Thursday, June 30, 2011

America's Past Time: Baseball, Booze, and Really Weird People

Wow, do I suck.

Not only do I bore you all with some loser story about The Exorcist in lieu of anything interesting that might be happening in my life, but then I proceed to drop off the face of the Earth for the next week!  I have no excuse really, except that for once I have actually been sort of busy doing things.

I know, it's hard to believe.  Some of the things have been good, like yesterday when I traipsed down to that same company I interviewed for a few weeks ago for a "second interview", that was really just the same interview, with the exact same questions, done with two different people who happened to have the day off the last time I came in.  Lame.

But what this post title refers to is the rousing events from this past Monday, which were unusually eventful for someone who usually makes a point of ceasing all social contact in favor of the MONDAY NIGHT TELEVISION EXTRAVAGANZA!!!! (And by that, I am of course referring to the incredible two-hour weekly demise of The Bachelorette's self-esteem, AND the decay of social and parental boundaries with Secret Life of the American Teenager!)  Normally, you would find me in my underwear with a huge bowl of cheese puffs and crushed beer cans on the floor for this weekly event, but not this week.  Oh no!

Yep, I totes stole this from another post and added some cheese to it.  Talk about resourceful.

Anyway, on to the events.  I'm not sure how many of you are baseball fans out there, but I am not one of them.  I find baseball to be incredibly dull and slow-moving, which is only a plus when you get to stare at some cute player's ass while he waits around for the ball to come to him.  My dear mother, however, won tickets to the Minnesota Twins game on Monday, and graciously handed them over to me.  While baseball may not be the most exciting activity in the world, what I do find exciting is going to Target Field in Minneapolis with my BFF, drinking overpriced beer, and gorging myself on "dollar dogs".  So that's what we proceeded to do.

Woot, its time for a nap baseball!
This was my first soiree into the new Twins stadium, so I was pretty excited to see what all the fuss was about.  Our seats were somewhat nose-bleedy in that they were on like the highest level possible, but luckily a new stadium = no bad seats?  Here's the view:

When you don't pay attention, these seats are juuuuust fiiiine.

Here's a little Minneapolis skyline for the scenic-minded.

Now I don't know much about baseball, but even I know that when the LA Dodgers are filing for bankruptcy, it's probably an indication that they should be an easy team to beat.  I guess not, given that the Twins got absolutely bludgeoned with a 15-0 loss.  Pretty sure I'm the reason that happened, as every home team seems to get crushed whenever Yours Truly is in attendance.  Oops.  Thank God for $7 beers!

Post-$7 beer #2

A few $7 beers later...
The beer brought us together with some nice Canadian boys who were seated to my left:

They were speedy little Canadians.  They left before I could capture their little heads on camera!

I squealed with delight upon my discovery that they were from Canadia (sic), but I think they got a little weirded out when I told them about my evil plan "dream" of escaping to Calgary, enchanting Jarome Iginla of the Calgary Flames with my feminine charms, and kidnapping him and holding him captive in my basement.  Only he wouldn't want to go home, so it's not really holding him's just that he's wracked with guilt over abandoning his family because of his overwhelmingly passionate and undying love for me!!!  Ahem.

Making his public announcement.
I don't know why they would have been creeped out by that.  Everyone has those kinds of fantasies, don't they???!?  In any case, they left shortly after my story and we didn't run into them again.  SIGH.

Because the Twins were bending over losing quite badly to the Dodgers, we left a little early and moseyed over to a bar called The Loon for more libations and even more food, because we are gluttonous pigs malnourished and need to eat every minute of every day to stay alive and healthy.  It was here that the real life of the party arrived:

Evidently, the gentlemen at The Loon are hard up for some good eats, because these crunchy little morsels turned out to be the belle of the damn ball!  First, we were greeted by a rather large, intoxicated man whose opening line was delivered with wide eyes...

Is that... Cameron Diaz????!??!  I mean, NACHOS??!?!!
Soon, word spread about our chips of Heaven until Drunkie's friends had to come see for themselves:

That one on the left looks quite gay.  That was unintentional, but even the gays like nachos.  :)
At one point, a man walked by that necessitated this tweet:

After forced and awkward conversation with the middle-aged, drunk, and annoying men who were staring down our food, we made our way to the light rail station so we could go home.  While waiting for the train, we witnessed a young woman fall into the track in a drunken stupor, while her boyfriend sauntered over to our bench and physically sat on my friend's lap.  Um, boundaries much?

Then, upon finally entering the train, we met a shifty-eyed young man with blood running down his leg who looked like he was running from the law.  Always up for a good story, I asked him what the hell happened, and he said all creepy-like.. "Um, let's just say it was a run-in with an ex-girlfriend.  Will this train take me to the airport?"

Thankfully ours was the next stop, because I'm quite certain we could have been murdered by this guy.

Finally, we arrived back at Allie's apartment, and I promptly passed out from exhaustion and sheer relief that we had made it home sans-stalkers or ax-murderers.

I hope you are all having a lovely week, and please.  Stay safe.  People are nuts out there!!!



Nissa said...

Hilarious as always. Also, have I told you I KNOW Ben from this season of the Bachelorette?

Liddy said...

When I applied to colleges three years ago, I pointedly applied to two for no other reason than they had hockey teams, and therefore hockey players for potential dating. Don't tell Boyfriend, he's more the baseball player with the cute butt.

Melbourne on my mind said...

I'm going to see the Red Sox play when I'm in Boston. Thank God I have the accent so I can say "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???? WHY IS THIS SO BORING????" without people killing me! ;)

And those nachos look amazeballs. Although not amazeballs enough for me to approach random strangers and drool over their food. Just enough to make me order my own plate!

Meri said...

I'm hoping you get that job dearie! And would the job be in the cities? if so, would you move here? If so (for the third time) that would be frickin sweet!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

HEY. FUCK THAT NOISE. I love me some baseball. I can admit that it is slow moving, at points, but I love the game. Football is too stop and go, hickey is a caricature of itself, basketball is too high scoring making the first three quaters irrelevant and soccer... hahaha, soccer. So yeah. Whoop! Baseball! Beer! Hot dogs! All good stuff.

I haven't been to a game recently thought because my home team is like 3-22millionty this month and I REFUSE to pay money to see them lose.

Anyrant, we should totally catch a game or something someday in our dreams.


Roxanne and Lorraine said...

*hockey, not hickey. Awkward...

Bi said...

@Nissa: NO, YOU DID NOT TELL ME THAT!!! Hahahaha! For the first time in Bachelorette history, I actually like the guys a hell of a lot better than the Bachelorette, and I like it when they are all together talking shit about Ryan. Give me the gossip on Ben, yo!!

@Liddy: That sounds like a perfectly legitimate reason to apply for college to me! Our local university has an awesome hockey team, so it's always nice to go watch them kick some ass. SIGH.

@Melbourne: You can be the Australian that makes someone's day just like my Canadians were for me, haha! They didn't have a cool accent though, except for that whole "aboot" thing.

@Meri: I think the interview went okay, I didn't say anything TOO stupid... I might move somewhere in between, like Plymouth or Maple Grove? Either way I'd be a little closer to youuu!!

@Lor: For shame, hockey a "caricature of itself"?!!? Haha, I will forgive you for that since I ripped on baseball a little bit... I would LOVE to catch a game with you when you come to Minneapolis on vacation, hahaha! I do like looking at the players, if nothing else. :)

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