very much though.

That Jessie guy is a fox though! Too bad he's gay in real life...

Kev D. said...

I might have to take a vacation just to watch a bunch of the streaming shit on Netflix.

ShellyTalks said...

I will admit, when Glee first came out, I absolutely loved it. Then it was everywhere, and I got tired of it being shoved down my throat. Now I'm convinced the creator Ryan Murphy is the biggest douche ever.

That being said...Netflix is currently showing the entire series of Wings, and my life is over. I watched it for about 4 hours yesterday. 4 HOURS!!!