Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Can't Afford a Therapist (Yet), So You Will Have To Do

I'm in sort of a mood, lately.... I'm not really sure how to describe it, other than that it's a mixture of melancholy and I-don't-give-a-fuck, if that makes any sense.  I'm sure you guys haven't noticed, but this has been the state of my Twitter account the last week or so:

Lame.

You see, something unthinkable has happened this week, and I have mixed feelings about it that are preventing me from engaging in social interaction...especially over the interwebs, for some reason.

No, I didn't get robbed, nor was I the victim of any other felonious activity over the past week.  And HELL no, I didn't get a boyfriend or any other such time-consuming and pointless endeavor (pointless for me, anyway!).  The news is that I FINALLY got a job.

I'll pause so you can either sigh with relief, cheer, or be sad because now I won't be around all day anymore.  I, for one, am choosing to do the latter.

I've spent so much of my life the past year and a half obsessing over what I was going to do, or what job I was going to get.  I made an entire blog surrounding my self-deprecation, and had gotten really good at making lazy-jokes at my own expense.  Truthfully, when I would look for jobs, it was almost a relief to me when there was nothing to apply for, because it meant that I could continue on with my daily routine of nothingness.  I was able to visit my father every day, which was more rewarding for me than a job ever was.

Note: For the uninformed on my father's situation, please go here for a rare moment of seriousness.


I know I should be happy that I am finally employed after a year and a half of sitting around.  I should be jumping for joy that I will finally have a steady paycheck at a decent company, with great benefits and the potential for some upward mobility (which is extremely hard to find in the mental health field, by the way!).  I know there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who would kill to be in my shoes right now.

But I can't help but have some residual sadness over the situation, as the job is over an hour away from where I live and will likely require relocation at some point.  I've devoted my life to taking care of my family, and I'm not sure how it's going to be for them (and for me!) now that I have to move on.  I'm filled with sadness, anxiety, and guilt about it, though I'm really not sure why.

I do have some excitement over the idea of finally going back to work, and a huge amount of relief that I don't have to rely on an unemployment check anymore.  And truthfully, the idea of commuting is actually kind of appealing to me, since now I finally have an excuse to subscribe to satellite radio in my car again!  Also, who doesn't love the idea of sitting in a confined space for three hours a day, moseying through idle traffic and screaming at other drivers?

So you see?  It's not all bad.  I think I'm just going through the five stages of grief or something.  Maybe I should hold a little funeral service for my time on unemployment to give me "closure"!  But, if any of you have any words of wisdom, I'd greatly appreciate it... Even if it's just to give me a virtual slap in the face for being such a Debbie Downer about something that I've been harping on about since this damn blog started!  Don't worry, I can take it.

FYI, I will be living up my last few weeks of blissful unemployment by sleeping in, not getting out of my pajamas, and drinking in the middle of the day, so be prepared for that.  I hope all of YOU have some awesome weekend plans in the works, and I look forward to all of your witty blog posts and tweets as I emerge from my little hole of self-pity into the world of the living again.  Mwah!

~Bi~

12 comments:

Jess said...

OMG Congrats!!! Look at us, both employed women now. I am happy for you!
Jess

Liddy said...

I don't have a job, but I can still feel sympathetic knowing that when my time comes, I will feel the same way. I know it. I too like to play the biggest possible role in my family and with my friends, and enjoy the flexibility of only having classes a few hours a week to work around, being the friend that can fly to the rescue at a moment's notice. BUT, just remember when you're up early and getting ready for your drive that while not having work can be fun and meaningful, having a job is productive and meaningful, and can still be a little fun, too, with the right attitude. Those were a lot of commas.

ShellyTalks said...

I like that you posted this. While I'm really excited I found a job, and I do enjoy said job...I hate getting up early, and I miss sleeping in :(

theTsaritsa said...

Congrats, Bi! I'm really happy for you!! When I first started working after months and months of funemployment, I'll admit I was a little sad at first, but my first day back in an office I felt really good. It felt awesome to be doing something again, and making money never hurts.

That commute definitely sucks, though. And it's sad that you might have to relocate. But you won't be too far, right?

Bi said...

@Jess: Thanks!!! We are productive members of society now, haha!

@Liddy: That's exactly it! It's just hard to change a routine, I guess. SIGH. I'm just being a big baby, I know you are right! I'm hoping the positivity will come with the next stage of grief, haha!

@Shelly: Thanks, Shelly! I hate getting up early too, especially when rush hour traffic is there to greet me. Ha!

@Tsa: Hopefully I have the same experience! I would probably relocate halfway between, so it could be worse. Thanks for the congrats!!

Melbourne on my mind said...

YAAAAAAAY to employment!!!! Very exciting news. Does this mean you'll be able to afford to come to Chicago now? Does it does it does it??? Please say it does. Because that would be FUCKING AWESOME.

Me? Selfish? Never... ;)

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

ZOMG, I'm with Kirsti!! I mean, I had other shit to say, but I think this mostly means you'll be able to come to Chicago now!

Also, I know how you feel. I'm always all scratchy with change, but going from unemployed to employed was really hard for me. And then switching jobs from a temp one to a big girl one was hard again.

You'll adjust though, I'm sure. In the meanwhile, you are doing the right thing. That is, drinking, sleeping, enjoying your last days and venting.

Admit to yourself that you are way too awesome to have stayed unemployed forever.

<3

Lor

Meri said...

Yea! Congrats dearie! Sorry that its sort of a rough transition for you, but I have only good feelings about it because I'm guessing the job is closer to me than where you live... thus maybe you'll have to recharge with a meredith visit before you commute home sometimes, right?
see you this weekend??
I'll facebook or text you, whatever I can do from the basement here...

MeredithDuck said...

Congrats! I hope the transition goes well - think positively and all that jazz. And yes - live up these last few days of 'freedom'! Just for you I will drink lots of drinks tonight. (Okay, I was going to do that anyway, but hey, I'll think of your accomplishment at least once during the night to be fair)

Bi said...

@Kirsti: LOL, I'd LOOOOOVE to, but the dates are grossly inconvenient for me!!! If only it were like two weeks earlier, I'd SO be there!! I'm trying to talk Lor into renting a car, stuffing you in the trunk, and driving to Wisconsin Dells so we can go on water slides and play mini golf and such. :)

@Lor: Haha, you're right, I suppose I am cooler than that.. Though I thought it was pretty cool to sit around and drink wine in the middle of the day! Also, see above comment. Just an idea. :)

@Meri: Thanks, Mer! Of COURSE I will be recharging with you a little more often now, so that is a plus. Let me know about this weekend!

@Meredith: Much thanks, my dear! Please do have a few for me, and I will have a few for myself as well! But I'll be thinking of you... But not in a dirty way. You know what I mean. I should have just stopped at "much thanks". :)

Emma said...

I just stumbled over to your blog from 20SB and am a new follower, yay! I enjoy the somewhat sarcastic tone in your posts. I think it's something I need to channel into my blog posts.

Miss Sassy Pants said...

HOORAY FOR JOBS! Good for you!

I figured out a way to write in the car without crashing, and now I don't mind long commutes. I actually get a lot done. =)