Thursday, June 23, 2011

I Thought The Rapture Had Reached My Basement, But I Was Wrong

Good morning!

I've been feeling an incredible lack of inspiration on the writing front lately, as my life is usually so boring or full of weird things that no one would believe me.  I also feel like if I actually blogged about all the things that pissed me off or caused me to raise my eyebrows during the course of the week, people would think that I am really.. and I mean REALLY... mentally ill.  Plus, I seem to have procured a mysterious illness since yesterday that has rendered me absolutely witless, humorless, and generally irritated with just about everything and everyone.  Illness in the dead of "summer" (er, I mean "fall", given the Minnesota weather of late)?  BULL SHIT. 

Anyway, I decided I am just going to tell you all about something that happened over the weekend that is neither positive nor entirely negative.  It's just... well, funny.  At least I thought it was funny, right after I nearly pissed myself in fright.

This story involves a few little side stories that will come together in the end, I promise.  First, you need a little bio on the key players.  First, is my cat, Miko:

I've talked about him before, but the important thing here is that he's kind of a jerk.  He's pretty unfriendly to just about everyone, except my mom and me since we take care of his fuzzy little ass.  He especially dislikes men.

I was a little bit drunk in combination with some mysterious medicine my mom gave me when I drew this, FYI.  Swearsies.
(Um, even under the influence of numerous drugs I can tell that this looks like shit. My most sincere of apologies!)
I have no idea where he gets that from.  Ahem.

Usually, Miko just ignores people and growls at them a little if they touch him without his express permission.  But this is not so with my youngest brother, the second character in this story.  Will is what one might call a "strong personality", if he/she was interested in being nice.  I, however, am not interested in that.  He's kind of an asshole.  

Note: I'm reminded of that scene in Bridesmaids when Michelle says, "You know she's in the bathroom crying her fucking eyes out right now because she's marrying Dougie.  I mean, he's my brother, and I love him dearly, but he's a fucking asshole!"  I know exactly what she means.

Miko HATES Will with a fiery passion that I thought was only reserved for the likes of Dick Cheney, Donald Trump, and Justin Bieber.  Will doesn't even have to say anything, if he is even in the same room with Miko, he freaks out.  

And it isn't out of fear, mind you.  No, no.  Miko is very openly aggressive.  He will routinely lure Will in by rolling around on the floor in front of him and exposing his fuzzy tummy, which is what he does when he wants to be pet.  But when Will moves to pet him, he strikes!

Please note the bone that is evident in this incredibly accurate picture of human hand-anatomy.
Yes, I was drunk during this picture production as well.
Soon Will's booming voice is ringing through the house as he screams at my cat, nursing his wounded hand.  I am not sure why Will continues to fall for this trick, but his continued ignorance suggests that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak.

Next, there's something you should know about me.  I LOVE horror movies.  I love the cheesy ones and the gory ones, the ones with ax murderers and serial killers.  I especially love the ones with zombies, vampires, the mentally ill, and killer viruses that sweep through the world.  Ghost ones are my least favorite, and possession ones are my FAVORITE FAVORITE!  Especially when creepy little children get possessed and start saying creepy things and staring at people. 

But, I am ashamed to say that in my 28 years of life and my love of horror, I had never actually seen The Exorcist!  I know, I know, I am a failure.  The most touted about horror movie of all time, and I hadn't seen it yet.  Whatevs.  I decided to remedy that last Friday when two of my brothers were home.

So there I was, watching Linda Blair in all her glory in the extended edition of The Exorcist, huddled on the couch in mild terror as she stabbed herself in the vagina with a crucifix.  As the movie wore on, I became increasingly anxious as Regan started to look more and more like Freddie Krueger on acid.  Finally, the infamous deleted scene when Regan walks down the stairs backwards with blood spewing out of her mouth was upon us!

Ughhh, I just shudder watching this again.  Anyway, as if on cue, when Regan gets to the bottom of the stairs with blood pouring out of her mouth, I hear a blood-curdling scream coming from my very own basement!

That's me, didn't you know that??!
This was, of course, followed by my very own blood-curdling scream, and subsequent huddling in the corner under a blanket like a two-year-old.  I was sure that someone had been murdered behind me, or that Lucifer had finally come to take me away for good.

What was the culprit?
Hi, I'm an idiot.  I scream like a girl!
Evidently, Will startled Miko when entering the basement, and Miko subsequently screamed like a goddamn pre-pubescent girl in some shitty horror remake, like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre".  STRAP ON A PAIR OF BALLS, MIKO!!!  I didn't even know cats could make noises like that.

Although, I have to say that the incident definitely made The Exorcist more interesting, because other than the creepy parts where Linda Blair looked like her skin was decaying off her face, that movie was D- to the -ULL!  Talk about anticlimactic storytelling!  Boooooring.  90% of it was people standing around talking about shit!  I want blood and gore, people!!!

Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely weekend, and please forgive me for this half-assed post.  :)



Anonymous said...

LOL, I really needed this laugh. This was a weird story and confused me at times but I laughed none the less. Also, I hatedddd the exorcist. This guy that I am in love with told me to watch it and then read the book... :/ for what? Who knows.

Jes said...

I love horror movies too and had never seen The Exorcist either until like last October when they did a one night only showing of it in the movies. I thought it was super dull too and especially couldnt understand how everyone had been so scared when it came out. But I guess compared to now, back then there wasnt really the horror stuff we have now.

Meri said...

the best part of this is "grow a pair of balls, miko!" I'm sorry to laugh at your expense but... well, you'd do the same for me :)
Miss you... the flaky fake plans between us must stop, I am sorry!

Liddy said...

Let me just say that that was the best title I have ever seen for a blog post, ever.

theTsaritsa said...

A lover of horror movies myself, I was gravely disappointed when I watched the Exorcist for the first time, especially after hearing so many other people talk about how scary it was. Same thing goes for The Ring, and Paranormal Activity. My number one horror movie will always be Halloween, followed by The Shining. LOVE THEM.

PS- my kitty routinely scratches the shit out of me, even though i feed her and lover her. She is a sweetheart when she wants to be, but she's also very aggressive.


Apfel said...

Hahaha this was hilarious!! Have an amazing weekend, Bi! :)

Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

Hahaha! NICE! Horror movies, kitty cats and drunkenness...the perfect combo for another great post! :D