Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Always Knew My Rack Would Be Recognized One Day

Hi all!

I hate to have to start this post this way, but I feel as though I have been a TERRIBLE bloggy-friend lately, not only in terms of my lame posts, but in my utter lack of any kind of interaction at all!  However, despite my general unfriendliness and lame comments (if I actually mustered up the energy to post one), I do want you all to know that I HAVE been reading your blogs, I've just been suffering from a sheer lack of wit lately.

Where did it go, you ask?  Hell if I know.  I think it has whithered away into the dredges of resume-building, cover letter writing, and vast amounts of high-calorie dinner/drink/movie dates with my friends.  Seriously people, you would have been proud if you had seen all the actual socializing I did last week.  I don't think I have been out of the house that much since... um... high school?  Sad, I know.

Evidently, someone hasn't lost hope in me, because I got a few lovely awards that I would like to use as an excuse to blabber on about myself, as usual.  The second one is truly special, so stick around 'til the end to get the surprise of a lifetime!!!  NSFW, people.  Just so you know.

Anyway, much thanks to Jess from Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot for bestowing me with The Versatile Blogger Award:

If you call utter nonsense "versatile", I guess...
Editor's Note: I also received this from Jonny Madrid a while ago too, but I was heretofore too lazy to post it... Thanks Jonny!!


So as a part of receiving the award, you are supposed to list 7 things about yourself or something... Which I have done before on this post and again on this post, so I am going to have a little theme again this time to cover up the fact that I have no other interesting facts about me.  Ahem.

The theme for today is:

SEVEN THINGS I LOVE THAT I'M PRETTY SURE OTHER PEOPLE WOULD FIND TO BE REALLY STUPID AND EMBARRASSING, AND WOULD NEVER PUBLICLY DISCLOSE.

AKA, "Guilty pleasures".

Generally, I'm opposed to use of the word "guilty pleasures", because I myself don't really feel guilty partaking in these things, but I know other people do.  In fact, I will usually proudly display my love for these things, and crow about them when I'm both sober and drunk, and will invite others to do the same.  Rarely do people agree to partake with me, but that is their loss.

But enough mindless blabber.  On to the GUILTY PLEASURES!!!!

GUILTY PLEASURE #1.  SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER

My God, people, if you are not watching this show, YOU MUST!!!  I don't think I have ever laughed so hard at anything on television, EVER.  That includes 30 Rock when it was actually funny, The Office (when it was actually funny), Friends, Seinfeld, you name it.  This show is a laugh a minute!  I will specifically avoid making plans on Monday nights just for this show.  It takes precedent over The Bachelor, even, and y'all KNOW how much I LOVE The Bachelor/Bachelorette!

Allow me to explain all the fun times I've had with this show.  First of all, I have invented a Secret Life drinking game that is sure to liven up the Secret Life party!!  (As if a party of this nature would need to be livened up, sheesh!!)  The premise is pretty simple.  Whenever a character says the word "sex", you take a drink.  That will get you drunk pretty fast all by itself.  But there's more!

When a character repeats the same sentence more than once in the same breath, you take two drinks.  It doesn't have to be word for word, but it usually is.  If the first rule doesn't do you in, this for sure will.

But there's still more!!  Every time a parent or some other adult in the show discusses their own sex lives with their children, inquires as to their children's sex lives, or infringes on some other gross sexual boundary, you take a shot.  Two shots if the adults in question then go on to disclose details of their children's sex lives to other adults.  Or other children, for that matter.

By the end of this little game, I guarantee you you will be giggling like Joan Rivers on botox shots, sleeping in your bath tub, or making a move on your step-dad.  No shit, people.  Try it..

GUILTY PLEASURE #2: BACKSTREET BOYS

I was looking for the gayest pic I could find.   This was a success, wouldn't you say?
As if this even needs an explanation.  I mean really, anyone who says they don't like BSB are kidding themselves!  I remember when these young men burst on the scene with "We've Got It Goin' On", and I was a smitten kitten, as they say!




