Thursday, June 16, 2011

I Owe You All An Apology When Armageddon Comes.

So it seems I might owe some of you an apology.

It's come to my attention that this blog might be a little.. um... off color?  The other day, I ventured over to my Google Analytics report and was horrified to see this:

Who is more disturbing... Me, or the idiot who actually Googled that?
Now for some reason, "hoars" and "i'm going to pee my pants" are frequent search terms that land people here, because evidently having crushes on hot old men and incontinence are frighteningly common ailments.

But "bianca fucks bi-guys on the patio"???  Um, sorry.  Never happened.  I don't even have a patio!

"Dirty sex fuck youtube man and waman"????  Sadly, I'd love to be able to say that dirty sex was a part of my daily regimen, but these days, that's just not the case.  And what, pray tell, is a "waman"???!?!  Perhaps a Rastafarian was feeling especially lonely that day..

I wonder if these poor souls found what they were looking for here?  I mean, cartoons of me in the dressing room are pretty racy... And cartoons depicting my marvelous rack are near pornographic!  I should be ashamed of myself!

As if on cue, I then stumbled upon a post by the extremely funny Jeff from Content Unrelated, wherein he put his site URL into a little gadget called the Clean Meter (TM).  When you provide your URL to the Clean Meter, it quickly and mercilessly scans your web site for any sign of Pure Evil, and then rates it according to the always-ominous color scheme, red to green.

Of course, I couldn't resist putting my harmless little blog into the meter, and as a result I have discovered that I'm going to rot in Hell.  And, because you are reading this, all of you probably will too!  Here are the results:

Oh, come on.  I'm not that bad, am I?  Here's my rebuttal:

Well, whatevs.  If I'm going to Hell already, then let's make it good:

Homosexual.                        Sex.                                      Penis.

                        Booze.                                Gin.

Tequila.                                  Vodka.                                   Kahlua.       

Balls.                  Testicles.                      Scrotum.                              Sex.
               Vagina.                Butthole.                         Asshole.

Sex.                 Jesus.                       Fornication.                   "Dirty Deed"

              Dick.                     Baby-maker                Disco Stick.

Wiener.              Meter Long King Kong Dong.                     One-Eyed-Snake.

           Netherrod.                             Pecker.                    Princess Sophia.

Schlong.                     Spawn Hammer.              Wee Wee.

             Beaver.                                   Cocksheath.                 Lady Flower.

Sausage Wallet.                    Va-Jay-Jay                    Lucifer's Cradle.

                Cooter.                       Coochie.                      Some other "cooch" variation.

Sexual Intercourse.            Copulation.               Coitus.                   Carnal Knowledge.

                         Orgasm.                   Bang.                      Boobs.                     BJ.

           Jizz.                          Titties.                   Pornography.            Breasts.

Bra.             Undies.                        Panties.                         Boxers.            
                 Boxer Briefs.                                Jock Strap.                    Nude.

Lingerie.                           Victoria's Secret.                       Whips 'n' Chains, y'all!

              Sadism.                               Masochism.                       Bestiality.

Threesome.                   Foursome.                        Infinity-some.        

           Bisexuality.                         Fuck.                           Sex.  Sex.  Sex.

You get the idea.  Feel free to add your favorites in the comment section, in case I have (and I most definitely have) missed any.  Get my site off the Clean Meter (TM) chart, y'all!!!

In other news, my brother is visiting from out-of-state today until Tuesday, so I will most likely be out of commission for blogging/tweeting/FBing/social media-ing until then.  Unless something really funny happens, in which case you'll be the first to know.

Be safe, my little ones!  Talk to you laterz!



Jeff said...

This is one of the best Clean Meter posts yet.

The end of the post with all your terms really sealed the deal.

Nicely done!

Christine said...

Clean Meter...I had never heard of it so I tried it out. I'm in the red but not as bad as you!

Then for curiosity I put in a couple of other well known blogs and it's like it exploded!

Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

I was in the red too but is was nowhere near as bad ass as yours! Hahahaha! Have a great time and hope to see you back in the blogosphere soon.

ShellyTalks said...

I get a lot of butt sex references to my blog...And know, Ice T's woman? I'm positive because it's about my ONE post about wanting a ghetto booty.

Melbourne on my mind said...

Oh, I'm TOTALLY trying that out when I get home tonight! But I've known for years that I'm going to hell. I'm good with that - all the fun people are going to be there, after all! ;)

Also? I believe you forgot 'twat'.

Bi said...

@Jeff: Thanks for the inspiration!

@Christine: I know, I wanted mine to explode to.. If you're going to be in the red it better be worth it!! I'm surprised you are in the red though, you are so sweet!! ;)

@Johnny: At least I'm bad ass at something!!!

@Shelly: I remember that post!! I wish I could be a fly on the wall when the people who Google sex terms find and read our blogs instead. Hahaha!

@Melbourne: I will surely be there partying it up with you! And "twat" is an excellent addition, thank you!! Hahaha! Let me know what your results are!

Anonymous said...

This is definitely news to me. I never seen the clean meter before but despite it's rating... pretty darn cool if you ask me. LOL

Melbourne on my mind said...

Okay, I am SO disappointed in myself. Apparently I save all my swearing for Twitter, 20SB and blog comments and don't put it on my actual blog. I'm in the red on Clean Meter, but barely.

Potential sexual references: 1
Vulgarity: 6
Insults: 3
References to deity: 1
Profanity/swearing: 2 (I'm 99% sure this is bullshit)

FOR SHAME!!!!!!!!!!

Elle said...

This post was pure gold. Especially the wall at the end. LOVE. I almost peed myself laughing.

Ginny said...

you are going to get so much traffic!

I am now going to try to work in meter long king kong dong as much as possible.

Meri said...

I would have some major clean meter issues if my momma didn't read da blog so much... :)

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I'm super totes late on this, but LOL. I love that you are so dirty, girlfriend. Also "Princess Sophia" and "infinity-some" made be giggle the most, because I'm a third grader at heart, really.

And, can you even imagine how, uh, sticky an infinity-some would be?!


Nicole said...

How did I not know that site existed? I am so excited to go check that out.

It's all right, Bi. Most of us bloggers will be joining you in hell. It's where the party's going to be anyway.

Stephanie said...

Oh wow! I can't wait to go plug my blog in!! This is just too cool.

As for your site? It's just too dirty, but in a good way. Princess Sophia? Love it, haha. =]