Monday, May 2, 2011

My Glorious Return to Frigid Minnesota Weather

Greetings, my lovely readers!  I have finally returned from the lovely Orlando, Florida, where I had the immense pleasure of elbowing young children, wiping sweat from my brow, and nursing one nasty sunburn for a week.  It's funny how when one returns from vacation, the stuff of day-to-day life seems so... I don't know... dull?  Unimportant?  This is what I lovingly call "No Personality Disorder", because I feel like my wit has drained away right along with my checking account.  This explains why I haven't had the motivation to write up a blog post since my return on Tuesday night.

My actual excuse is that I wanted to do one of those lame posts where I post endless pictures of my vacation (in lieu of actually writing something), as if anyone really gives a shit since they weren't there.. But, due to my clumsiness in dropping my camera in a puddle several months ago, I had to rely on my brother to take pictures and I haven't yet received them.  So in the meantime, I guess you'll have to put up with my MS Paint re-enactments.

Anyway, I've decided to do a series of posts about my vacation, offering a few choice tidbits from each location we visited.  That way it won't be too unbearable and I can share with you all the weirdness that happened at each theme park/activity.  So, without further ado, here's the start of my fabulous vacay with the fam:

DAYS 1 & 2:  DISNEYWORLD!!!

Top thing that I LOVED about Disney World is definitely that due to the hot weather and screaming children, everyone.. and I mean EVERYONE... looks like shit.  Makeup?  Forget it!  It will be running down your face in no time.  Hair done?  HAHAHAHA!  It will be limp and greasy within moments.  If you fail to grease your face with sunscreen, you may as well look forward to life as a lobster, or at least the complexion of one, since you will be baked like a hot potato by the end of a very long day.  It surely made my morning routine much shorter and more pleasant since I didn't have to worry about prettying myself up for Mickey Mouse.

One thing I did not particularly care for was the humidity.  I can deal with heat, but humidity just makes things really unpleasant.  I particularly loved it when it would rain for a grand total of five minutes, after which you would plead with Mother Nature to dump rain again just to end the onslaught of heat and humidity that inevitably would follow.  And before you roll your eyes at my whining, please note that I'm from MINNESOTA, people!  Need I point out that it's 30 degrees and flurrying out at the beginning of May????

I couldn't help but feel immense pity for the poor souls who are forced to run around in their Disney costumes all day, hugging young children while cursing them under their Winnie the Pooh suit.

Poor babies!
The Magic Kingdom was lovely, and I bought myself what I lovingly referred to as my "Vaudeville Minnie" ears...

They aren't that huge, FYI.  That's supposed to be a little hat and feathers on top.

This pic looks kind of dirty if you look at it long enough.  Ahem.
If it's possible for Minnie ears to be slutty, these are it.

I forced my mother to ride the Everest ride with the Yeti at the end, and I laughed my ass off when it went backwards.  My poor mommy looked like she had wet herself, but I think she secretly had a good time and just didn't want to admit it.  She should though, because an hour long wait shouldn't be for nothing!

She really does love me.

Biggest disappointment?  Space Mountain, hands down.  Of course, I was forced to listen to my brother's annoying partner go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about NASA and space shuttles and ohmygodlet'sgototheKennedySpaceMuseumbecausethisissofuckingcool blah blah blah.  And, even though the enclosure through which we meandered as our lives wasted away in line was very dark, I don't think he ever put his phone away.  No, no, it was much better to put it in everyone's faces AT ALL TIMES, not only taking pictures, but video!!  Pretty sure he caught me saying "PUT THAT FUCKING PHONE AWAYYYYYY!!!!" on several occasions.  More on him later.

Anyway, back to Space Mountain.  Another thing that never ceased to amaze me about Disney theme parks is the cleverness with which they design their lines.  Space Mountain was a perfect example.  When you FINALLY reach the top of the incline (that included several fun little games you could play on the way), you are faced with a room that is crowded with people.  You think that it's not going to be so bad, though, as you can see passengers boarding the ride to your left.  What you don't know is that the line actually winds around the entire enclosure, and then goes behind a wall, hidden from view from the poor souls behind you, where you are forced to stand for even longer as you wind around and around to the other side of the room.  Tres clever, Walt Disney!  You sure fooled me!