I just love everything about this!!  Their extremely lame introductions, the part where Kevin pours water all over himself and shakes it off like a dog, A.J's bad-ass rap... Or perhaps the part where they are praying because they are so fucking awesome.  And this was only the beginning!!!  "Quit Playing Games With My Heart"... my heart... my heart.... LOVES IT.  "As Long As You Love Me"???  SWOOOOOOON!  "Backstreet's Back"??!  LET'S DANCE, PEOPLE!!!

Wait, what's that you say?  Backstreet's really BACK?!!  Yes, indeed, folks, BSB has teamed up with another old favorite, New Kids on the Block, to bring you the elusively-named NKOTBSB (which, in my opinion, is an extremely lazy, stupid, and confusing name for such an astonishingly talented supergroup.  Ahem.)



Wowza.  That's all I got.  LOVES IT.

GUILTY PLEASURE #3:  KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN

Yum.  There's just something about knowing your arteries are clogging to the point of no return that is just really appealing.

This was me last Sunday night!!
Ha, just kidding.  Sunday, Monday, AND Tuesday.

GUILTY PLEASURE #4: DIVE BARS

You know the kind... The bars where the bathroom is actually an outhouse, the clientele is of the sketchy sort, and the jukebox has nothing more recent than "Folsom Prison Blues".  Usually there's a band of two guys sitting on bar stools strumming a banjo and playing harmonica (YUM!), singing about drinking beer and getting laid.  If you're real lucky, the bar will have free greasy pizza that looks like it first went into the freezer a mere ten years ago!

I have to say, some of the best times I've ever had have been in dive bars, if only for the interesting people you meet.  And the drink specials... Because let's face it, dive bars that charge more than $3 for a beer are really pushing it.

Now don't get me wrong, some of them might well sexually assault you if given half the chance, but that is why you go there with back up.  And a sober cab.

Or, perhaps it's just best if you stay sober the whole night.  Ahem.

GUILTY PLEASURE #5: GIGOLOS.

Oh hold onto your panties, I'm not talking about paying someone for sex.  Well, I am, kind of, but it's a show, not something I do on Saturday night... Ahem.

Source
Editor's Note: It should come as no surprise that in searching for Gigolos images, I came across a sketchy web site that ended up crashing my browser.  Niiiiiice.


I have a whole post devoted to this show somewhere in my Drafts, but in a nutshell, I find this show to be absolutely fascinating!!  It is a reality show that follows five gigolos in Las Vegas, and leaves NOTHING to the imagination.  Here are the men in question:

Images from here
It is rather pornographic in not-so-great ways, including a depiction of Steven, the poor guy on the bottom left, having sex with a 300 pound woman just to send his kid to camp.  It was actually quite poignant, as they showed poor Steven crying to the camera in the confessional about how much he loves his kid, and then cuts right to him... um.. gyrating on this huge woman in a thong.  It's one of those situations where you know it's so horribly wrong, but you just can't look away!  

Another favorite is Brace, the rather orange-looking man on the top right.  He is so stupid, it's funny.  But I won't say anymore about that, or I'll ruin my gigolos post later.  But please note that the show is NOT pornography, per se, but rather a documentary-style show that happens to include some rather racy scenes of them on the job.  Unfortunately for me, the only good looking ones are usually the gigolos themselves, and even that is stretching it.  But I'm already saying too much.  So stay tuned!  

GUILTY PLEASURE #6: CUTE POLITICAL PUNDITS (PREFERABLY WITH GLASSES)

My mom watches a LOT of MSNBC.  It's actually quite horrifying!  She watches Chris Matthews when she comes home from work, and then its this neverending barrage of political shows that she will actually record so she can watch it in the wee hours of the morning.

Editor's Note: My mother is like a vampire, and can run an entire day on like three hours of sleep.  It's so awful!  So she'll save Rachel Maddow or Ed Schultz for about midnight, which would put any normal person to sleep in an instant.  But, no no, my mother will just get all agitated and won't fall asleep until like 5am.  STRANGE!


