Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Squirrels Are Conniving Little Assholes, Just Like Walt Disney Always Said!

While this may reveal the fact that I am a huge dork, one of my FAVORITE movies ever is the 2000 Disney flick, "The Emperor's New Groove".  You know, that absolutely hilarious cartoon with the vocal stylings of David Spade and John Goodman?  I never quite understood why no one seemed to like this movie, as it remains one of the few movies that always makes me laugh, even though I can quote the entire movie.  

Note: One line that I constantly use while I'm at the bar watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette is when Kuzco is looking at all the women and says, "Let's take a look-see.  Hate your hair.  Not likely.  Yikes. Yikes, yikes.  And, let me guess, you have a grrrreeeeeaaaat personality."  This isn't me being a bitch fussy AT ALL, is it??!

One of the funniest moments in this flick has always been the adorably evil little squirrel who miraculously pulls a balloon out of his ass and pops it to wake up all the sleeping panthers...

Of course, I always watched that part and laughed and laughed, thinking that Walt Disney was one crazy bastard for thinking those cutie little squirrels that run around my yard would be so mean and cruel!  So deliberately malicious and sneaky!!!  Surely the bushy-tailed critters that eat all the bark off our trees and crawl up our screen door would do nothing to hurt anyone!  

Well, I think Walt Disney might have been onto something there.  Allow me to explain.

Yesterday, Minnesota was graced with yet another morning storm, complete with torrential rains, whatever-miles-per-hour winds, and thunder and lightning enough to make the power go out again (which is like the fourth time in a month, by the by..).  

The rain stopped about mid-morning, at which time I went about my business and didn't return to my house until about 2:00 in the afternoon.  Upon my return, I heard a terrible racket coming from the side of the house!  I looked outside, expecting to see the neighbor's annoying grandchildren running around hitting plastic balls against the side of our house again, but to my surprise, Satan's spawn the little angels weren't there!  It then occurred to me that we probably had some visitors in our window well again, which is a more common occurrence around here than one might think.

So I walk downstairs, and sure enough, I am first greeted by this:

No, this isn't really my cat.  My cat has two ears.
But it captures his sentiments perfectly.
Crazy kitty = something in the window well.  So I go check it out, and here's what I found:

Awww, so cute, but so stupid!
Two cute little squirrels squawking and chattering at one another, running around like little Snookies on acid.  I sat at the window, cooing and smiling at them because I thought they were soooooooo cuuuuuuuuute, when suddenly....

One of those evil little shits screamed and lunged its entire squirrel body towards me and hit the window!  I've never seen anything like it before!  I named that asshole Michele, after our very own local political Devil spawn, Michele Bachmann:

I see some resemblance there, don't you?
After that, I was obviously over the whole "cute" aspect of the situation, and I just wanted those assholes out of my window well.  I wasn't really sure what to do about it, though, because my mom and I don't exactly have common household items, like boards or whatever, that one might find useful in this situation.  I searched and searched through the garage, but could find nothing suitable that would assist my little friends.  

Eventually, Michele found his/her way out by his/herself, leaving just one mentally retarded squirrel with limited mental capacity.  I named him Pat, after my favorite political analyst who is quite possible the dumbest person alive, Pat Buchanan:

I really didn't mean for this to turn into a political commentary, but it just sort of happened that way.
Sorry, Pat, you're an idiot.
Pat huddled in the corner of the window well for a while, while I went about my business.  I was sure that even the dumbest of squirrels could figure out how to get out of a window well by himself, given that they spend all day climbing around on trees and whatnot.  But alas, it was no use.  It was like Pat had just given up on life.

Finally, after several hours had passed, I decided that a little physical activity was necessary to get rid of this bastard, as I wasn't about to let him die down there and stink up the basement.  So, after confirming that Pat was still cowering in the corner, I traipsed across the street to a nearby park where they are storing the branches from the last huge storm we had that downed a bunch of trees in the area.

I lugged a huge branch across the park, dragging it behind me across the street until I was panting like a dog in heat.  After what seemed like an eternity, I arrived back at the house and crawled towards the window well.  

I imagined Pat crawling out of there with joy, so grateful to the young woman who endured intense physical labor in an heroic rescue for a squirrel she didn't even know!  Perhaps he would show me where he stashed his food as a peace offering, or would curl up in my hand and be the best pet ever!  Pat and I were going to be best friends, I could feel it!!!

I peer over the side, ready to toss my life line to little Pat.  And what do I find?

An empty (and very dirty) window well.
Pat was gone!!!!!!  

I couldn't believe it.  I swear that little asshole did that on purpose!  He just waited down there for hours until he knew I was leaving to get help for him, and during those ten minutes that I was gone he miraculously found his way out of there.  I DON'T THINK SO, PAT!!!  You sneaky little bastard!!!

So, Walt Disney was right all along.  Squirrels are total pricks.



Stephanie said...

That's amazing and horrible at the same time! What a little asshole for sure. Couldn't even say thank you...

Melbourne on my mind said...

Bahahahaha!! I have a story about squirrels from when we first moved to Toronto in 1988 (God I'm old...) So the house we moved into had a bajillionty squirrels living in the roof. So obviously, my parents called a pest control guy. They didn't want to KILL the squirrels, just take them elsewhere. So this guy baited cages with peanut butter and put them in the back yard, At the end of every day, he'd take them outside the city limits, and set them free in the woods.

Only one day, we came home and all the cages (there were about 20 of them and they were ALWAYS full within 5 minutes) were empty. When we moved house two years later, we found out that the neighbour's teenage son had set them all free.

Why? Because Crocodile Dundee had just come out, and the whole neighbourhood thought the newly arrived Australians were TRAPPING SQUIRRELS AS FOOD.

You know what? I might have to blog about that shit...

Meri said...

hahaha- the resemblance to Ms. Bachmann is incredible- both in looks and personality! I'm afraid of squirrels (as well as butterflies) so I feel for you...

Nicki said...


I love you so much right now.

ShellyTalks said...

This post is just a whole lotta win. (yes 'lotta')

Lorraine said...

I'm actually just stopping by to say: I MISS YOU. Hope all is well and that gainful employment isn't killing you softly.

Or something.


Johnny Madrid aka Tim E. said...

Same thing as Lorraine. Miss you too! Hope everything is fine with you and the job ;) Hope to see you back soon in the blogosphere!

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