How the line starts.
How it ends.  Ten years later.
I am aware that this is the most demented looking roller coaster ever.  But whatevs.

Then, when you finally get to the ride and you think you're going to just shit your pants with excitement, the actual ride lasts a total of 10 seconds.  10 seconds of going really fast through pitch darkness.  LAME.

I was at least hoping for a little Milky Way action, or maybe a rocket ship in the background, or planets, or SOMETHING other than flickers of light.  I mean, with all their technology, couldn't they at least make it look like you're going down a black hole or something at the end?  Evidently not.  Disappointment.

Luckily, the rest of the rides far surpassed my expectations after Space Mountain.  Best ride of the day was definitely the Tower of Terror at Hollywood Studios, which was really the only ride I thought was worth going to there.  I get freaked out easily, so this ride was right up my alley, and I'm pretty sure I almost vomited from pure terror.  That's probably while they call it "the Tower of Terror", come to think of it.  Also, the guys that were ushering people into the line were hilarious and kept making fun of people...  I wanted to shrink them and put them in my pocket so they could entertain me all day.

In the evening time, we visited the Magic Kingdom and got to march along with the light parade in an effort to get a decent spot for the fireworks!  My brother and I skipped along like little children, and I nearly lost my slutty-Vaudeville-Minnie-Ears when some person almost grabbed them off my head.  I grabbed them and was all, "Slow the fuck down, SON, these are MINE!"  (I didn't really say that, but the voice in my head did. Ahem.)  I really wanted the pictures from this particular event, but, like I said, my bro has not exactly been on top of picture delivery.  Just picture us all frolicking through the Disney streets like idiots, and you'll get the idea.

And then, the grand finale:

Yeah, that was pretty sweet.
Thus ended our trip to Disney World, The HAPPIEST Place on Earth!!!

Next up: Universal Studios!!

~Bi~

7 comments:

Christianna said...

Yay your back!

I've never been to Disneyworld, but I do LOVE Disneyland! I'm kinda a kid at heart...

Sounds like you had a more fun then your letting on, though I'm sure that heat didn't help any.

Meri said...

hahaha- I like the way you think- disney/ humidity is THE GREAT EQUALIZER! better than school uniforms- lets just send ALL of the kids in the country to disney! (taht would actually solve a lot of the country's problems. Or cause them. not sure)
I am thinking perhaps next halloween you could do a slutty take on minnie mouse? or maybe even just a random tuesday night, for fun.
I hope you enjoyed the sun, as clearly MN did not get the memo that its May.

Bonnie said...

Really? How can real, normal life compare to the life you enjoyed in Disney World? There is no comparison. It's friggin' Disney World.

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Liddy said...

That's a great point about the reassurance that everybody else looks like sweaty crap when you're at Disney World. As for the poor souls in the furry outfits, keep in mind that they also get to pose with their arms around hot spring break co-eds. Last time I went to Disney World I was twenty years old, and I swear the characters got excited when I rolled in after cry-snot-vomit-scream-children.
I didn't even get to ride Space Mountain, it was down for effing maintenance... and I rode Everest with a cold, stodgy German man in spandex and a fanny pack.
... Disney World rocks!

Melbourne on my mind said...

I went to Disneyland when I was six or seven. And I was juuuuuust old enough to realise that they weren't actual cartoon characters walking around, but people dressed up (the give away was Mickey's human legs in white tights!). To this day, I'm terrified of people dresssed up in costumes like that. So I pretty much haven't been to a theme park since... Sad, really!

And humidity was sent by the Devil to drive everyone insane. I can deal with dry heat for weeks on end, but the minute there's humidity? I turn into a whiny bitch. I'm honestly surprised I'm still friends with the people I travelled with in Thailand and Guatemala, because I totally would have stabbed me for all my whinging!! ;)

Sara said...

When I went to Florida in high school, I went to Disney World and Universal Studios too! Except we spent one day at Disney and two at Universal. I thought Universal was SO MUCH MORE FUN.

Although the Tower of Terror was pretty freaking amazing.

The humidity? HA HA HA HA. Welcome to mine and Lorraine's world!! :)

I loved this post. And I totally pictured you frolicking through the streets of Disney. It was hawt.

Nicki said...

I just want to have Disney World's babies.