Anyway, I generally dislike these shows, as I find them to be infuriating.  But, one thing I DO enjoy, is the analysts!  Sometimes before my mom gets home from work, I'll put MSNBC on and mute it, just so I can see who's doing the "analyzing" and ogle at them.  Here are my absolute faves:

The poised and always articulate Richard Wolffe.  He's a little skinny for me, but awfully cuuuuute.
As insufferable as Morning Joe can be, at least they have the comedic stylings of Willie Geist!
His hair is unforgivable in this photo, but he's just too damn funny to ignore.

SIGH, my dear Chris Hayes.  Half the time I have no idea what you're saying, and sometimes I question whether or not you're speaking English (because I am stupid), but you are oh so kewt.

As I type this, Richard Wolffe is saying something really important on Cenk what's-his-face's show, but I have no idea what.  I'm sure it's brilliant.

GUILTY PLEASURE #7:  CORNY CAT VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE


I love kitties.  I envy them SOOOOOO much.  My cat does nothing but lays around all damn day, chewing on stuff, taking a dump every once in a while, and eating.  Then he gets showered with attention by his mother (ME), who is constantly telling him how adorable he is, even though he weighs 17 pounds and is grouchy and unlovable most of the time.  Talk about the life!

While I slave away "searching for jobs" during the day, what I am really doing is searching for adorable cat videos on YouTube.  My favorite:




OMFG that is the cutest thing ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Editor's Note: When my mom watched it, she said, "Oh nooo, that little kitten has Parkinson's Disease!!"   Ahem.





Enough said.

Now that you all think I'm a huge dork, I'm going to share with you the REAL treat!  The hilarious and always-insightful Jess, again from Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot, has ALSO bestowed upon me this award, which I have not yet seen:

FINALLY!!!  My titties have been acknowledged.
The rules for accepting this awesome award include posting a picture of my rack and passing it along to five other bloggers, who in turn need to show THEIR rack.  And so on.

I have to say, this is like the best idea ever!  ARE YOU READY??!!!!

Here's my rack:

What's that?  Not good enough??!

Now you see why I like dive bars.  #freedrinks

I know y'all are so happy you stuck around for this.  And of course I'm kidding, my actual rack is at least twice the size of that.

Kidding.  Again.

Ahem.

Okay, I'm passing this shiz on to:

Melbourne on my Mind from A Quick Succession of Busy Nothings
Meri from Meri Goes Round
Liddy from The De-Student
Alexandra from The Tsarita Sez
(yeah yeah, I know it said 5, whatevs.)

While all of these lovely ladies have AWESOME blogs that you should all check out, I'm really just doing this because I want to see their racks.

Ahem.

~Bi~

8 comments:

theTsaritsa said...

Did you see Willie Geist on Watch What Happens Live the other night? Hilarity!

Thank you for the award :) Do I really have to post my rack? How about a wine rack?

Bi said...

Argh, I actually missed him on Watch What Happens Live, but I heard he was great! I meant to tivo it but I forgot. I'm an idiot!!

Haha, a wine rack is fine!! ;)

Coyote Rose said...

While I don't watch Secret Life, I do love love love Make it Or Break It and previously Greek and Wildfire. ABC Family for the win, yo!

Also nerdy political guys make me swoon. I totes had a thing for Tucker Carlson and his hot bow-ties.

Emmy said...

I'm totally going to play the Secret Life of the American Teenager drinking game!

Meri said...

By far the most flattering award I've received! Thank you doll! You do have a marvelous rack :)

Melbourne on my mind said...

I tried to comment at work, but apparently Blogger HATES Internet Explorer (who doesn't!), which means I can't comment. Sad face...

Anywhatevs, I particularly love that picture of you eating KFC. It's like someone just turned on the light and busted you. Hilarity.

And, as I said on Twitter, this award totally made my day! xx

ShellyTalks said...

NSYNC 4 LIFE!

...Actually, I always liked Kevin and his eyebrows :)

Christine said...

Ha ha ha! Thank you so much for NOT giving me that award :-P